


☙ The Hope, The Strong & The Saviour ☙

by CheshireCatLife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Break Up, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Non-Canon Relationship, Paperwork, Post-Break Up, Pre-Canon, Revenge, Workaholic Erwin Smith, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-01-29 21:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12639327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireCatLife/pseuds/CheshireCatLife
Summary: ☙ ''Do you have no regard for human life?''''In this position, I can't.''The world is crumbling and with it, is their relationship. War is coming and with it comes another tale of lost love- and found. ☙





	1. Playlist

_ Chapter 1 _

_The Currents ~ Bastille_

_ Chapter 2 _

_Control ~ London Grammar_

_ Chapter 3 _

_Nightcall ~ London Grammar_

_ Chapter 4 _

_The Anchor ~ Bastille_

_Blame ~ Bastille_

_ Chapter 5 _

_Non Believer ~ London Grammar_

_Send Them Off! ~ Bastille_

_Torn Apart ~ Bastille_

_ Chapter 6 _

_Lethargy ~ Bastille_

_Someone That Loves You ~ HONNE_

_Bloodstream ~ Transviolet_

_ Chapter 7 _

_Sleepsong ~ Bastille_

_The Good Side ~ Troye Sivan_

_Like Toy Soldiers ~ Eminem_

_ Chapter 8 _

_Love and War ~ Fleurie_

_Monster ~ Imagine Dragons_

_Monster ~ Colours_

_ Chapter 9 _

_Youth ~ Daughter_

_Soldier ~ Fleurie_

_ Chapter 10 _

_Warriors ~ Imagine Dragons_

_Smile ~ Mikky Ekko_

_Everybody Knows ~ Sigrid_

_Leave The War With Me ~ London Grammar_


	2. Playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Currents ~ Bastille

Levi and Erwin had been in the same position for days. Each evening, at six o'clock sharp, they sat opposite each other, the couches beginning to wear under their weight.

Staring at Erwin, Levi lit up the cigarette- a present from Mike for his birthday, one he hadn't dared use until now. He hadn't smoked in a long time. Years, even. Now, though, was the right time to start again.

Erwin's head was reeling. The power of his words plagued him. He was too good with words, too good with strategies, too good at looking to the future where the world was so different to what it was now. He lived in the future, not the present.

Levi didn't. Levi was a man that relied on the present. Plagued by his past, he refused to do anything but the here and now.

It had worked.

Until Erwin.

'People are dying, Erwin. How can you not feel a thing?' Erwin looked up, his hands still clasped in his lap, his back hunched over uncomfortably.

'What do you think happens if I do feel it? We are the only people fighting against what is wrong and if I feel every single death that is under my command then I would have broken long ago. I can't afford to break, Levi, not now.' Levi clenched his teeth, baring them at the man that was supposed to be his friend, his confidant and his lover.

Levi was living in Erwin's shadow, somewhere along the road he had become second to everything else. They were no longer equals, not to Levi. Erwin could not see the problem. For all his strategic excellence, he couldn't see the obvious. He couldn't see pain- he had long since blind sighted himself to it.

'If we carry on like this, one of us is going to die.'

'That was always going to happen.' Erwin's face was solemn, his eyes darting between Levi and himself. Erwin loved Levi, he did, but they had agreed from the beginning that humanity came first.

Levi had just never expected to come last.

'For once, can you just think this through? Our lives are what you order them to be. We're living in the currents that you made and people are dying because of it. We're willing to, for the sake of humanity, that's what this shittiness is all for, isn't it? But that isn't an excuse to throw all our lives away!' Levi sighed, his mind tiring quickly; he could barely speak anymore, talking to Erwin was always mentally taxing. Often in a good way. In times like this, it wasn't.

Levi brought the cigarette to his lips again and breathed in the smoke, letting it billow out slowly until the room started to turn into a hazy cloud. He could barely make out Erwin's face anymore. Without any of the windows open and the cluttered mess of the room, the smoke quickly became the wall between them. Levi continued, not willing to look Erwin in the eyes.

In times like these, Levi wondered whether Erwin had any humanity left at all.

'Without the lives we lose, we will not win this war.' Erwin, through the grey haze, grimaced. Excuses, always excuses. Levi couldn't stand it. Scrap that, he couldn't believe his ears.

'Oh my god! Do you have no regard for human life?' No matter how controlled Levi was, his love for life- his and others- was outweighed by nothing.  
'In this position, I can't.' Their eyes refused to look anywhere but at each other, the haze doing nothing but sharpening their senses.

'How can you say that?' Levi felt like he was drowning; trapped under the water, his breath stripped away.

'Because I have to.' Erwin was no longer the man he knew, Erwin was a monster. Their love was suffocating him and the anxiety that came along with Erwin's workaholism was shredding him to pieces. Levi was strong but he was not strong enough for this.

Physically, Levi was undefeated but his emotions were scattered- fragile. The contradiction made him two people; his fragile side one that very few got to see.

Erwin saw it and he had exploited it- on purpose or not.

Levi was about to break the surface, desperate for breath. He had to break away, he had to. This had been going on for too long. He couldn't take it anymore.

Levi would clear his head in the only way he knew how- to destroy everything that was tilting him.

'Don't say that.' He begged, his eyes wide, he was giving one last chance. 'How can you say that so seriously?'

'Because I mean it, Levi.' The smoke was fading, the cigarette stubbed out on the table, leaving a blackened mark on the rustic wood. So much for saving the cigarettes: what a waste.

'This is stupid! What happened to you? Do you even know what year it is? You've been working so hard that I bet you haven't even noticed what's happened around you. People are falling apart, dying, all because of you!' A low blow, blaming Erwin. Erwin couldn't shoulder that, he couldn't live with the guilt of more than a thousand soldiers on his shoulders. But Levi wanted him to, Levi wanted to see him break down just once so he knew he was human. That he had emotions. He just wanted to see something.

'Without me doing this, in the long run, more people will die. Levi had nothing to retort with. Erwin, despite the accusations being thrown at him by the one that he loved most, stayed perfectly calm.

It made Levi believe that maybe Erwin didn't love him at all.

'Look, you hate me now, I understand that. You have good reason to but I do nothing without the best of intentions. I am in this until I die, I'm not willing to dwell on the present. I can't,' his voice faltered 'because then everything would fall to pieces. You have to understand that.' Levi didn't understand that. Logic wouldn't work here. Levi's logic never faltered, it was emotions that were.

Logic did not change emotions.

Yet he was still scared by the points Erwin made. Even through the anger, Erwin spoke with logic and good intention. Levi could not fault him. Levi could never fault him. Because he was a soldier too. Soldiers weren't supposed to feel loss; they were supposed to continue on no matter what.

Levi did. Until after. It was only then that he let himself fall to pieces. But Erwin didn't. Erwin remained composed throughout it all. His irregular outbursts were those of drowned sorrows, not tears. He did not resort to violence, he trapped them inside.

Maybe that was worse.

Levi had always wanted to be like Erwin. When they'd met, they hated each other but still, behind the mask of disdain, was that reverence. They were never equals. No one was above and no one was below. They each thought the other was above them, better than them.

They were two high-functioning depressants in a relationship. Why did they ever think it would work?

'I do.' Levi lied, one that Erwin could see right through- even if he didn't comment on it. 'I just can't...' He didn't know if he was honest with himself. The whole situation scared him so much because he really didn't know. His instincts, which were usually so reliable, told him nothing.

Nothing but leave and don't come back.

He wasn't going to do that.

Was he?

'I can't live a life like this. I've lived my whole life at the bottom and now I've reached the top and nothing else has happened but shit. I trust you Erwin but I'm living your life and not my own. I was never supposed to sit behind a desk and stare at the death toll as if it's insignificant. I was never supposed to love. I was never supposed to do anything but die in the dark. I've gotten so far so why am I still miserable, Erwin? Why do I still feel like shit?' Levi didn't know where it came from but it all flooded out like it always did with Erwin. There was something that made him unafraid to speak with Erwin, even if he didn't have the words. He was scared of everything but Erwin and violence. The two things he trusted in his life. The two things that never let him down.

Until now.

Well, one of them had.

When Erwin didn't speak, Levi continued. 'I've made mistakes, a lot of them. I'm drowning in your problems. We lead thousands into their death and I'm holding each and every one of them on my shoulders because you won't let a single one go on yours. This relationship has to gone to shit, Erwin. What we used to be? That doesn't exist anymore. None of it does. We lost that a long time ago.'

The pause was unbearable. Levi wanted to speak again but he gave time for Erwin to digest the information and think of a reply. Erwin thought through everything he said, even if it took him minutes. He was treading carefully around Levi and it only fired him up more.

He was so unafraid to speak to Erwin so why was Erwin so afraid to speak to him?

'We haven't, Levi. We just haven't had much time, the reclamation of Shiganshina comes above all else. You know that as well as I do. But, we're so close. Just give it one more year and everything will be back to normal.' He had said that last time. He had said that a year ago. And the year before that. How long had this been going on for? Levi felt the strangling deja vu as he made up his mind. There was no going back. Erwin was making him crazy in the worst way possible.

When was the last time he had said I love you?

When was the last time they had touched, nevermind kissed?

When was the last time they smiled?

'You said that last year.'

'But-'

'No buts, eyebrows. We're done.' Levi stood, trying to conceal his trembling frame and the tears that were already pooling in his eyes. Humanity's strongest was breaking, all because of love. He never could control it, could he? First, his mother dies and he cries for days. Then, his two childhood friends die and he turns to murder. And now, his love dies and he can't do anything but cry again. It was a vicious, repetitive cycle.

His chest ached. Erwin spoke again but Levi shut him off with the slamming of his door.

The corridor was empty, the time far past midnight. Taking a deep breath, he felt it. The freedom. After years of drowning, he had breached the surface. And it was painful. Each rasping breath ached and his lungs shrivelled under the new sensation. His heart pounded and his head reeled and suddenly everything hit him again.

Everything he had shut out was bubbling to the surface. His room was only two doors down, Erwin would hear him. Maybe that was for the best. Maybe he wanted Erwin to know that he was crying. Maybe he wanted Erwin to know he screwed up.

All his fault.

All. His. Fault.

Right?

Levi suddenly felt caught in the flames of doubts. That air that hurt so much was so much better than burning of his lungs. Each sob was another flame engulfing his throat and another lightning strike to his heart. Each tear was acid down his frail cheeks.

He was breaking down. Because it was all his fault.

Right?

Or was it no one's fault. Was this something that was always going to happen? Probably. No one had ever believed they would live long enough to have a relationship. They were soldiers that were destined to die in the greatest war of all wars.

No one had time to love in war.

Yet, the doubt still crippled him.

 

_"When anybody preaches disunity, tries to pit one of us against the other, you know that person seeks to rob us of our freedom and destroy our very lives"_

 

Levi just needed to breathe again. Whether it be water of flames, he was dying. In more ways than one. And all Levi could think of was that he regretted his decision.


	3. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Control ~ London Grammar

Erwin felt himself crumble. The weight of the world crushed him in its large hands. He was suffocating, drowning, burning, crying. His throat ached and his body felt slow. He stumbled as he walked, the liquor rushing through his bloodstream.

This was his control.

This was how he controlled.

He would give up his control for another kind. He would give up his leadership for another swig at the bottle. All behind night's curtain. The dazzling stars only seemed dull to his eye now. Or was it just that they were blurry? Most likely.

Something was wrong.

Of course something was wrong.

The whiskey bottle still lay open on his desk, no drop left to spill. The bottle had been half full only an hour ago. He had a good tolerance for alcohol but his emotions were to scattered to control himself.

But this was control.

This was his own type of control.

The control where he forgot his own name. The control where he didn't have to think. The control where only he believed he was in control. The kind of control only a drunk man could muster.

Erwin shouldn't have been thinking that. He knew his place, he knew what he had to do. What was best for his cause. He would do anything for his cause. Even if that meant neglecting his lover. He would do anything to be in control.

Because he knew he couldn't control Levi, he had let him go. He had let the one thing that kept him sane go. But the control kept him sane, didn't it? It must do, that was logical. Erwin followed logic. Except, why did he now feel like he was turning to dust? Fading. His humanity was leaving him, leaving him a shell of a man.

This wasn't control. This was the opposite of control.

This was only what he believed to be control.

He should have known better. He should have known that for the cause, he had to stay focused. Both him and Levi had promised not to mix their feelings and their career. It would only end in heartbreak. It would only lead to a broken mind. And in war, there was no room for a broken mind.

Erwin, most certainly, had broken their promise.

Erwin reached into the liquor cabinet, or rather chest, again. The one he hid under his desk where no one could see, hidden by a flimsy wooden board. Such irony that such a flimsy material could hide something so dangerous: the Commander's undoing.

Alcohol was breaking him. And he was enjoying it.

He just wanted this war to be finished. It had gone on too long. It had gone on to a point where he almost believed they wouldn’t win. But he was determined. He had fought for too long to give up but the liquor poisoning his thoughts asked, begged him to give up. To let it all go. To leave the military behind and drown himself in the amber liquid that was now swirling in his glass- another bourbon.

The chest underneath his desk was already locked and shut again, hidden away from the world as Erwin drowned. Drowned without a single person hearing his cries for help. As silent as those cries were, someone felt them. Levi felt them. Levi felt them in his own heart.

And suddenly, Erwin was thinking of Levi again and his chest was aching far worse than before.

Erwin imagined the end of the war, a time that he was ready to face head on- even if

it would lead him to his death. Through the blurry haze of his vision, he saw it. Him and Levi watching the earth fall apart, the beautiful decay of the world they knew crumbling. The walls would collapse and the citizens would flee. And Levi would be there, covered in beautiful decay. Blood splattered his shirt and face and hair and hands. He was red. He was beautiful.

Erwin wanted him back. Erwin wanted to drag him back and fix everything. But Levi had left for a reason. A reason that Erwin could not fix. Erwin would always be a leader and a leader made sacrifices. He sacrificed his family, his friends and now, his lover. He had sacrificed everything.

And he was left weaker not stronger. Whoever said they were better off alone were liars. It may be true for specific circumstances but the human condition requires more than just yourself. There is a reason a man makes friends, finds love.

Erwin had just stripped himself of all of it.

Erwin wanted it back. He wanted Levi back, even if he couldn’t.

He wanted those crude words, his way in which he looked upon the world- with a pessimism only Levi could muster. It was a pessimism that Erwin relied on to hold him back. Despite the logic Erwin used for any decision he made, it also meant that human life lacked meaning to him and for that, he was sorry. But, Levi made up for him. Levi was the reason he hadn't been killed, the reason his title hadn't been stripped away. Levi was his everything.

The amber stared at him from the dirty glass that he was sure Levi would not approve of. The alcohol was running stronger than before, pumping his thoughts to places that he would never have scoured without it. He put something magical, a miracle drug that made most men happy and used it. He used it to numb himself like an anaesthetic. He drowned his feelings and forgot his own name as another glass went down and one more was filled up.

By the time he stopped, he hadn't a clue how much he had drunk. Only that his vision could barely perceive further than a metre in front of him and even then, his vision was greatly impaired by the blur. His legs felt like they were walking straight yet when he looked down, he saw them shake, hardly able to carry his large weight.

Erwin wasn't as perfect as people believed he was and this proved it all as he fumbled around his room in search of something that wasn't there. Levi.

But Levi couldn't ask him to change because he wasn't perfect and he never would be. He was hardwired to be the way he was and not even Levi could change that. Erwin was in control of himself, no one else would puppet him. He was second-rank in the entire military, he was the Commander. Levi couldn't take that away from him.

Suddenly he found himself resenting Levi, his mind unable to make up its mind in its chaotic state. He found him thinking of the others. His friends: Hanji, Mike, Nanaba and the rest of the veterans. And the new cadets: Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, all of them. Together they were what would save humanity.

No, Eren. That was Eren's job. The hope of humanity. Whilst Levi procured strength, Eren gave them all hope. Eren was the morale that drove them forward with his youthful determination and rash, impulsive way of thinking. So opposite to Erwin that he almost admired it. He did admire Eren, actually, there was no doubt about it. Despite the age-different, somewhere around fifteen years, he found himself proud of the boy.

He didn't stop the thought when it hit him, too drunk to even care. Beautiful. Eren was beautiful, wasn't he? His eyes a colour Levi's could never hope to be and his face a youth that Levi had lost before he had even hit puberty. Levi and Eren and Erwin all managed to be opposites of each other. Each of their personalities clashed in a way that they fit together.

Why was Erwin thinking this now? Hadn't Levi just left him, left him to dwell on his own and all he could think about was Eren. Eren, who had barely now surpassed the age of nineteen and was too far out of the old men's league that he shouldn't have been thinking about it. Nevermind the fact that he was far above him in rank; it would only be seen as Erwin taking advantage of him.

So why was he still thinking of both his ex and his inferior being by his side? Was this the loneliness talking?

Eren was such a random thought that he couldn't help but dwell on it. He had never harboured feelings for the boy. Never. But Levi had, even if he had never admitted it. Erwin knew; Levi couldn't keep many things from him. Over the years, they had become brilliant at reading each other. Levi had always thought the boy was admirable. Like Erwin, Eren was determined in his goals and he fought for what he believed in- even if his methods were more rash and less logical.

That must have been what was setting this off. Levi and Erwin were as close as ever but not in the same way as they had once been. Eren may have been the fix to that. Maybe that's why Erwin was thinking of him as well as Levi.

Three people. Maybe that could be the fix for everything?

Erwin knew he was lying to himself the moment it entered his mind. This couldn't be fixed by something so complicated. It was against reason. If anything Eren was the reason Levi went away. The thought dawned on him like a shrouded ghost. It made sense. It all made sense. Eren. Eren was the reason Levi left. Eren was the reason Levi didn't rely on Erwin.

Levi had someone else.

Now, Erwin would never believe that Levi would cheat on him. But, that didn't stop feeling. Eren clearly admired Levi, he was sure their relationship could go far if it was requited. Erwin wasn't necessary for that equation. Erwin was as redundant as their love was to Levi. Expendable, useless. Erwin was only good to humanity as a whole- the individuals themselves either died because of him or resented him.

He was a hated man that no one could kill. One that many hoped would die a painful death outside of the walls so they never had to see his face again. It was the fate of all Commander's, no matter how well they did their job or how charismatic they were.

Erwin was still the reason people's children were dead- or their brothers, their parents, their siblings, their friends. It was all on him. He chugged another bout of bourbon down his burning throat.

He was alone in this, he realised. They were together on their empty stage, split by the darkness their two spotlights created. The focus was on them but as separate entities. They had no time to become one. But Levi and Eren could, they could be together. They came as a pair. They were one and they could be in love. Erwin and Levi couldn't. Erwin's focus was on war and not love. Erwin could not love. Love was blinding and a blind leader was no better than a dead one.

Erwin suddenly realised his mistake.

And now, he didn't want to go back to Levi.

Oh, but he did. He did want to go back. He was selfish like that, believing he could balance it all. Even though he had already failed. One failure only meant that he should try again, right? That was what his determination once. One failure meant nothing if the next was a success or the one after that or the one after that.

Failures only paved the way to success.

Taking another sip of his refilled tumbler, he felt like crying. He needed Levi, even if it was not for their relationship. He needed Levi's mind, his hope, his thoughts and his brain. Levi was the backing behind all of his decisions. Without Levi, his decisions were wrong and uncoordinated. Levi rooted him.

Without Levi, Erwin would sacrifice his whole army for the sake of winning.

The next time Erwin collected the bottle from the case, it was empty. Shooting down the last of the liquid, he pushed himself away from his desk, his mind reeling. He couldn't focus. It wasn't Levi that was blinding, it wasn't their love, it was him. It was all him.

Guilt ripped through him worse than before. This was supposed to be control. This control wasn't working. This control was turning into a guilt machine. This control was what led Erwin to have the first suicidal thought of his life.

Not one where he was willing to die at the hands of the titan for humanity. The first thought where Erwin thought that he might hang himself in his room.

This control was not control.

Erwin dismissed the thought. But it had still happened. It had still been there. Erwin was not the type. He was not the man to do this. Then he remembered something that he had heard before. Something his mother had said: 'Soldiers come back broken, Erwin. Not physically but mentally. Even the strongest man can never live to see things like that.' It was the final thing she said before he left to the army, her last plea for him to stay at home. The last thing she had said to him before she died.

Erwin didn't notice the stray tear. Didn't even bother to wipe it away. This was his breaking point. This was the point that he couldn't come back from. Not without Levi.

He was a man with a broken mind, a broken heart and a broken body.

He was standing now but he was so dizzy that he barely noticed it. He was still in his office, he realised. He needed to go to bed, he needed to sleep. He pushed the door open and stumbled out into the darkness. This was only the beginning. 


	4. Nightcall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightcall ~ London Grammar

Erwin didn’t have any awareness of where he was going. He tilted left and right and both at the same time until he was barely aware of his feet moving across the cold, stone floor. The door was familiar, he knew as much, and he was sure it was his own. At least, his inebriated mind told him that. All the doors looked the same would be the observation of any other Survey Corps member. There was no defining quality about any of them. So Erwin was correct when assuming that the door was, in fact, that same as his. But the room, most definitely, was not.

He didn’t stop when he entered, noticing the furniture was ordered differently to usual. Shutting the door behind him with a slam, he fell onto the bed- which was now on the left side rather than the right. He didn’t have the energy to think who could have rearranged it until a thought struck him.

Who was it that had the room next to him, exactly the same but the furniture arranged in the opposite way? Whose room was it that he had spent so many nights in, enough for it to feel as familiar as his own? Levi.

Suddenly trembling, Erwin opened the wardrobe to reveal what was inside. Small clothes, smaller than anything that could ever fit on him. Levi’s clothes. He swore under his breath, taking a few steps to the door before stopping.

Maybe he should stay. Of course, that was illogical but what state of mind was he in to think that? Yes, he agreed, he would stay. Perching himself on the bed, he waited, not even conscious enough to be curious as to where Levi was.

Twenty minutes later, the voice still echoing with Erwin’s slightly humming- he had to do something to pass the time- the door finally opened. ‘Levi!’ Erwin smiled, grinning enough to show his teeth. He really has lost control, hadn’t he? But he didn’t care. Levi would take care of him. Levi was the one he could trust. The one he could trust when he had no one else to turn to.

‘Erwin?’ Levi’s eyes closed as if to prove that this was real. Blinking, he looked back at Erwin, who was still humming quietly from his bed. Levi would have laughed if the situation had been different: a fully grown, six-foot man humming on his bed was not a sight he could say he saw often. Turning around, he threw his head back around the door, muttering to someone on the other side.

‘Levi!’ Erwin complained, his suspicions raising as Levi continued to talk to the mystery guest behind the door. If he had been in control of his own body, he would have stood up to see who it was. For the moment, he barely trusted himself to move his legs nevermind stand on them. They had grown numb of the minutes of mind-numbing torture that his drunk-muddled brain refused to think of.

‘Erwin, I need you to go.’ Levi said, his face set resolutely- his eyebrows pinched together and his mouth set in a cold, stone line. It was like deja vu. Erwin remembered the days when Levi looked at him like that. Like he wasn’t even willing to look him in the eye. From a time when Levi hated him. But, surely, Levi didn’t hate him? You couldn’t fall from love to hate, was that not impossible? It was too far a fall, it would damage you. Unless Levi was damaged. And then- and then it was all Erwin’s fault.

‘No.’ He slurred, his face just as resolute but his body was too loose for him to pass off as sober. Levi would have noticed by now, anyway, there was no point to this act. But Erwin liked acting. He wanted to play along. Erwin wasn’t good without his mask. ‘I have some things to tell you, Levi.’

‘Erwin, get out.’ He spat, his eyes as stone cold as his lips.

‘No. I have to say a few things. Didn’t I say that before? I did say that before. Now, number 1-’

‘I said get. Out.’ Of course Levi wouldn’t shout, he didn’t lose his temper like that, at least not again but Erwin was sure that this was as similar a reaction to someone screaming at him. It hurt. It did. But his mind didn’t register that. For his survival, he guessed.

‘No. First things first! I’m going to tell you how I feel and you’re not going to stop me. Even if it takes me all night, I will finish this-’

‘Erwin, are you drunk?’ How he hadn’t noticed this before was beyond Erwin. Maybe it was just shock. Erwin never drank, not even in front of Levi. Erwin continued on, anyway, as if Levi had never spoken.

‘I’m going to tell you something that you don’t want to hear, I know that. But I have to. I’m going to show you where you left me.’ Levi was starting to look worried. ‘Don’t worry about it. Have no fear. This isn’t going to change anything. Well, maybe it will stop you from hating me.’

‘I don’t hate-’

‘Yes, you do, Levi. I can see that. But, I don’t. I love you. And I want things to be how they were. I liked it how it was. I know I was wrong to you but that’s how life it. We’re at war, Levi.’ With each word, Erwin felt more sober, as if the truth had the ability to strip him of all confidence, all control. ‘I’m not willing to lose you. I need you. Otherwise, I’m going to lose all control of my life and I...I can’t do that.’ Erwin was breaking down. Before he even realised it, he knew that this was what it felt like.

His throat clogged up and his eyes stung and suddenly breathing felt like laborious work. This didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen. Erwin was the man in charge, the one that led the rebellion. Without Erwin, the Survey Corps failed. Without him and his politics and his strategy, everything fell apart. But what if he fell apart?

Levi didn’t say a word.

‘I see something in you, Levi. Something that’s just like me. I can’t explain it because people don’t think that our lives could have ever crossed if it weren't for these stupidly unlikely consequences. But, isn’t everything? You’re like me, you understand me. I need you.

‘We’re driven in the same way. We both fight with everything with have to defeat them and let the rest of people live in peace at the sacrifice of our own. And that’s why I love you.’ Erwin breathed in, the shudder body-wracking. Levi stared, his shadow not his own but another’s, hiding behind a door. And Erwin. Erwin was sober now, the drink flushed out of his system by nothing else but his own realism. He leaned forward on the bed, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm as if the tears would flush away without being seen. He wasn’t crying, he did not have the dignity to cry. Not now. But, he wanted to. Erwin was stupid, he realised that now. This conversation was one that was never meant to take place, another stupidly unlikely consequence that the universe had thrust upon them.

‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t supposed to say that.’

‘You weren’t-‘

‘But, that doesn’t invalidate any of that. What I said was true. And I know I shouldn’t have said it but know that I’m not going to feel guilty about it.’ Erwin held his head low in shame, his eyes clearing and his body stilling.

‘Why are you drunk?’

‘I’m not-‘

‘Why _were_ you drunk?’ Levi scowled, taking a step forward warily as if Erwin was a lion that had to be tamed.

‘You know why.’

‘You don’t drink.’

‘Doesn’t that say it all?’ Silence fell with no more words to fill it. Erwin stood up, his body still slightly swaying and his judgement still clouded but he could walk. At least he could walk. ‘You and I were always alike, Levi. Something changed in you and I don’t know what it was. The old Levi wouldn’t have left because I put humanity above him, he would have understood an done the same. Whatever happened, Levi, I hope it made you happy.’ Erwin was being honest, he truly was. If Levi wasn’t going to be with him, he wanted him to be happy.

Levi looked back, peering outside of the door once more to say one final word before he turned back and walked back to Erwin, looking up at him from where first faced, his face peering at his chest. ‘Stay, Erwin. You’re drunk, we’ll talk about this when you’ve cleared up.’ Erwin stumbled back and fell on the bed compliantly, not expecting his turn in personality.

‘What about the person at the door?’ Eren slurred, his sluggishness now the reason and not his inebriation.

‘This isn’t about them. Levi sighed, turning back to close the door, the shadow that seeped in long gone. Erwin wondered what they were there for in the first place. He was the only person he knew of that was ever invited to Levi’s room. Even Hanji only entered when she barged in. Levi didn’t like others touching his things, out of fear they would be misplaced- even with the few belongings he had. Erwin didn’t even have the energy to think his own question through rationally. If he had asked this question to himself only hours before, he was sure he would have come to the correct conclusion almost instantaneously. But this was not hours ago. This was now.

Now wasn’t all that great.

‘Who was it?’ Erwin asked, genuinely curious but his face must have indicated otherwise.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Levi said, exasperated. He sounded like he had had as long a day as Erwin. He knew that Levi had been on training duty today, something that he had never taken a great interest in but he was sure that was not the reason Levi was like this.

Deep down, Erwin hoped that it was because of him. Something cruel and twisted urged on the thought. The thought that Levi was just as miserable as he was. It was almost blissful to think that their pain was shared. Just like they shared the burden of this life. Erwin had always preferred doing things as a pair, getting new insights and sharing what no one else could know. He liked it as much as he liked control. Maybe that was why Levi left. Because, no matter what, Erwin would always take a higher position in their relationship. Nothing could change the fact that Levi was his subordinate and not his equal. But, that was not Erwin’s fault. At least, he didn’t think it was.

‘It does.’ Erwin pushed, enjoying as Levi winced. What had his life come to that he took so much glee from taking control of someone’s shame and pushing it? Levi did not want to say, clearly, and Erwin was enjoying the fact that he could push him. Push him over the edge to the exact place where Erwin had fallen.

‘I’m not telling you, Erwin.’ Levi’s face changed from shame to sudden determination. Levi was in control, he realised. Erwin was now his lesser. Levi was taking care of him, in the vaguest sense of the term. Erwin had no control. Levi held the reins in his hand and he could pull them any way he wanted. But he already saw the difference. The way that Levi had at least tried to make them equal before taking the high ground.

Erwin had never done that.

Erwin huffed, something only a drunk man could muster, and let his head fall against the cool material. Levi refused to use wool, saying it’s fluff flew like a virus. But, Erwin missed the warm sensation and he resisted the urge to leave the pillow behind but he was getting older, he didn’t want to wake up with a crick in his neck.

‘Levi, I’m sorry.’

‘You already said.’

‘I mean it.’ Erwin’s eyes met Levi and watched as they softened under the blue hue. Steel turned to the washed out sea as Levi crouched down and placed a gentle hand on Erwin’s cheek, stroking it just as he had done before. As if nothing had changed. But Erwin felt how out of place it was now, how each sensation drove him wild with anticipation for something that wasn’t to come.

‘I know. Now sleep.’ Erwin shut his eyes and forced himself not to grab Levi’s wrist as he pulled away. He was too tired too, anyway, tired enough that he barely heard Levi mutter as he walked away to sit in the chair on the other side of the room: ‘I’ll be waiting to beat the shit out of you when you wake up.’

 


	5. The Anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Anchor ~ Bastille  
> Blame ~ Bastille

The noise was head-splitting, rustling and chattering spilling through the open window. Erwin heard it all, his sensitive ears picking up on everything from Jean Kirstein's whining to the shuffling of the worms in the mud- the shuffling of someone just outside the door. And then him. Through all the noise, most prominent was him- his voice. Wishing for sleep he ignored the words, feigning ignorance but Levi was far too clever for that.

'Wake the fuck up, blondie.' Erwin groaned, burying his head deeper into his pillow. Why was Levi in his room anyway? Levi hadn't come to his room last night, not after...that. What had happened afterwards?

'Come on, shit-head.' Oh. That.

So, this wasn't Erwin's room. This was Levi's. With that dawning realisation burdening his shoulders, he slunk up, the movement causing his head to fracture and body to fall back down. 'Ow.'

'Yeah, that much drink is going to do that to you.' Levi sulked and as Erwin came back to reality, saw the almost violent facade on his face.

'Shit.' Erwin muttered, hiding his face from its onlooker.

'Yeah, that might be an understatement.' Levi hissed venomously, his thin lips curling like snakes, the smile that usually took over when in Erwin's presence, no matter how small, lost in time. Erwin turned, finally ready for the onslaught, and perused Levi's face. The distaste was tangible but it wasn't Levi's usual impassiveness that set Erwin on edge but the murderous glint in his grey eyes- something that had become so familiar to Erwin on the battlefield. Never towards him.

Through the splitting headache, Erwin focused on it, belittled himself as he continued to stare. His thoughts spiralled, darker and darker until the only thing he could whisper was a mere 'sorry'. But the focus was enough to distract him, not from the thoughts but the physical pain of a torturous night. It brought him hope, no matter how silly that was, and cleared the clouds in his brain.

Maybe it was because he knew what he had done wrong this time; he could fix it.

Levi eased away, taking place on the other side of the room, lighting the gas lamp on his way. Erwin winced, the light invading his vision with dances of white and black until he could see nothing at all. Shutting his eyes before blinking rapidly, he finally saw Levi's outline but the light alone was enough for him to suffer his headache again.

He focused back on Levi, blinking again and again until all he could see was his shape- the anchor to the world around him, refraining him from being stuck in a world of white. He panted, his chest hurting more than it should have at the look of spite and suddenly Erwin realised that all goodwill from last night had been a spur of the moment occurrence.

Erwin felt lost at sea, stranded, surrounded by the gushing white of the waves. Lost staring at the sun, his vision so impaired that he didn't see the grey clouds staring down at him in worry. Grey, a familiar colour. Worry, not so much. 'Ugh.' He groaned, turning again, his eyes shut but the white never fading. The grey clouds were lost and replaced with the black night sky and suddenly the ocean around him grew larger, the sea and sky joining at the invisible horizon, black meeting black, the waves replaced by still ink.

'Erwin? Erwin! Wake the fuck up, you bastard!' Erwin wondered if he was imagining the winds worry, the words carried by so quickly that he could barely register them. The wind, rough and heavy- even though the sea still danced still- tugged at his shoulder, shaking them.

'Wake up, Erwin! What just happened? Are you still conscious? Oh god, please don't puke.'

Erwin felt the wind push down but no matter what happened, he would not submerge under the water that remained solid under his back. So was it water at all? All he could see was black. If he been more coherent maybe he would have recognised that this was a dream, a tether between consciousness and unconsciousness. Maybe he would have recognised that it wasn't the whistle of the wind calling him but the panicked voice of Levi who couldn't tell whether Erwin was suffering alcohol poisoning or sleep. Maybe he would have realised that the sea was a bed and that the black was his eyes hiding himself from the light.

'Erwin, wake up! Wake up!' Then it cut through, as fine as a knife and as painful as a bullet. Levi's voice. That was Levi's voice. Erwin gasped for a breath and found it stuck in his throat, never entering. Leaning over, his eyes still screwed shut, he emptied it, the puke running out and onto the floor, puddling on the floor.

'Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?' Levi growled, shaking Erwin again, panic overtaking the will to punish him for the night before. Levi found that he no longer cared, as long as Erwin was okay. Not just for him but for the Survey Corps.

If Erwin Smith died of alcohol poisoning because of him then...then he would have killed humanity's only hope.

Erwin had lost all control of his mind, the pain rippling through his head plaguing his thoughts and his vision. Suddenly, so coherently that he almost believed he was okay again, he thought he saw the soldiers. Running wild, cheering after the death of another monstrosity. And then another one comes. A flash. Guts, blood, flesh and spirit let spread along the red-stained ground. Bodies ripped in half by giant teeth and heads crushed between incomprehensible lips. All his fault, it reminded him, all his fault.

'Erwin, please wake up.' Levi begged, cutting through all the noise. Erwin's eyes opened and there he was. Levi was back, hunched over and scared as if Erwin was a corpse.

'What...what just happened?' He groaned, coming back to life with little will.

'You puked. I need to go get something for you, you drank more than I thought.' Levi stated, the fear masked with the face that he showed the rest of the world. Blank. Uncaring. Like they had never been in love.

'No, stay.' He paused, wondering whether that was the right thing to say at all. 'Please.' Another pause; Levi wouldn't listen to mindless babble but he would listen to reason. 'Without you here, I'm going to space out again. I don't want to throw up again.' Levi gave in easily, sitting back down with a sigh, watching Erwin with a peculiar look, one that he could not decipher the emotion of. Simply, it looked no different to the face he had made before but something had changed, something so small that not even his lover- ex-lover- could find.

'How much did you drink last night?'

'A lot.'

'I don't think this is just a hangover.' Levi sighed, troubled. Erwin had to agree, these were not usual hangover symptoms, no matter how much someone drank. Then again, Erwin had never mixed a hangover with depression.

'I'm fine.' Erwin didn't believe it himself as his cracked lips barely managed to mouth the words, his throat croaking like a smoker at the end of their life.

'You're clearly not.' Levi sighed, lips pursed.

'I am, I promise. Just give me a few hours.' Erwin paused and held a cool hand to his head, the burning skin soon warming his hand. 'What time is it?'

'Nearly noon. Eren went and sent the message out that you had left for a meeting this morning. Keep out of sight. People shouldn't have to see you in this state.' The words tore Erwin apart, confirming his insecurities and proving the absurdity of the situation.

'You're right. This was never supposed to happen.'

'Yet you still did.'

'You know why.' Erwin hissed, flinging his head to the side, sending Levi the most powerful glare he could but the pain was too much and it only made his body spasm inwards, all the muscles contracting and his head pounding for its release.

'I do but that wasn't an excuse for...this, Erwin. You know what shit you've caused. This wasn't my fault it was yours.'

'I know that.' Erwin hated handing over the power of the conversation, his silver tongue defeated by a man that rarely said a word.

'Then stop blaming me.'

'I'm not.'

'You are.' Erwin scowled, letting his head fall back into a position where his eyes easily trailed to the ceiling. He had to admit, he didn't want to shoulder the burden alone but he knew this was his fault and not Levi's but for the sake of his sanity, he had to at least put the blame partially on their breakup and that was more Levi than it was ever him. Erwin couldn't take the crippling guilt of blaming himself for another thing. He was a man of many talents and blaming himself was one of them but so was keeping sane even in the worst of positions and if that meant not blaming himself, he would do so.

He had already broken once, he was not going to do it again.

He just wished that Levi would give him so hope, just for a moment. This was killing him as slowly as poison, picking off his organs one by one- first his heart then his brain and then his skin, he swore all he could feel was pain.

Breaking out of his thoughts, he focused in on the sound of Levi's mutterings, complaints about his duties, about Erwin, about everything. It grounded him, it was the anchor to life and he was determined to stay there. Whatever had happened last night had sent his body to the wrong place, the hangover so much worse than any pain on the battlefield- this was not a physical wound, nor was it emotional. It was something so vague that there was no cure.

Levi had always been his anchor to sanity and Erwin was letting himself revel in the last chance to do so. Every shared burden was falling onto his shoulders again and once used to the weight of a lighter load, he wasn't sure he could hold this one up at all.

'Erwin,' the voice broke him out again, as if he had been dunked below the water and had only just found himself breaking through. 'what happened last night?'

'What do you mean?' He groaned, his mind trying to halt the conversation but his heart determined to push forward.

'You never drink, Erwin. If you do, it's little. What happened?'

'You know what happened.'

'No, I don't. I know what I did. I don't know why you did what you did.'

'Aren't they linked?'

'Maybe but that's fuck all information.'

'What don't you understand?'

'Why did you go so far, Erwin? What happened? What happened to that fucking commander composure. You're a soldier, aren't you supposed to be invincible or something.'

'Maybe that's the problem.'

'That makes fucking no sense.'

'No man is invincible.' The silence was deafening. Levi was stuck, no answer dancing on his lips. He was blank. What sort of answer was that? Erwin was a man that he had put all faith in, Levi was as loyal as they come and even after all this, that would not stop. Levi, lover or not, was an Ackerman and Ackerman's protected their charges. Levi protected Erwin, no matter what.

'Say something that makes fucking sense, shit-head.'

'I broke.' Two words, so simple, so vulnerable. Levi felt the dagger push into his gut, Erwin's large hand gripping it like a life source.

'Why?' He whispered, his voice lost in the pain.

'Because I let myself love when I promised I never would.'

'And?'

'I lost it.' Levi pushed away from the bed, furious. Blame, blame, blame, all on him.

'How dare you.' Levi spat, his teeth bared like a wild animal, his grey eyes afire with anger. 'How the fuck dare you. You cannot blame this on me. I ended it because we were barely even together! How dare you say you broke because of me, you bastard!' Erwin flinched, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth to refrain from doing something irrational, something that would take this further than was necessary.

Levi continued anyway, having no thought about the consequences. 'Send my regards to hell, Erwin, because you're making your way there. In our relationship, you were always the one who had the power, that took control. YOU ruined this. YOU were the reason I ended it. I never stopped loving you but YOU ruined it. I moved on long before I told you.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'I don't need to explain myself to you.'

'I'm still your commanding officer.'

'Not in this fucking state. And don't use your shitty rank on me. This was your fault, don't pin it on me.' Levi took another step back, as if the chasm between them could get any bigger. If Erwin had any hope in his heart left, it had just been lost. Everything had been lost.

Erwin was remorseless, cruel and unmovable. He had broken because he had let something in. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

He'd been granted three wishes and he had stolen them greedily. He had given himself love, prosperity and hope. He was saying goodbye to all of them. To right himself now was going to take a humongous effort. He wasn't going to let his soldiers down but those closest to him were not under his control. He could already see the pitying looks, the looks of 'I told you so' and 'why didn't you listen'. He knew he should have listened, he would have but he was a fool in love and even the strongest of men can become fools under the strings of love.

Erwin wanted to speak but found himself at a loss for words. Levi stood, waiting for an answer, any answer, an explanation for this madness. Nothing came. Neither had anything more yet they never seemed to gravitate away from each other, stuck in the centripetal force that threw them into the whirlwind that was their love- it was inescapable.

Erwin could practically hear Levi's heart thrum, the beat steady and calm, the anger taking its control over the erratic nature of worry and squeezing to the beat that it was meant to keep. Erwin felt like he was pointing a gun at him, their heartbeats beating as one, fighting to be louder, to be stronger than the other.

'Erwin,' Levi breathed, a single syllable that was enough for Erwin to pull himself up and stare Levi down as if he was entitled to being in this room. As if he was in the right when they were both aware that he wasn't. 'You do not control me. You brought me to the Survey Corps against my will but that was millennia ago. Things have changed. My body and soul are mine now, not yours. I am not your property. I can do as I like. As a subordinate, I will follow your orders because that's what a soldier does but I will not stand for you controlling me. You have the power and control right now and you're ruining everything. Don't. Pin it. On me.' Erwin sucked in a breath, trying to find something to fight back with. The gun had fallen out of his hands and collapsed into Levi's.

Levi was wrong.

Erwin was not the one in control.

'You don't have to say anything.' Levi sighed when the silence continued, Erwin's mouth opened as if the words were there but quiet ruled him. Silence was best when there were no good words to say. 'I'm going to get you something for the hangover. You seem to be doing better. Just don't puke again.' Erwin nodded numbly, the words 'stay' as silent as the rest.

Levi extracted himself from the room with ease, the tension easing. Erwin still found it remaining and he realised that it was not only Levi that was against him. It was himself.

The door didn't quite shut, the gap just open enough the Erwin could watch the soldiers' passing shadows without being noticed himself but there were only two he truly saw, that he focused on.

'Eren, it was a slight on me. He deserves it.' Levi's voice, deep and gravelly, was answer by one so contradicting that Erwin almost sank into the sound. The soft voice swept through the door like wind, protecting Erwin when he felt bare. Whilst he harboured no feelings towards it like he did Levi's, there was something familiar about it. Something that he knew he had always liked but denied.

Eren was young, too young. But was that feeling of safety, that led on to so much more, that much better than the feeling of sending him and others his age to his death. Surely it could not be a slight to love it if he were going to kill it otherwise.

'But he's the most brilliant leader the world has ever seen! He doesn't deserve this treatment.' Eren defended and Erwin almost smiled at the thought of Levi's subordinate sticking up for him, fighting against all social hierarchy.

'That doesn't change anything. This is personal.' Levi spoke through gritted teeth, his anger seething through his bloodstream.

'I'm sorry.'

'I know you are.'

'I still think you shouldn't be so harsh.'

'You call that harsh?'

'You know how he normally is, Heichou, you've done something.'

'So now you're blaming me too, brat? Fuck off.' Levi stormed off before Eren could say a word, Erwin watching the shadow under the door sweep away like dust. Sighing, Erwin let his head fall back, waiting for any other signs of life. Had Eren left? Or was Eren there to guard him? Why was Eren there in the first place?

'Eren?' Erwin choked out, wondering why he bothered speaking at all when his throat was under such attack. No answer came but Erwin found a new determination to speak to his subordinate. Something he had tucked away for too long had come out and suddenly he found himself craving to speak to the boy. He hated that he felt it, it felt wrong. Eren was so young. But, in many ways, he was mature as the rest of them. Eren had seen things that no normal boy had seen. He had fought alongside men ten years his elder and still bested them in combat and not because of skill but because of pure drive. Erwin respected that above anything else?

'Eren?' Erwin tried again, louder. There was a shuffling but no more movement after that. 'Eren, I don't know what Levi told you to do but I just want to talk.' Erwin's throat finally gave up, the last words barely loud enough for Erwin himself to hear.

More shuffling, a few scrapes and creaking door was enough to alert to Erwin that he had gotten through. He smiled. 'I'm sorry if I'm making you go against orders.' Erwin hissed, the speech swallowed by his dry throat. He really hoped that Levi returned with some water.

'It's okay.' Eren looked more mature than ever at the sight of Erwin, any childish hope diminished to the admission that his two superiors were not gods but men too. His childish fantasy had finally left him but he found himself accepting it more easily than he expected.

'I apologise too for my voice.' Eren laughed at that, humourless and dead but a laugh none the less, if only to make Erwin feel better. 'Anyway, I wanted to say thank you.' His words were barely decipherable from the last but it was okay, the whisper just louder than the flickering of the gas lamp above them.

'Thank you?'

'For what you just said. I'm sorry about eavesdropping but I was thankful I did. Your faithfulness is appreciated.' Despite the difficulty in speaking, his language remained all too formal, almost uncomfortably so but Erwin struggled in doing any less. Levi often made him forget but Eren was still his subordinate, his walls were back up, no matter how weak they were in his position.

'You deserve it.' Erwin's eyebrows shot up, not expecting such a simple response, expecting something much more...awkward- a scratch of the head and a laugh or a gentle shrug.

'I'm sure my state is changing your mind.' Erwin laughed to himself, the breath closer to choking that what he had intended.

'It's not. If anything you are more human. Too many people believe you and Captain Levi are gods.' Eren smiled as if in the knowledge of a joke Erwin didn't get but he found himself smiling nonetheless- it was contagious.

'I assure you, I am not.'

'I know that now.' Eren's smile widened cheekily and Erwin understood enough to know Eren was teasing him. God, he really had let himself down if he was letting someone a decade younger than him, and under his command, tease him.

Nonetheless, Erwin was smiling and that was more than he could have ever hoped for in the circumstances. 'Thank you, Eren.'

'You've already said that.'

'I know. Thank you.' Eren didn't realise that Erwin was not thanking him for his praise at all.


	6. Torn Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Non-Believer ~ London Grammar  
> Send Them Off! ~ Bastille  
> Torn Apart ~ Bastille

Levi stalked down the corridor, his mind split in two, the anger barely outweighing the fear for Erwin. Erwin was their leader, he didn't break because he was invincible and now here Levi was, fetching him something to make him feel better after the worst hangover Levi had ever seen. And because of him. All because of him. Although Levi refused to blame himself, after all, it was not his fault that he ended it but he had to admit that without the torturous chain of events that he was apart of, none of this would have occurred.

As Erwin had warned him from the very beginning, love would be his poison. Levi let himself be that poison and somehow, he didn't regret that at all. Maybe that was what made him such a terrible person. Levi refused guilt, refused to feel pity or helplessness. Levi enjoyed what they had and hated how it ended. But from what he had heard, that was how all relationships went.

But nothing about their relationship had been normal. It wasn't supposed to be. They had started it and ended it perfectly but everything in between was a blur of hate and anger and fighting. Levi still did not regret it.

Levi didn't regret much. He would always try and pick the choice with no regrets, even if that was impossible. In situations where it was, he wouldn't let himself feel that guilt, no matter how hard it was.

Suddenly, his mind flashed to Isabel and Farlan. Maybe he could accept that there was one thing he was guilty of- or, at least, felt guilty for. That was his fault in a way that his and Erwin's relationship could not be. He left them, he let them die and no vengeance could cure that.

At least with Erwin, he knew that it was beneficial to both of them, even if the short-term effects didn't seem worth it.

Winding down through the headquarter, he lets his mind drift again, his feet moving monotonously as his mind took its own path. He let himself ignore that crippling guilt of the events that happened nearly a decade ago and tried to replace it with the good memories- to which there were few. But, they were growing. Each day, he knew he was making a few more.

He had to thank Eren for that. Eren with his shining eyes and buzzing personality; he was the perfect contrast to Levi and Levi couldn't punish him for that. Whilst he and Erwin had so much in common, Eren and he had very little. Yet, the attraction was the same.

And yes, maybe that was another thing to feel guilty about. Yes, he had fallen for Eren when he and Erwin were still together. And yes, their relationship was developing already. But, he could not fault himself for it. He and Erwin were over months before Levi said those words. Whether Erwin was away or 'tired' it made little to no difference in their lack of any romance or even friendship. Levi felt that speaking to Erwin today had been the first time in months.

But maybe this was all down the drain now. Stupid Eren for sticking up to his commander. Levi knew that the kid had some sort of creepy fascination for his superiors- far more adoration than it was lust- but Levi felt uncomfortable with the fact that Eren had chosen Erwin over him. Something didn't stick right with him and Levi promised himself that he would talk to Eren about it when he found him again. After caring for Erwin, of course.

The kitchen was his first stop, the place devoid of workers as they took their breaks between breakfast and dinner- lunch had been taken off after the recent budget cuts. The cupboards Levi looked in were no more full than the others, containing little more than a few apples and other rotten fruit. Suddenly, he was worried about what they were doing for dinner.

Expelling his idea of soup- the only meal he knew how to make- he grabbed one of the only edible apples he saw, alongside a thin slice of ham, which he had to cut into an even smaller piece once he saw the bites, most likely from a mouse, around it.

Slapping it all on the plate with a sigh, he rattled through ideas. He would still need to get a drink that wasn't alcoholic, which was proving difficult as they mostly drank weakened beer, or what they now knew as water, to stop disease from spreading through the water supply: the Survey Corps lost enough people as it was. But, Levi wouldn't risk giving Erwin any more and would have to attempt to boil water and let it cool, which would take far too long. Unfortunately, it was his only option so with another heaving sigh, he got to work; dragging a metal bucket from the cleaning cupboard, filling it with water, placing it on the stove, and waiting for it to come to a boil.

With so long to wait, Levi found himself drifting again. He wondered whether Erwin would thank him for all the effort or ignore it like all the other things Levi did for him. Erwin was a busy man and didn't have time to get food for himself often so Levi tried to take it for him; not once could he remember a time when Erwin actually thanked him for that, always just staring at the page he was writing on. Always work.

His mind drifted to Eren. It was almost the opposite. The seldom occasions where Levi decided to help out, Eren would not stop thanking him, that gleaming adoration tailing around him like a lost puppy.

Levi couldn't decide what was better.

But, then again, he had loved one of them and not the other and was that not the difference? Hell knew that Levi wanted to love Eren and the only thing stopping them was the length of their relationship. But his heart was also closed off. As much as he hated to admit it, it had hurt to leave Erwin, finally saying the words he had been wanting to say for weeks. Even if he was the one to say it, it still broke a piece of his heart, something that he wasn't sure Eren could fix. Too many pieces were broken already to put it back together.

It was screaming at him, though, to love someone else. After all the lies, the secrets between him and Erwin, all for the sake of salvaging their shaky relationship, he almost couldn't believe that was love. And no matter the age difference or the difference in position, maybe Eren was his chance. Or maybe Eren was just another person to chip his heart.

Levi didn't even want to care about it. He would rather be alone but over the last few months, he had become so dependent. It wasn't his fault; it had simply become a habit. This was all Erwin's doing, wasn't it? The man had lied when he said that maybe love could heal them. It hadn't. It had ruined them, just as Erwin had always believed, only deeming himself wrong under the curse of love.

Erwin lied to him, in many senses of the world. He had lied to him that he cared about the soldiers that died. He had lied to him that he cared about him. He had lied to him that he had ever believed in love. And all that time, his mind was screaming at him to not believe it. But he had wanted to. So badly. So badly that he had. And then Erwin says it doesn't matter that he lied because they could still be together, they could still put up that facade. It didn't matter that it was all wrong because they could pretend it was right. Yet, something still pleased him that Erwin still believed in it.

Ignorance was bliss. The truth hurt.

And maybe Levi was wrong. Maybe Erwin wasn't lying because he really did believe it. It wasn't just a facade but love. Love that Levi had thrown away like it was nothing. If he loved him, Levi was just preaching himself into believing his own stubborn mind. He didn't want to be in love. That didn't stop it from happening.

We are what we need. Levi needed something, something to make up for the hole. So Levi was lonely. Yet they were still different things. Levi was lonely only in the sense that he did not have love- he certainly had others things. Trust, companionship, friendship. So could he really call himself lonely? Or was he just dependent?

Levi cursed himself for believing all the nonsense his mind was coming up with. He was never made to be a philosopher, his education only in fighting and not in intelligence. But somehow it seemed so simple in his head. Yet he still couldn't find an answer.

He had to realise that he had chased an idea. Both of them had. Both of them wanted to break the rules, to free themselves from their constraints and love like no one else. Their passion came from deprivation. And now, after running away like fools, they left behind some broken creatures.

But then again, Levi still had no proof that their love was false at all. After all, he had never felt love for anyone else.

Hearing gurgling of the water, he fumbled over the bucket and turned the stove off, getting a glass and dipping it in the water, hoping the glass would cool it down slightly.

Patiently, waiting for a few minutes for it to truly cool, he gathered his things- the small plate of food and the water- hoping that he hadn't taken any longer than a dozen minutes.

Glad to see that Eren was stalking outside the door, he pushed in the door with the soldier, agilely balancing the flimsy tray in his hand. Placing it on his desk, he turned to see Erwin sitting up, looking a little better than before, his eyes darker and the bags more prominent but less gaunt than a half-hour before. And, next to him, Eren, his face red with embarrassment, his mouth still open as if he had been speaking and had only just noticed Levi's presence.

'Eren?'

'Um, Heichou. Sorry, I'll...' He rushed out before Levi could scold him for disobeying orders and only felt another surge of anger at the sight of Erwin's frown, one that he hadn't seen him sporting since he had entered.

'Erwin? You okay?' He scowled, examining Erwin for any sign of his condition worsening but he was sure that getting up was the first step to recovery. But then again, this was Erwin, who could fight through anything and Levi didn't doubt that he would have to constrain him to this room. Hopefully, the pretence of Erwin being away meant that he wouldn't sneak back to his office.

'Yes.' Erwin sighed, leaning his back against the wall, hissing at the movement, his head still spinning.

'You're lying. Don't bother.' Levi hissed, his temper flaring again. Having already snapped once at Eren, he didn't have the patience to have a reasonable conversation. Especially whilst he was helping. He grabbed the tray and almost threw it on Erwin's lap, the water slightly spilling over the side of the cup before Erwin took it and downed it in a single chug. 'Fifteen minutes of bloody boiling the stuff to go in a second.' Levi muttered to himself, infuriated, falling onto the single chair in his room with a huff.

'Well?' He urged, the scowl on Erwin's face growing larger.

'I heard you and Eren are...' Erwin couldn't even choke out the words, a shudder running through him as he remembered Erwin's words: 'Levi and I, well, something's happening. It's hard to tell, he's not the lovey-dovey sort. I don't think he's even had a relationship before.' It felt as if the words were meant to spite him, his irritation growing into anger as his mind dulled his facade and let out his more wrathful side, quick to a temper and easy to a punch, a side he had thought he'd left behind as a teenager.

'What, Erwin?' Levi said, almost expectantly. He knew the answer, he just wanted to hear him say it.

'Were you and Eren, whatever you are, when we were still together?' Erwin looked up, his words more composed, taking a few seconds to think them over. His mouth barely moved, though, the restraint holding him back. He didn't want to know the answer but maybe he needed to. Curiosity bested him; it always did.

'Yes.' The answer was so straight-forward, so easy for Levi to say. It almost made Erwin puke again, his stomach gurgling violently.

'Why?' Erwin didn't move his face from his lap, wondering where it all went wrong. What he had felt was so sudden, Levi had been feeling over...what? Weeks? Months?

'I've already told you what I think.'

'I want you to say it again.' He muttered, his eyes wide as his memory blurred. He couldn't remember a time when Levi had ever given him a reason. Levi was loyal to him. Ackerman's were always loyal to their partners, romantic or not. But this betrayal of that, Erwin was already ready to strip their relationship back to nothing.

'You weren't there, Erwin. That man you used to be wasn't there. You killed remorselessly and ignored me in the process. So, I left you before I told you.' Erwin had no reply to that. Levi looked so confident in his words, as if he had been thinking them over for days. He had, Erwin realised. He definitely had.

'And you thought having another relationship was okay? If you had just told me-'

'You wouldn't listen to me, Erwin!' Before they knew it, both of their voice had risen to high, their argument fuelled with hours full of holding back.

'I listened when you finally told me, didn't I?! What would be so different if you had told me, what, weeks before? What was it, Levi? Weeks or months? Or was it years? Was I that fucking blind that I didn't notice you breaking my trust for years?' Erwin didn't swear, Erwin didn't break. And here he was. All because of Levi. This was all his fault. No, it was Erwin's fault, he was the one who wouldn't listen.

They kept blaming each other. They would accept their mistakes because they had accepted one too many already.

'It was a month, Erwin, a month. And how dare you accuse me of any more. I was as loyal to you as a fucking dog and that's how you fucking treated me. I was sick of it. Maybe I just wanted to be the one who wasn't fucking looked down upon!'

'So you picked Eren?' Erwin whispered, his voice breaking slightly.

'Yes.'

'He's only just turned sixteen, Levi. Sixteen.' Erwin tried to argue, a shiver running down his spine at the hypocrisy of that statement. Erwin looked at Eren the same way Levi did, even if he was the only one who wouldn't admit it.

'And is you sending him to his death any better than me having a relationship with him?'

'That's different-'

'No, it's not.' Silence fell heavily on the room. Erwin panted, the exertion of shouting too much on his muddled brain whilst Levi scowled, tapping his nails violently against the wood of the chair, quickly and efficiently, like it was a message and not a nervous tic.

'I'm sorry, I'm in no position to stop you from having anything with Eren.' Erwin admitted, a shiver still trapping his body at every mention of Levi having moved on. Moved on in a way that Erwin knew he never could. 'But, you should have told me.'

'I know.' It was his best way of apologising, all his energy depleted to the point where he almost could have given in. This was easier for both of them, even if they knew things wouldn't ever be the same again. They would never be as close as they once were, nor were they going to be able to talk like they used to.

Erwin realised that he was right to some extent. Maybe love was not a danger to him but losing it was. Work would become even more arduous than before and he was blind sighted by the hands of Jealousy, his determination as scattered as his focus. Jealousy was ripping him apart one piece at a time.

Levi left without another word and Erwin didn't make a move to stop him, finally lying down again, his head crying with relief at the comfort. His thoughts still poisoned him, though.

Only did it settle to him then that someone may have heard their argument and Levi would certainly have no good words to explain. That was always Erwin's duty. He was lucky, though. Even if it wasn't in his knowledge, there had been no one near but one person. The one person that wouldn't tell. But maybe the one person it affected most: Eren.

Erwin wouldn't realise until later that that was the reason his skin felt like it was crawling, the familiar shadow of Paranoia, standing behind him, protecting him at the cost of fear. He had long since grown used to it; Paranoia had become as much a friend as fear. There was no other way that someone survived as Commander of the Survey Corps.

The ceiling danced above him, shadows playing and laughing around each other as sunlight flittered through the thin curtains. He frowned at the sight of the swirling shapes, his eyes deceived by false shapes, seeing faces he wished to never remember and bodies that he had thought he had forgotten. And above it all, Paranoia laughed louder, it's arm wrapped around his shoulder, bantering like an old friend.

The demons in his head rushed around, buzzing and bringing him to conclusions far too fast. He spiralled. The dark thoughts became darker and the suppressed memories came to the surface. Everything he had hidden had been revealed and the lock snapped, irreplaceable. The demons fed on his insecurities, to which there were now thousands, their pleased smiles reflecting on the shapes of the shadows he watched.

Erwin, with every muscle and effort, wanted to run after Levi now, to ask for forgiveness and have his healing hands back on his heart, letting it beat its usual rhythm. The panic surged and his heart pumped like a factory, blood rushing from his head, leaving him disorientated and in agony.

Erwin wished for their nights together to return. The ritual of the night healing him after a day of skilled and planned murder. The weight on his shoulders bore heavier than before it was shared, each brick felt on his withered back.

Erwin hated himself for not being able to get rid of himself. Hated that he couldn't be what he was on the outside. That stony facade that never seemed to crumble, even now, when everything within had, which made people revere him as a god- just as Eren had said. He hated that he couldn't let it go, couldn't exorcise his demons, couldn't function in any way but being the devil that everyone else told him he was. And now even Levi.

Levi couldn't see past his own blame. He couldn't see how he had broken Erwin. Even now, alone in this room, Erwin knew that Levi wouldn't let this pass. This chasm between them would only grow larger. He didn't need Levi to confirm that. Levi wouldn't be able to save him: exorcise him from his demons.

He's haunted by his history, the green eyes of Jealousy watching him, waiting for the time to pounce when the guilt fades and leaves room for them by their side. For that reason, Erwin refused to let it go, crushing himself under the weight of the guilt, simply to push out the jealousy. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make. A sacrifice he was always willing to make: sacrificing his own sanity for the continuation of humanity.

Erwin fell asleep quickly and without any further torment, his body too exhausted to haunt him with nightmares of times long past and times still to come. He dreams of happy things, his own mind hoping that maybe a little happiness is worth it. Something to compare to, something to strive for even if he knew he would never reach it.

He dreamed of Levi's arms around him, the man smiling like he never smiled at anyone else; that gentle curve of his lips that lit up his eyes and wrinkled his face. The smile that Erwin had believed was only for him.

In his sleep, it compels him into thinking he is safe and he is glad it does. He knows when he wakes that reality will set in and his life will go on, even if his days or more limited than the rest. He'll go on as he always does: like nothing is wrong. Because nothing is ever wrong.

Erwin is both the god and the devil. He is the saviour of humanity. Even if no one accepts it.

 

_''Your mind exists somewhere altogether different. It lives in a world where feelings simply cannot be defined by words''_

 

-

Levi couldn't see, his vision was tainted red, the corridors falling side to side as he stalked down them like a predator following its prey. People stared but he didn't have the mind to spite them, moving on, each corner more dizzying than the lost. He waded through the thick water of his mind, thoughts swirling until they were only a blur of colour- golds and blues, a dash of bright greens and browns.

Hanji stopped to ask him what was wrong but he gave no reply, pushing her to the side, not caring when she stumbled and hit the wall, her back hitting at a funny angle. People stared at him in shock, he still didn't care.

He reigned himself in. He knew that it was not Hanji's fault. Anyone who would touch him was going to meet his strength. He did not have the capacity to put up with people but with no private routes to his final destination, he found himself wading through crowds of chatty teenagers and whining young adults, all with the same happy smiles on their faces.

He made it to the final door without another incident, though, even if he knew the repercussions with Hanji were going to hit back harder than he wanted them to. He was sure he didn't push her too hard. But, she looked hurt. Hanji rarely looked hurt.

He pushed it open with a creak, the hinges hanging loosely on the broken wood. The stairs behind were old, one of the few things that had never been renovated but Levi found that, with his weight, there was no danger in them falling. Despite being almost purely muscle, the lack of food leaving little fat on his already gaunt body, his weight was still at least half his superiors'.

Pushing the door at the top open with much more ease than the bottom, he let himself revel in the beauty of his hiding spot. To his knowledge, no one else knew this route to the roof and although it mustn't have been uncommon for people to try and get up here, they must have taken climbing routes. The door, despite being quite practical, was hard to see in the darkness of the back hallways, unlit due to little use.

Levi walked out onto the flat roof (the real, pointed roof had been knocked down after it had been seen as dangerous due to its frail condition), swiftly and efficiently, sitting on the edge, his feet dangling in the cool breeze, leaning back on his pale arms. The moonlight flittered down gently and Levi let the coolness calm him, his bare skin freezing at each brush of the wind but it was nothing that he hadn't felt before. Down in the shadows of the underground, the breeze whipped rapidly, wind tunnels causing rapid gusts due to the badly designed exits of the buried city. Cold was no foreigner to his people and despite causing as terrible injuries as the lack of sun, those who survived had soon become immune. Levi still believed himself lucky to be placed in that group.

He shut his eyes and leant back, the hairs on his body rising as he shivered. Still, it was no less welcome. The whipping wind cleared his thoughts like with each gust, it took another frail argument away.

Levi couldn't control his thoughts, though. With each one that was swept away, another one seemed to take its place. His mind was divided, two-halfs dedicated to two people. One one side, he could see ice and gold, broken and desolate but beautiful nonetheless. And on the other, fields of green and nature, astonishing in its wildness and chaos. One would set him free and one would trap him yet he wanted both. He wanted the two sides to collide and become one. He didn't want fields of green without the fields of ice by their side. Nature was nothing without the golden throne of that who ruled.

Levi clutched his hands against the wooden beams that made up the roof, the gaps large enough that he could fall down into the abandoned rooms underneath. The white in his knuckles became more pronounced as time went on and more and more his mind made up that one would not do without the other.

And it was certainly no possibility that he could do without both.

He cursed himself for doing this to himself, plaguing his thoughts with people that he should have never become reliant on. But he thought of them all the time. No matter what, no matter how much he cursed himself, he thought of them. Because they were them and somehow they had weeded their way into his heart and had grown into beautiful flowers that he didn't have the heart to rip out.

Erwin, with his eyes of ice and his golden hair, was the one person Levi could be himself around. And no matter what the situation had been, Levi knew that he would have fallen in love with him. Before their love had come unrelenting loyalty and from there, their love blossomed easily. And with Erwin, his thoughts always evaporated and it was just them. Them against the world. Levi was happy like that.

But Levi was no less torn.

Eren, with his green eyes and chaotic nature, had stamped his mark on him. Stepping on him like a Titan, leaving him no room to breath. But the asphyxiation felt so good; the entrapment a protective shell around him where, in the darkness, he could forget about the rest of the world.

Even now, when neither of them were with him, they never left his thoughts. They were attached now. It was too late to rip out the weeds- it would only rip out his heart too.

It hurts like hell to be torn apart.


	7. Bloodstream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lethargy ~ Bastille  
> Someone That Loves You ~ HONNE  
> Bloodstream ~ Transviolet

The smile on his face was as fake as the rest of it. Hidden behind the gleam in his green eyes was nothing. He didn't feel anything: no joy, no sadness, no anger. Just nothing. It had taken hours for it all to settle in. It had taken so long just to understand that he had been naive and stupid.

Maybe he really was too young. He'd like to think he wasn't but here was the proof. Unbeatable proof. You can't go to war with facts. You'll always be wrong. You'll always be the naive one. You'll always be the one left in the dirt, huddled in on themselves with tear-stained cheeks and mud-stained boots. And blood, so much blood.

He knew too much now. Far too much. Erwin and Levi were in love; he heard it, behind all the shouting. There was love still there. And even if Levi had any sort of feelings for Eren, it was clear that it was so much stronger for Erwin. He was just the one to help Levi through their end. Eren wasn't something that could have a beginning or an end, he was simply the bridge between the last end and the new beginning. Like the war. He was always the bridge, wasn't he? Used for the benefits of others to make a new world, one he would never see himself.

Maybe he wasn't as naive as he had first thought. Or wished. It seemed nowadays that the two were one in the same.

But something within him didn't want to end it with Levi. Something still felt in place when he thought of the other. Something settled when he was Levi. But, as he let his mind wander, he found that maybe that wasn't exactly what he thought it had been. That comfort, that state in which he could almost, for a second, believe he was safe. Something that he always felt with Levi.

And something he had just found with Erwin.

He groaned, throwing his head into his hands, his back awkwardly straight on the rock hard mattress of his bed. It was a blessing to be alone but somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, he wished there was someone to help him right now. Armin might have had an answer. Or more likely the permanent solution that he had said from the start. End it and end it now. Before its too late.

Throwing himself off the bed in sudden haste, he balanced delicately on his delicate legs, feeling like he had just undergone a Titan transformation. Something pushed him to work, two strong hands on his back pressing him until he had to push his foot out just to stop himself from falling.

Lethargy consumed him, something about that whole day felt like it was weighing down on his back and the lack of sleep from the previous night was finally creeping up on him like a curse. He tried to shake it but the grip was just too hard, nails digging into his flesh, blood trailing to the ground. Except he could see no red. It was in the touch, the invisible touch on his arms. He could feel it so vividly or he wanted to. He wanted there to be a reason for his movements. But, every time he blinked, he knew it was him that had taken the next step. This wasn't a memory nor a dream, this was him...going crazy.

His feet itched to move, to find somewhere better. Somewhere quieter, emptier, more hidden. Anywhere that would give him the silence necessary to sift through his thoughts and categorise him. It wasn't often that he thought. Not that he was dim, he would rather not say that. But, nonetheless, he liked to do things without thinking. It helped him, sometimes. Gave him something to blame.

But right now he'd do anything to escape that. He couldn't bear another burden on his shoulders. The whole world was relying on him, he couldn't add himself to the top of that pile.

He groaned again, this time louder. He knew what he was doing. Trying to explain himself with barely coherent thoughts. Just enough to believe that he wasn't in his right mind. Something to get him out of this trap. He was spiralling; he was taking every thought too far. Every little detail was turning into an event. Each move became a battle strategy; each word became another speech.

It was like his mind was screaming at him to move. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Pressure to keep moving, to keep running. The door flew open and he dragged himself out. The slow movement of his legs pained him. He needed to move faster but he couldn't do anything but move like a ghost. Each step was agonising, it was taking him too long to get away. Too soon there would be another person to return him to his room, to ask him what's wrong, to try and fix it all when they had nothing to do with the bloody thing.

He needed to run away. Fast as he could. Before they ask him and he gives the answer he always does. 'I'm fine.' It's the answer everyone gives. It's the answer that means nothing and everything. It means you're okay or you're not okay. But it never means that you're terrible nor does it mean your ecstatic. It describes the state in between: mundane and unnoticeable. And Eren almost wished that he didn't put himself there. He wanted these feelings to have a purpose. Not just to be there to bring him down but to do something, to hurt someone or to make someone better. Anything.

His anger meant something. It meant that he was fighting for a cause. It meant that he was passionate about what he did. But sadness, what use did sadness have? It would make him feel better in the long run, he hoped. But was it really worth it now? Was all this worth it? It certainly didn't feel like it. But what did he know?

Really, what did he know?

Nothing.

When he lashed out, it was sudden. His foot jammed into the crates and sent them flying across the corridor, one splintering under his boot.

Eren was always told to be himself. He was always told to let that anger rule him, let him become what he was meant to be. For the good of humanity. But what good would it do him now? He was stuck in the headspin of creation, blinded by anger and happiness and sadness and joy until he couldn't tell them apart any longer. And then there's death. The end of the line. The inevitable.

And right now, in his mind, they just all seemed to blur into one.

He was the weapon in his leader's hands. It was them who carried the burden. The Commander and the Captain; the Strong and the Saviour. Eren was just the man beneath them. He was the rage that lit their fire. And what he'd do not to worry like them. He couldn't help it. He wanted to help, he wanted to share the burden. But he wasn't. All these deaths he blamed himself for, all this blood. It wasn't him. It was them. Yet, he worried just as much.

The Scouts are as foreign to humanity as men up in space. And all of the non-believers below them, staring at them in awe and wonder, don't realise the sacrifice it took to get there. They don't realise what they see. They don't see the bones, the bodies, the blood.

It was like his eyes opened again and he was running. Still running. No one had the heart to confront them, they let him run fast. Pressure, pressure. Faster, faster. He kept running. His thoughts chased him, further and further, until his breaths became pants and his muscles became slugs.

'I'm fine.' He whispered, almost to himself, almost to the people around him. To nothingness, really. A way to clear his head. A way to make him fine. Maybe stating it would make it true. But life doesn't work like that, does it? Life doesn't just answer your prayers. Life doesn't just make things true. Things are true. Facts are not made they are born.

Within seconds, Eren realised he was outside. 'Why now?' He whispered into the air, letting the puffs of breath warm the cold night. It was dark. When did it get dark? His mind was still reeling and he was struggling to contain it. It was like he was trapped in a dream.

It was all his fault. He shouldn't have let this happen. Eren always clung to the sanity he had left but he should know by now that there isn't any left to cling to. Eren was sixteen and he had seen more blood than anyone. He had shed that blood himself, he had torn others to pieces.

They told him not to be like anyone else. And here he was. The only one of his kind to be on humanity's side. Unique. Insane. Bowing down to his superiors because he had nothing left of his own. He couldn't give himself free will because it would only end up in his mental state deteriorating further. He relied on them. On those above him. To save him. To love him. That's why he admired them. They were his puppeteers and he was so glad to be their puppet.

'Eren.' The voice shocked him out of his reverie and he stumbled forward, avoiding the outstretched hand that fought to find his shoulder.

'Mikasa.' He replied, his voice sounded distant, even to himself. He was in no mood to talk. He'd checked out long ago. Oh, what he'd do not to worry like this. Not to worry other people.

'Eren, are you okay?'

'I'm fine.' Even now, he could tell he was more than just fine. He was beyond the parameters of 'just fine'. And before he could even think it through, the words came tumbling off his lips. 'What's happening?' Like a lost child calling for his mother, he begged, his eyes wide and fearful. Something was wrong. He had come to the end of his tether. Real life events weren't matching up to his thoughts. He had thought so much, he had worried so much but how much time had passed? Minutes? An hour? And what had he done? Run down a corridor? Kick a few boxes? Maybe it had barely been five minutes. Maybe it had barely been any time before. Maybe this was all just his mind. Maybe he really was just insane.

He wanted the picture painted clear, he didn't want to see these blurry shapes any longer. He didn't want to be ruled by this confusion. What had he done? One conversation, one lonely argument and Eren had fallen off the wire. One small ounce of heartbreak and his heart had fractured into shards of glass, cutting himself to pieces.

He wished he didn't have an imagination. He wished he didn't come up with these pictures of his death, the battlefield, the blood. He wished he didn't see it. He wished his puppeteers could block his eyes and ears. He didn't want to be controlled, he wanted to be taken over entirely.

His mind was not strong enough for this war. He hadn't lived long enough for this. He was merely a boy. A boy with the whole world on his shoulders. Humanity's hope. Oh, what he'd do not to worry like you.

'Eren, tell me what's happening.' Mikasa was in front of him now. How had that happened? It was like his mind was taking over his eyes, trying to cover them even when the strings were pulling them back.

'I can see blood.'

'We need to get you to a doctor. Armin! Jean! Something's wrong with Eren!' He could hear more shouting but all he could hear was red. See red, hear red, taste red, be red. And he ran. Pressure, pressure. Faster, faster. He ran away from them. As fast as his legs would take him. Until he was on the roof. An unfamiliar location with just as unfamiliar wind. Strong gusts blew him back and he couldn't help but revel in the sensation.

Thrilling and beautiful. From here, it was like he was standing with the stars. Surely the building wasn't that high? But wasn't that just what bliss did. Tricked you into believing you are far more than you are.

'Eren?' He swung his head and could barely perceive the shadow hiding in the mist of black. A silhouette dangling off the edge. Levi.

'Hey.' He whispered, the words feeling unnatural on his lips. Inching towards the darkness, Eren felt himself settle. All the reeling paused into still bliss; a blankness that he was thankful for. He couldn't contain the chaos sometimes, a little peace would do him good. He should have just been grateful that he hadn't transformed sometime within the tantrum- if that's what it could be called.

'What are you doing here?' Levi didn't sound much better than him, his voice clouded in sadness, a dark mask blending his face into the darkness.

'Lashed out a bit; escaping conviction.' Eren admitted shameful, his head hanging low as he lowered himself on the edge, letting his legs dangle over the edge, protected by the thin cloth of his trousers.

'Seems we're here for the same shitty reason.' Levi sighed, slumping down, his arms folded protectively over his chest.

'I heard your conversation with Erwin.' Eren couldn't tell in the lack of light whether Levi was surprised by this revelation but the sudden silence suggested that it might have done so. It continued on and Eren didn't have the bravery to speak further, the judgement wise giving that Levi could probably throw Eren off this roof with little mercy. Regeneration's a bitch.

'What's it to you?'

'A lot.' Eren knew it was the wrong answer as soon as it rolled off his tongue but he felt no guilt in the words. They were true, after all. Erwin and Levi's arguments were not his to listen upon but this involved him as much as it involved them.

'You shouldn't have been listening, brat.'

'I know.' He sighed, any further words stuck in his throat. What was he supposed to say? To ask?

'I didn't mean for any of this shit to happen. Should have listened to Erwin. Love is the curse of men.'

'I don't think it is.'

'So what do you think it is?'

'A cure.' Eren smiled, gazing at Levi out of the corner of his eye, something mischievous glinting behind the usual shimmer.

'And why's that, brat?'

'You loved him. I think you know.'

'You don't know what it's like.'

'Sure I don't but I hope I will.'

'Stop coming on to me, shit-head.'

'I'm not! I promise!' He defended with his arms raised in surrender. The statement was partially true, at least. Although he would love for Levi to accept him now and move on from any previous relationships he knew that he couldn't. No matter how much Eren wanted them to touch, to become something more than Captain and Titan, he had someone else who loved him.

'Love isn't this easy, Eren. You're not just going to woo me on a rooftop. You're not going to woo me, full stop.' Levi sulked, his eyebrows drawn together angrily and his usual impassive mask contorting into confusion and hurt. Something that Eren was sure that he hadn't seen before. 'Whoever's told you that love is simple had it pretty good. Impossibly fucking good. So don't try this, it's not going to end well. I think we both know by now that this is two-sided (or you do now) but no matter how much I feel for you, I feel as much for him. That's not fair, to either of you.'

'That's not fair to you either.'

'No, it's not.'

'Why don't you just choose.'

'I'm split in half, Eren, you can't just ask me to choose.' He spat venomously and Eren shut his mouth before the storm could form, letting Levi let out ragged breaths as he calmed down. Eren had never heard so many emotions from Levi's words before; Levi was a man of actions, not words and to hear this felt like a blessing and a curse.

'Can't we just...one night. Just like before, when you chose me.' Eren pleaded, his heart thumping loudly as he took one step too far, his sole falling just over the line.

'No, Eren! What does it take for you to get the point! I love someone and if you haven't noticed, you have someone who loves you too. You shouldn't ignore her.'

'Who?'

'Mikasa.' Eren let the silence fall after that. Of course Mikasa loved him but like a sister not a lover. Or, he thought that. That made sense, right? That all made sense, right? He could feel the throttle push forward and his mind started to buzz, ready to take off and send him into another fit off delusion.'

'I'm sorry, I just... I'm patient, I'll wait for you. I don't love her and she doesn't love me like that. We're siblings. I know that you have someone who loves you but I'm patient, Levi! You have to understand that, I'll wait.'

'No, you won't.' Levi tried to stand but Eren's hand was already clutched around his wrist.

'One night, that's it. You've done it before, what's holding you back now?'

'Erwin.'

'What about him?'

'He knows now. I can't do this knowing that.'

'But why not?!'

'You should not, brat! I loved him and look at me! I run off with someone a decade younger than me because he just didn't see it! Don't you see it! I love him!'

'But you can love me too!'

'No I can't!'

'You can!' And their lips smashed together, passionate and unbridled yet it still felt too wrong. Levi struggled and pushed Eren away.

'What the hell, Eren! What the fuck was that?'

'Showing you what you're missing.' He growled, something unnatural taking over his body.

'You're forgetting who I am, Eren. You may be Humanity's bloody hope but I can kill you with a click of my fingers. Remember. That. I thought I made it clear. You want me or whatever but that's not fucking happening tonight.'

'But you won't tell me why.'

'Eren, don't.'

'No, tell me why!'

'No.'

'Tell me!'

'Because it's fucking working okay!? You're actually making me consider this but I can't! I just fucking can't! For him, okay?! I know you want my love but that, right now, is the only thing I fear.'

'You shouldn't.'

'But I should, Eren! You're beautiful and dangerous and young. Go off with someone your own age. Have affairs in the cleaning cupboard like normal teenagers do. I'm not having you caught up in this.'

'Just. One. Night.'

'What would you do? In my position, what would you do? What is a mean when he can't even choose a lover? My mind's not in a good place right now.'

'You keep acting like its only tonight that we can't.'

'I just don't know, Eren. I just don't know. Give me time.' Levi pulled his arm back from Eren's hand and stalked off, remaining in the shadows even when the orange flame flickered angrily at him.

'I don't understand. What's making this so confusing?' Eren begged, his voice dropping back to a whisper, caught in the wind, drifting inconsequentially into the sky above.

'Stop it! You can't bloody pressure me into this!' Silence rang loud again and the chiming of the night seeped into both of their bones. The moon had long since taken its place in the sky and the beams did nothing the alleviate the destructive tension between them.

'I'm sorry.' A mere whisper, an apology that meant little but felt so important on Eren's lips. It was true, after all. Looking back now, only to the last few minutes, he felt the shame enwrap him, so painfully tight that it was a struggle to breathe.

'You should be. What were you thinking?' Levi hissed, his chest still heaving from lost breath; his voice was still hoarse from shouting.

'I got carried away.' Eren didn't have anything left to say, dropping back down onto the ledge and letting himself dangling, imagine what it would be like to just...fall.

'I know.' Levi took a cautious step forward, every limb shaking at the control and preciseness his actions took. Levi was the master of speed not slow. Each move was excruciation but move to fast and hell could erupt.

His hand barely reached out to Eren's shoulder when the voice flung it away. 'Don't touch me.' Eren snapped, his whole body stilling unnaturally: similarly to a seizure. 'You can't. You've got someone else who loves you, right?' Eren laughed self-deprecatingly, letting his eyes drift to the stars, a wan smile gracing his features at the magical moroseness of it all. 'I'm not taking all of it back. I'm here and I'll be patient but as you said, not tonight, right?'

'Right.' The confirmation was all Eren needed to let Levi's shoulder clasp his shoulder, leaning on it as he lowered himself down next to Eren, his stoic features looking just a little bit lighter as the joined Eren's in staring at the skies above. Black, with just a glitter of starlight, nothing less than beautiful- Earth's miracle.

'What happened with you today, anyway? Not often that I see Captain of the Survey Corps on the roof.' Eren smiled, at least stripping away the first layer of the chasm separating them, the centimetre between them stretching over a mile.

'It's more common than you think.'

'And you're evading the question.'

'I pushed Hanji into a wall.'

'You did what?!' Eren laughed, shock and amusement blurring together in his glowing eyes, wide and sparkling.

'I pushed Hanji into a wall, hard.' Levi repeated, the deadpan expression making the situation all more hilarious.

'Why?! What did she do this time? Tell you that she wanted to experiment on midgets again?' Eren laughed, hoping that the fact that the statement was indeed history that Levi wasn't going to give him the same fate.

'She got in the way.'

'Wha-, oh.' Eren's face fell as he thought of his afternoon, the way he had hit the boxes hard enough for them to shatter under the force. Was that what happened to Hanji? 'Is she okay?'

'I hope.'

'Are you okay?'

'Probably not.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No.'

'Okay.' Silence was happy to fill the hours that passed. Small chatter began to seep through the gaps but all in all, they were happy to relish in the sweetness of the chill and the cold blast that lapped at their faces.

It was not until the sun was a mere few hours from rising that Levi turned to face Eren properly, his whole body twisting and staring at the boy across from him. His grey eyes stared dully at green, his black locks shadowing his face.

'I think I've made a decision.' Eren looked up in surprise at the words, trying to decipher their meaning but coming up with little.

'On what?'

'On this.' Levi leaned forwards, pressing his lips onto his, gently but surely. This wasn't what it normally was, this was something else entirely. Good. Cautious, wary, like a first kiss all over again. Not lust, not love. But Eren would rather state that it was closer to the latter.

'I thought you said not tonight?'

'I said to let me think it through.'

'And you have?'

'For way too fucking long.' They met again with an unbridled fierceness that the last did not hold and something about this was just as good. Familiar. A match to Eren's personality as well as Levi's. This was them.

Suddenly, it was all like a burst of light. They stumbled backwards and Levi found himself on top of Eren as the strobing lights danced around them, beaming and screaming and pounding against their contrasting skin. Fingers danced down Eren's spine and fingers trailed down Levi's in return.

How cruel desire was. But, consequences be damned. Who cared about the morning when the night contained so much more? Levi knew from the moment that Eren's met his, just as the stars began to blend together, that there was no escaping this. He looked and Levi lost all his will.

'Hey,' he whispered, the deep voice resonating in Eren's ear.

'Hey.' He whispered back with a ghost of a smile taunting his lips.

'One day, Eren, I promise, we're going to win this war and this...this won't just be one night.'

'You can't make a promise like that.' Eren choked out.

'But I am. You have to remember that I was a criminal; I say what I want, damn the consequences.' The words had Eren reeling. To be honest, it felt like sometimes he did forget. But here, now, he couldn't help but understand. The outlaw falling in love, an outlawed love, and damn, it made him lose control.

White hot adrenaline pounded through both of them and soon the chill of the wind touched their skin. Like a prayer off his lips, Eren's blue lips said his name. They needed each other, like injections into their bloodstream. There was no running away.

They wrapped around each other, warmth radiating from them. Holding each other, they lost themselves in a reverie, barely capable of rationalising the real world. Sweat poured down them like acid rain as the heat fought the cold.

And then it was over. Levi stood up, chucking a shirt back over his shoulders. The lucid dream was broken and the world came crashing back down. Like it always does. They could never be free for long, could they? That was the nature of war.

Because nothing's fair in love and war.


	8. The Hope, The Strong & The Saviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleepsong ~ Bastille  
> The Good Side ~ Troye Sivan  
> Like Toy Soldiers ~ Eminem

That night Erwin was plagued with dreams of blood. His nights were commonly filled with terrors but this night was something entirely new to him. Blood ran freely from his glassy eyes and his lips burned as the tears seeped through the thin barriers of his chapped, bleeding lips. He watched soldiers die, over and over but it failed to scare him anymore, it was just a reality. But, in the middle, were two men. No, boys. Back to back, their scar-torn faces painted red and their blades dug into the mud-stained ground. Their horses had fled and they were left alone in the wilderness of the Titans.

Neither of them looked afraid.

Bold and voracious, they stared up their attacks with nonchalance, a smugness to their smile, and they were eaten by greasy fingers and spit-filled grins. A flash of black and grey and a dash of green and brown, mangled together in a bone-smashing crunch.

Erwin knew he screamed. He never screamed.

He was awoken by a palm on his shoulder, the white room- four walls, a ceiling and a floor, all pristine white- unfamiliar and harsh. The effulgence burned through his thin eyelids as he blinked to regain formality. He tried to sit up but he was stuck, only his chest heaving as the fear of last nights dream came to reality.

‘You’re okay.’ A voice whispered, bordering on bored, a cold palm freezing Erwin’s immobile cheek.

‘Levi?’ He croaked, his blurry eyes cracking open to see the shadow of dark, this time free of any red but still enough for his heart to pound rapidly like the clock on the wall. Time ticked fast, the regular clicks palpitating at least three times the speed. Yet, Erwin felt languid. As movement returned to his body, he wriggled his fingers and then his toes before slowly heaving himself off the mattress, at a speed at least three times slower than usual. ‘What happened?’

‘Don’t worry about it, Erwin. You’ll understand soon.’ He nodded blearily and pushed himself up against the headboard, the thick wood reverberating the thud of his heavy frame.

'Try not to move too much, it's best if you stay still.'

'Why-' He gasped as a sharp pain shot through his torso and through to his right arm, all the way to the tip of the fingers. Like poison in his veins, it raged until his nerves on fire, his muscles contracting violently until he felt the blood pound to the beat of his heart.

'That's why. Now, rest, it's for the best.' Erwin nodded hazily and drifted off, only to wake what felt like a second later and no better rested for it.

'You awake?' Levi asked, perched on a stool by his bed, flipping through a book with glasses perched on the end of his nose. Erwin nodded, staring at Levi with curious scrutiny. 'You don't usually wear glasses.'

'But you want me to.' He got no further explanation as Levi jumped from his chair and onto the beautifully perfected white tiles and only now did Erwin take in his outfit. 'What are you wearing?'

'What you want me to.' The combination of tight-fitting white trousers and an unblemished buttoned-down shirt did wonders to show off his physique but Erwin knew that Levi would never wear it in a thousand years- called it whorish to do so.

'That's not an answ-'

'Stop testing me. You think too much. Just calm down for a bit, you deserve it.' Erwin nodded reluctantly, shifting so his back was upright against the headboard, the ache in his spine diminishing as quickly as it came.

'What do you want to do today?' Levi asked nonchalantly, tucking his hands into the immeasurably small pockets.

'There's work to do for the upcoming expedition, I think I'll start on-'

'Stop. What do you really want to do today? No work, no stress. What do you do for fun, Erwin? I've always wanted to know.' The words sounded wrong on Levi's tongue, too formal, too caring, too Erwin. But, Erwin could not decipher the old Levi from this one, his mind didn't want to register that something was wrong at all. Why lose all this? Why lose the calm that washed over his hazy mind? Why couldn't he just...relax? Relax and revel in the long-awaited attention of a lover.

'I usually read but with you here...why don't we go for a walk?' Erwin asked and, as if by magic, he could move without pain. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood over Levi like a tower over a hut but the distance between them was made up by the smiles on both their faces.

Erwin didn't think he could say he'd ever seen Levi's true smile. If you had asked him to guess what it looked like, he would have been correct. Levi's smile barely curved his lips but his cheeks protruded out childishly and his eye's glinted like a boy stealing candy from the cupboard- a dash of mischief tied into the unperfected smile.

'Sure.' Levi replied as he looked up at Erwin, taking him in from head to toe with an amused gaze. Erwin looked down at himself, oddly self-conscious, almost laughing at his attire. Like Levi, his white trousers clung to his body like a child to its mother and his shirt was a few too many buttons down to be considered formal, the white, crisp material unfamiliar yet so, so soft.

'Well, don't we both look strange.' Erwin remarked with a shake of his head, grasping Levi's hand in his and squeezing it like it was his lifeline, holding it so carefully and so tightly as to never let it go. He'd missed this, the days where Levi was by his side. But now, in the glaring light of the white chamber, it was like those days had never happened. He could barely recall that anything had been wrong between them.

But, deep down, he still felt the pang in his heart when Levi's hand interconnected with his. Loneliness. Why would he feel that now? He had everything he ever wanted?

They left the room, only to enter another all-white corridor. The blinding light was enough for Erwin to wince and place a hand over his eyes, peering down at Levi, who seemed entirely unaffected by the raging light.

'How are you looking at that?' Erwin asked, squeezing Levi's hand to gain his attention.

'It's not that bright. Now, follow me. Anywhere you want to go in particular?'

'I'm sick of white. Outside?' Levi nodded and went ahead, dragging Erwin behind him like a dog on a leash whilst Erwin blindly followed, without thinking of the consequences, even as his heart palpitated wildly.

He should be working, he realised. Why hadn't he argued earlier? That would have been what he always did. Yet, he had given in so easily. What was wrong with him? Was he forgetting something?

Yes. He was. Something important. Something very, very important.

But nothing came to mind.

The reached the end of the corridor and Levi pushed against the wall, his hand stretching right through before he walked through. 'That's impossible...' Erwin whispered before he was drawn through, the wall rippling behind him.

'Well, here we are.' Levi gestured, motioning to the most intriguing garden Erwin had ever encountered. Like the overtly rich Lords of Sina, the garden was lusciously green, herbs and flowers and fruits growing in tandem. Twirled around each other, the plants grew wall, far about Erwin's head, on unimaginably constructed lattices. But more impressive were the hedges. Huge sculptures of perfectly manicured hedges swirled up above them until they mode grotesquely beautiful shapes.

Men on horseback stood proudly above him and in the distance, he could see a queen stand proudly by her king. And then, he understood. 'A chessboard.'

'Yes, I know you like chess. I'm not going to play you, I'll only fucking lose.' Erwin laughed at how suddenly, well, Levi he sounded. 'But, I thought you'd like it.' Erwin nodded, smiling gently, walking to the closest flower and running his finger over its delicate petals, the purple staining his fingers like blackberries.

The summer heat bore down on his back and although he couldn't feel it, he revelled in the way the glistening rays painted the flowers brighter and more beautiful.

His fingers danced along the shadows of purple and pink, jumping to the blue like a bug in the summertime. The gentle wind whipped his unsensing skin. The lack of sensation riddled him with confusion but the way he felt Levi's eyes bore into his back was like being wrapped in his mother's embrace again.

'Erwin, I'm going to get jealous if you spend any more time with those flowers.' Levi stated flatly but Erwin could hear the sarcasm that laced his words and the small, almost imperceptible, smile that quirked his lips.

Erwin stood with a smile, gliding back to Levi with an ease that he had never understood, his long strides taking him like an angel through the garden of Eden, the place hidden away in the forbidden books of his locked-away bookcase. Levi had seen that bookcase. But, Levi wasn't much a reader, yet the feeling of passing on a burden had made Erwin smile that day like he was smiling now. It was always better when Levi was by his side. 'Levi, I-'

Erwin was cut off by the fluttering of his eyes and the speck of sunlight that gathered in his eye like the dust of abandoned castles. Abandoning the dream with a heavy heart, he let himself suffocate in the loneliness of the room, his heart pounding the heavy thud of his foot against the wood. Tap, tap. Tap, tap. Tap, tap.

He opened his mouth to speak, finding the shadows in the corner to be his only friend. They taunted him in their darkness, their spirals of black and corners of the void left Erwin lost in their infinity, the hole in his heart like a cavern with the wind rushing through.

Pushing his feet down, the bareness of his skin burning against the cool floor, he stood with an unintended sigh and creakily grabbed his clothes, piling them neatly and grabbing his towel before making his way to the bathroom.

His feet pounded against the stone floors of the corridors, just like Levi's did when his eyebrows were further together than usual and his lips pursed like an old woman's, his eyes hung tiredly and his mouth falling open as he took breath after the breath- his heart still pounding like he had run a mile.

Man after woman tried to block his way and ask him one thing or another but the freedom of the dream stuck in his mind. He was in no mind to work, his monotonous days broken by the fear of loneliness that cursed him.

The bathroom was empty and only now did Erwin see how far the sun was in the sky. His dream had finally let him sleep yet he felt more tired than ever. Mental exhaustion, as he had learnt so early on in his life, was so much worse than physical.

He showered with care, the barely lukewarm water trickling down his back uncaringly, the light spray doing nothing to clean the sins from his skin, much of it pooling in the light scarring of his back and neck. He ran a lazy hand through his hair, the barely wet strands falling messily over his forehead, tangling the usually impermeable neatness.

Today was not a day to show perfection. Maybe, just maybe, once in a while, he should show the soldiers that he is not a god as Eren had claimed. Maybe this one time it was time to show what he had suffered to take away their pity and their mourning. Each life was placed on his back and not there's and every curve of their spine was not due to guilt but due to age. His posture masked the weight, letting it trail behind him like a child clinging to his mother's skirt, like the crown on his head hid the pounding of his skull.

He led the soldiers into wars they never hoped to win and although it was not entirely his fault, who else was there to blame? It was him at the top of the food chain yet why did he feel like he was the one being eaten.

'Erwin!' His head turned to the source of the screech, the recognisable squeal of Hanji a comfort and a pain all at once. Only now did he realise he was not in the shower at all but dressed and groomed, like he'd always done on autopilot.

It seemed that today was not the day that he would show the man behind the mask.

But, then again, was that day ever going to come?

'What is it, Hanji?' He asked calmly, fixing his posture as he found himself slumped over like it was second nature. She observed him with scrutiny but did not comment, instead letting her smile slip into place. Erwin saw it now, the fakeness of it. The way it dipped into the pool of purple across her cheek, the myriad of colours ugly and distorted- the purples pooling into browns and blues with a yellow tinge around the edge, like an awful artist's paintings.

'And what happened to you?' He let himself exude formality but the rough edge to his voice was enough for her smile to fade.

'Don't worry about it, just a little incident. Anyway, now-'

'Hanji, tell me, if someone did this to you, I should know about it.'

'Really, it's fine.'

'Hanji.' He warned, his lips pursed and his thick eyebrows drawn together- the perfect imitation of Levi's scowl when he saw the group of new recruits, always sparse and arrogant.

'Levi.' She muttered and for a second he thought he had misheard.

'Who?'

'Levi, he hit me. I don't know why.' Her frown increased and her head bowed as her eyes ran along the cracks in the floor with fervour, refusing to meet Erwin's eyes.

'What did you do?'

'Nothing I don't usually do, I promise! He just seemed so mad and I don't know what happened. You're the only one who can do something so I thought I'd leave you to talk about it but it-'

'Stop, Hanji. I'll talk to him. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?' He deflected. He most certainly wasn't going to talk to Levi. He was no longer Levi's superior; he was the man Levi hated.

But, then again, this was a military matter- one that only he had the clearance to deal with.

He'd talk to Levi. As the Commander. It was the least he could do. For Hanji.

'I just had some reports. I think I might have found something on the Titans. Eren's tests have been gathering odd results and I think they might say something but I want you to look at them before I rush to conclusions.' Erwin nodded, taking the papers from her hands and leaving with a scowl.

He talked to as few soldiers as possible, his words clipped and uncaring and sent a message that Levi was to come to his office on an official matter. It seemed that people already knew the true reason for Erwin's orders but no one dare give their own account of the accident or the rumours that had been quick to circulate afterwards. Now, it was simply a wild-goose chase.

Levi, to Erwin's astonishment, was nowhere on site. Without permission, Levi could not leave and even unofficially, he would have to at least inform Erwin of his decision to go into the nearest town. Something was truly wrong if Levi was disobeying orders again. Even after what had happened, it was no excuse to fall back into old habits. Levi was his soldier and like every other soldier, he had to follow the rules.

When the bell rang and the soldiers flocked to the canteen for dinner, Levi had finally arrived, running into Erwin's office with a flurried stride. Not a single hair on his head was moved nor was there any physical signs of exertion bar the heavy rise and falls of his chest. 'You wanted to see me?' Levi's voice was airy but controlled, his head held high.

'Yes. And where have you been?'

'Out.'

'Without permission?'

'When was the last time I asked permission?'

'You should have at least told me. Or one of the soldiers.'

'I did. I told Eren.'

'Did you?'

'Yes, why?'

'He stated otherwise.' Erwin knew he had the upper hand as Levi hissed and muttered 'brat' under his breath. Erwin wasn't sure whether Eren had been too scared to tell or whether Levi had been lying outright but either way, it was important to figure out why Levi was being so secretive about his trips.

'So, where were you?'

'Out.'

'You said. Where?'

'It's none of your business, Erwin.' He spat, his grey eyes darting imperceptibly around the room, only marginally widened as he wracked his brain for ideas.

'I want to know, Levi. Last night, there have been multiple eyewitnesses, and a rather large bruise I have to add, that you attacked Hanji without reason or judgement and then, only a few hours later, you are reported missing from the barracks. What. Happened?'

'I can't tell you.'

'Why not?'

'Because I can't, Erwin? Can't you just fucking accept that?'

'No, Levi. This is out of order. What's so important that you cannot tell me? When did we become so distant?'

'Oh so you're fucking turning it on our relationship now, is that what this is? Is it an excuse for you to argue with me? To beg your way back? Guess what, I'm not going to fucking tell you and you're a bag of shit for making this about us. I'll apologise to Hanji, that was out of order but nothing else is your fucking business. If it makes you feel better, Commander,' he sneered 'I won't do it again.' Levi left, leaving a trail unsaid words in his wake.

Erwin's head dropped, his back slumped. Holding his head in his hands, he tried to wipe away the anger from his eyes but he was seeing red. His temper never got out of order but it was enough to eat him inside out, gnawing at him until he broke.

He had broken enough for one lifetime. There was no time to do it again. Love. Stupid, stupid, stupid love. And hadn't he always known that? But he had been so stupid as to fall into it and let it break him.

Look at him now. Was he any better for it?

Well, at the least, Hanji would garner an apology.

The day passed, workloads piling higher and higher until the paper stacks came in dozens. He signed signature after signature until his hand was too cramped to move and his eyes too blurred to read the small print.

Expedition costs piled higher than the work and the death tolls rose alongside it, a smug smile on Death's face as he watched the soldier's slip away before their hearts even stopped beating.

Erwin's heart no longer stopped when he saw the list of thousands that would die and the thousand more that were possible casualties. His lungs still pumped when he saw that less than half of them would return. His brain still functioned when he saw the recruit count for the upcoming year.

The Survey Corps was becoming more popular, Eren's new ability causing a blurrier division between the mad and the sane. Erwin didn't know whether to be grateful or to scream- run, run!

His heart sinks when Hanji enters, another pile in her hands. One look at him and she takes a pile off his hands, taking another for Mike. He doesn't thank her, the effort would be futile. They were soldiers; they did what they needed to survive. Mentally and physical.

By the time sleep poisoned him, the dreams were enough to keep his eyes wide open. The darkness taunted him and the light gave him little strength. By the time he had stretched his limbs and reached the office again, the papers doubled- and the deaths alongside it.

Death taunted him day and night. The darkness hid nothing and the light revealed too much. The shadows under his eyes began to match Levi's, the scrub on his face indefensible. Questions were asked and evaded, absconding rooms with ease was being habitual.

Day after day passed and the nights became no easier. Loneliness crept up on him like the sun peeking over the horizon. He woke up on his own, each morning another curse of monotony and fear. Loneliness' clutches were becoming inevitable. He goes to sleep on his own and wakes each day with his thoughts, laughter ringing like the bells from the crooked old church the soldiers prayed in- none of them believed in a deity anymore but maybe praying would be enough to rest their rapidly beating hearts.

Another day with his thoughts and he feels like he's breaking. He doesn't show it. He shaves, he borrows some of Petra's concealer- a fascinating white powder that does miracles- and hides the purple under his eyes. He even does his best to gel his hair into place, the reincarnation of exhausted perfection.

In the night he shivers and it takes him days longer to realise that Loneliness terrifies him. The abstract monster clawing at his feet, begging for entrance. Keeping him out is more effort than letting him in, in the end.

So, Erwin gives up. He lets him in and rejoices in the freedom. He gives up on caring, he gives up on the pity he feels when he sees the number on the page. He sells lives like livestock until the amount of Titan deaths is barely one percent of the human death's.

Somewhere in the second week, Hanji shouts at him but he barely hears, lost in long lost memories.

He doesn't think much about his mother anymore. His father, more so. His father's important, like a piece of gold in a pile of straw. But his mother, for all her beauty and grace, seems as insignificant as a single strand of straw that was blown away in the wind. But, when the days blur together and his mind does nothing but work, he thinks of her: her gentle smile and comforting hands.

She died when he was five. He still remembers what she last said: 'Now, don't talk to any strangers, Erwin. You don't know whose dangerous or not.' The town square still frightened him at that age, the hustle and bustle too loud on his small ears. So, he nodded, too entranced in his fear to notice that she had left him with a coin to buy a piece of fruit.

But, like all children, he got distracted on the way. He started talking to a man with his dog, staring down at the puppy with childish awe. He didn't notice his mother approach to chastise him, the dog had already run towards her, leaping on her and causing her to stumble back. Right in front of a carriage.

The horses alone were enough to knock her out but as the wheels rolled right over her, the man inside- kingly in status, in his purple robes and smug face- didn't even look down as he jolted over the woman's body.

Erwin didn't blame himself in any part of his mother's death but if that hadn't been enough for him, his father's death and left him with a lust for social justice.

But, he's learnt his lesson. Don't talk to strangers, it only leads to bad things.

So, when the soldiers knocked on his door, he told them to leave. It was hard to call them strangers, he knew all of their names after all. Call it paranoia, call it care, he knew them all. But, he could barely think of ten he had truly talked to. Less even. He was above them. Not in any way important, only in official status. They were scared of him- or awed by him. Either made him feel uncomfortable, enough to stamp a faux smile on his face and politely decline their efforts to get him to drink.

It was easier to keep up an image than have some fun nowadays.

The first day of the third week, he begins to sleep in his office, his face planted into the wooden desk until he can see a small, dark patch where he has sweat in the night. He covers it with paper, trying to hide his disgust. It still wasn't enough for him to leave and soon enough, he locked the door so Hanji could no longer barge in.

He didn't need to be perfect anymore. He hadn't eaten in days and his fingers were bruised from where they'd held the pen but he was doing fine. Yes, absolutely fine.

The expedition was to go ahead in two weeks time.

The dreams were enough to tell him that. They blended into one these days, days and nights were the same and the paper saw as much blood as the soldiers in his dream. But, in all of them, Levi was there, comforting him. And, at some point, Eren joined him too. They smiled and laughed with him until he woke up to the darkness of his office, Loneliness’ smiling face enough for him to scowl and press his pen harder onto the page.

They always died in his dreams and lived just the same. He saw them stained with blood then stained with white like his own mind was laughing at him, staring at him with cold, calculating eyes, a piercing blue- just like his.

Some days, he wondered whether he should see the military psychiatrist. They did have one of those, didn't they? Maybe not, he hadn't checked the records in months.

Probably another name on the list of the dead.

He didn't care enough to check.

On the third day of the third week, his door pounded. He ignored it and let the scrawl of his pen drown out the beat of the drum at his door. Until the door was broken down. He looked up, his greasy hair sticking to his forehead and his now, probably more than stubble, beard was scratchy on his cheeks. How had he not noticed this before?

'And what the fuck do you think you're doing?' Levi. Of course it was Levi.

'I don't know, Levi, what am I doing?' He retorted, his hand scribbling furiously on the parchment until his name was blurred out by the bouts of ink staining the page.

'You've been locked in here for days. We've got an expedition coming up and you've done nothing. We need the plans and quickly.' His speech was steady but Erwin could see the glint of panic dance in his grey eyes, the twitching of his fingers and the bouncing of his foot just waiting for Erwin to admit to his failures.

'I already have done. They're in the second cabinet on your left.' Levi scowled, leaning hesitantly on his tiptoes to reach into the cupboard and reveal the stacks and stacks of paper. His scowl deepened as he practically had to jump to get the papers at the back and Erwin wished even a wan smile would grace his lips but he saw nothing more than boredom in his black and white world now, humour a distant memory.

Levi, trying to retain his dignity, sat in front of Erwin's desk with a flourish, facing him like he had done that day all those weeks ago. Flipping through the light pages, he skim read- as best as he could- the pages that Erwin had written or signed about the upcoming expedition. Although Levi could read just fine, his upbringing in the Underground had made him a step behind the rest. He could understand their language just fine but the posh, upper-class language that was often put into some of the sponsors' letters blew him off. Erwin would even go as far as to say it made Levi insecure, although Levi would deny it fervently.

‘Erwin, you aren’t serious…’

‘About what?’

‘About these. What the fuck are you thinking?’ Levi’s eyes darted up, his whole face exploding in panic, his grey eyes imploding into a sea of shadows, his lips curling open to reveal the disgusted grimace of his teeth, his eyes crinkling until the wrinkled aged him another decade, even on a child’s face like his.

‘Is there something wrong with them?’

‘Something wrong?! These are fucking ludicrous! Have you even read these!?’

‘Yes. And signed them. And for good reason. It’s the best way to kill the most amount of Titans whilst-’

‘Whilst what? Killing everyone in the Survey Corps. I’ll be dead at the end of this! And you. And everyone you’ve ever cared about! But no, the Commander doesn’t fucking care about anyone, even himself. Kill us all, Erwin, just at least think about what you’ve done.’ Levi spat, throwing the papers on the table, leaving them strewn across the wood like a splattering of blood.

‘Levi, this is for-’

‘What? Humanity?’ He turned, the door in his grasp, open wide for everyone to hear. ‘Fuck you, Erwin Smith! Yes, FUCK. YOU.’ Erwin ignored the gasps and revelled in the shut of the door that hid him away from the rest of the nosey soldiers, burying himself back in his work, the words sinking in morbidly.

Another three days passed and Erwin didn’t even try and make a distinction between his sleepless nights and work-filled days. They were too close now to distinguish. He worked until the moon was high in the sky and the inky night was glimmering with crying stars and he slept until the moon smiled at him, waiting the last few hours before the sun blew him away.

Erwin didn’t care about night or die. He only cared about saving humanity. And to do that, Titans must die. All of them. Even with their enigmatic reproduction cycles, they can’t do it fast, they can kill them all before there can be anymore. Even if they all have to die.

Even if he has to lose Levi.

The sun shone onto his back until his skin sizzled and burned. He didn’t move, letting the punishing sun whip his back raw, his crippled hand making nonsense on the upper-class parchment. He fell back into his chair, his back hissing as it hit the cool surface and a grimace contorting his face into one of pain. He wrung his hands and slapped through his growing hair, then rubbed at his sleep-sore eyes, the deep blue now a washed out grey. He hadn’t dared look in a mirror, his own reflection was scarier than anything else he had encountered.

He wasn’t the same man anymore.

He was sick of breaking.

He was sick of being like this.

He wanted to be him again.

The three-am shadow he saw in the mirror cursed him.

Someone knocked on his door and he jumped, his crisp skin blistering and splitting until he saw a patch on his hand crack open and bleed. Somehow, he could believe that it had been four days and not two.

‘Who is it?’ He called out, his voice hoarse and broken.

‘Hanji. Open up, this is urgent.’ Erwin panicked as he heard her voice, rushing out of his seat despite the pain that coursed through his entire body, unlocking the door that’s key was now rusted permanently into its lock. Hanji slammed the door open, hitting Erwin’s shoulder, slamming behind her with the most unbelievable phrase he’d ever heard.

‘I’ve fought Titans, I’ve kept Titans. For Titan’s sake, I’ve watched some of my best friends be eaten. But this, Erwin, this is ridiculous. And, don’t count on me saying this ever again but you-’ She lifted a finger and pushed at his chest, sending him crashing down onto his desk, important papers fluttering to the ground like feathers. ‘You’re a fucking dick.’

‘What?’

‘I said I’m not going to say it again. Sit down.’ He didn’t move. ‘NOW!’ He flung himself into his chair.

Hanji sat, almost casually, in the chair that had been vacant since the day Levi had worn it like a throne, as he did with everything- King of the Underground, Humanity's Strongest. Almost deserving of a reward. Erwin was beginning if he could say that of himself. Of course not, he’d never been able to say it. Now was no different.

Flinging her feet onto the desk with a dark smile, she crossed her ankles and clutched her hands together. ‘Erwin, tell me, what are you planning for the upcoming expedition.’ Well that, that he could answer easily.

‘I’m planning to break the record for the furthest we’ve ever travelled out and cross the river. With that, I’m abandoning the long-distance attack formation as this will be the first time in just less than a decade that we’re going to go to kill the Titans. Whilst it’s a bad idea to do on a regular basis, I believe that with our new equipment and-’

‘You’re delusional.’ Erwin didn’t continue to do anything but gape at the woman in front of him, whose messy brown hair was now worn like a crown upon her head and her thinned, brown eyes those of a serpent of the further regions of Trost.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Tell me your arguments to implement the long-distance formation.’

‘Well, to save lives predominantly.’

‘What’s changed your mind?’

‘I-’ Erwin was never at a loss for words. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Exactly.’

‘What are you trying to prove, Hanji?’ Erwin wasn’t a fan of being bested.

Erwin wasn’t a fan of much at all.

Erwin was the curator of the dead.

What he did well at was secondary killing.

It was so much easier than killing them himself.

‘You need help.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Look at yourself.’

‘I don’t want to.’ Even he could hear the defensiveness in his voice.

‘I don’t care what you want, Erwin. You are the Commander of the Survey Corps, like it or not, you don’t get to do what you _want_ to do. That’s not how it works. If this job had finally broken you, retire. I’m sure I would do a much better job than you right now. You’ve turned into Shadis, willing to sacrifice soldiers for what? Nothing. Now get up, before I become you too.’ He complied, his head bowed until he was smaller than her, even with his shoulders at the level of her head.

She led with a grimace, dragging him from the office and through the halls, a laughing stock to his inferiors. Soldiers whispered wide-eyed as they saw his state, his greasy hair and large bags, his shirt stained yellow and crumpled. Erwin tried to stand tall but felt his shoulders fall under the weight each time, his head spinning as eyes darted away from his and backs turned to him like he was a disease trying to spread throughout the gossiping corridors of the Survey Corps.

'Where are we going?' He asked from behind Hanji, his eyes darting around the slowly unfamiliar corridors: a few unused service passages that only the newest soldiers had the misfortune of being forced through.

'You'll see.' She spat enigmatically, trailing a string of anger behind her, her grimace turning into a soft frown, her eyebrows still knitted together in thought as if she was trying to figure Erwin out.

She led him through corridor after corridor and he was beginning to be surprised at just how large the establishment was. He had seen the blueprints, sure, and he knew these corridors wrapped around themselves- specifically designed for an old, indoor training course- but he was becoming painfully aware of the ache in his feet and the weight of his shoulders dragging him towards the floor when Hanji finally took him to the final door and pushed it open with an irritated shrug.

'We're here.' She said no more, motioning for him to enter first. The room, at first look, was rather useless. A table, a few chairs, all covered in layers of years-old dust. But, upon closer inspection, he found that it wasn't so useless. In the bookcases lining the walls, book upon forbidden book resided on the ancient shelves like fugitives hiding in a cellar. He stared in awe at the titles his father had often talked about, a wave of memories hitting him until it was no longer his shoulders begging the floor to swallow him up.

His eyes darted to the middle of the room, where the unused chairs were skewed around the table, like the last group had left in a hurry. And there, like he always seemed to be, was Levi. His gaunt skin shone darkly in the sunlight, his grey eyes like the metal of a gun. On the opposite of the table, much to Erwin's surprise was Eren, his blazing eyes glimmering in the light pouring through the thin window at the top of the room, barred glass that looked into the forest. And last, Mike, his face as impassive as ever, his nose wrinkled at what Erwin hoped was the smell- musty and old. Of course, Erwin should have known by now that Mike did not use his nose to smell physical things anymore.

Hanji slammed the door behind them and took her seat at the head of the table, Mike and Levi on her right and Eren on her left. Erwin stared at the four of them with concerned fear, his heart beating a pace faster at the tapping of Eren's foot.

'What's going on?' Erwin asked, taking a seat at the empty end of the table, facing the future head of the Survey Corps head-on; he was proud of his decision to deem her his successor, she would do well.

'I think you know full well, Erwin.' Hanji stated, her usual crazed-smile replaced with a lawyer like nonchalance. 'The people in this room are the only people who have talked to you in the last month or so. And no, I'm not counting the soldiers you said hello to-'

'Hanji, why is that important? That is not unusual. The only unusual thing about this month is that you've taken me to this room and that, I mean no offence by this, I have talked to Eren too. I don't think that is so severe that I must be dragged from my work to a disgusting corner of the castle.'

'Look at yourself.' She scowled, her lips pursed in disgust. 'Can you hear yourself? Do you want to know who you sound like? Levi, for Maria's sake!' Levi didn't look at all perturbed at the veiled insult. 'Do you even care anymore or have you finally thrown yourself away. Erwin, you were chosen to be Commander because you cared not because you didn't. You did everything you could to save soldiers and still reach our goal. I want to know what happened. No lies. No denying that I'm right. No pretending that nothing's happened.'

Erwin gaped at her, his mouth shut but his eyes wide. He swallowed, his mouth as dry as the drought-ridden fields on the other side of the window. 'I don't know what you're trying to insinuate-'

'I said no denial!' She shouted, slamming her fists against the table, her face contorting in pent-up anger, weeks worth of it. Erwin flinched, placing his elbows on the table and clasping his hands, covering his mouth defensively.

'I'm not denyi-' He began but Levi's impassive voice cut through the noise like his sword, just as precise, just as well thought out. Levi's words were never thought out.

'I'm sorry.'

'What?'

'I'm sorry, Erwin. Okay?'

'Why are you apologising?'

'This is my fault.'

'What do you mean? What's your fault?' Erwin was truly taken aback, the blurry days suddenly overwhelming him, the past like another life now. Him and Levi, not even a memory, just a black space. But he knew it had happened, it just didn't register. Nothing seemed to register, nothing seemed to settle in. It was all spontaneous, all so sudden. Erwin only ever calculated his moved.

He was playing a chess game without even looking at the opponents' pieces.

'Why are you playing fucking dumb? Hanji's right. Don't deny the shit that happened.'

'I'm telling the truth I don't rememb-' It was Mike who finally spoke, his silently strong words thawing at Levi's like ice, slow and crippling, until they were entirely redundant.

'I think he's telling the truth. He can't remember.'

'Of course I can remember, I just don't know what you're talking about.'

Hanji cut in, her usual smile creeping over her face until her teeth beamed like the Cheshire Cats'. 'Because you've chosen to forget. This is why this is all happening. You're trying to forget. And in doing so you've forgotten your humanity!' She cheered, standing with a fist in the air.

'Forgotten my humanity, what on earth are you talking about?' Erwin blinked, staring at the room of unimpressed faces.

'Have you read the predicted death count?' Eren whispered, staring down at his hands with a frown, his anger buzzing through his veins, urging him to bite his thumb- his anger at his lack of control only pushing him further. But, it would do no good, would it?

'Of course and I know it's bad but it's for-'

'For what?' Eren spat, his green eyes blazing red. 'So all of my friends can die? My squad is on the outside, we're as good as livestock. And Levi, he's with you at the front, right? You'll both die. Mike, he's playing messenger, he'll die on the path. Hanji will be the only one to survive just so she can make a few notes. Her scientific work is important but not important enough for us to die.' Eren deflated, staring back down at his scarred thumb with helplessness. 'I don't want any of us to die unless we have to. I've seen enough pointless death already.' It was times like these that Erwin remembered Eren was so young: helpless, selfless and irrevocably strong.

'It's not pointless. This is the next step to freeing humanity.' Erwin reasoned, his words sincere but his eyes shaded over with tainted grey.

'Yes, it is!' Eren's temper flared as he stood up and kicked the chair from underneath himself, his whole body flaring up in his rage. 'Our deaths cannot be pointless. I don't know why I'm here. I'm just a soldier. But, maybe that's what you need. Are you forgetting how many of us have friends and family? Are you forgetting that we die because we trust you? If you stop caring then what was our trust for? What were our deaths for?'

'Eren, I'm sorry-'

'That's enough!' Levi boomed over the top of him, no anger, just the usual irritation. Levi was a master at oppressiveness, even shouting, he didn't make people fear him because he was loud but because his voice hinted at far worse consequences than him. And, just like that, the room froze.

Mike, even with less than a sentence said, was paralysed in his chair and Hanji's crazed smile froze conspicuously into place until it was so forced she looked truly deranged. Eren's body went slack, his eyes falling to the floor but his feet planted on the floor whilst Levi stood, slowly, his movements languid and controlled.

'Erwin, I need to speak to you alone.' Erwin nodded, ignoring Hanji's burst of inquest, following Levi into the opposite room, a room barely a cupboard filled with old, empty boxes. 'What do you think you're doing?'

'Levi, not this again-'

'Yes this again. They're right. I've seen so many deaths but it was never for nothing, I've learnt that. But this. This is ridiculous. Pointless deaths by the thousands; you're taking the entire Survey Corps! But I don't even care about that. I want to know what the hell is going on. Was it me? Was it something else? You don't break, Erwin. But you did now.'

Erwin sighed, scraping his fingers through his hair, finally feeling the itching disgust of his oily hands. Looking down at Levi, he almost couldn't help himself, the words wanted to tumble out of his mouth. But his walls were built too high by now, it took a bulldozer to break them down.

'It's nothing.'

'IT'S NOT FUCKING NOTHING, ERWIN, TELL ME OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU INSTEAD.' For the first time, Erwin heard him share. And, like a click of the fingers, he broke and the walls crumbled. He could hear the murmurings of those in the opposite room; he could hear the panting of Levi's ragged breath; he could hear the panic that had pushed Levi this far.

They were all crumbling. They just needed to catch each other.

Erwin's legs folded over, his back sliding down the wall until he was sat on the floor, his head lolling back onto the ice-cold, stone wall, the layers of dust sending him into a coughing fit.

He stared at his feet, his arms looped gently around his slightly bent legs, curling inwards until they were drawn gently towards his stomach. Just like he was a child again. Just like when his mother warned him to stay away from strangers: just like when he learnt not to have true interactions at all.

Friendships, love, loyalty. It only ended in pain. Or death. Or both. Erwin lived in a place that was irrevocably death-ridden, the Grim Reaper's carriage following his tail, the carriage driver's whip hitting his back.

'I'm sorry.' He whispered, his voice hoarse and broken. He looked up and saw his nightmare. Levi looked just like he did in the Underground: untamed, mad. He was the man before Erwin. A better man, a stronger man. A more dangerous man.

Or rather a boy. Barely twenty. Over a decade ago now.

'I know you are. Explain.' Levi's words were laced with gentleness but his lack of etiquette was forced out in stilted speech and unsoftened words. But, what he lacked in words he made up for in actions. He sat beside Erwin, their arms forced together by the tight space, his head hardly far from his shoulder, leaning gently into him.

'I don't know what's happening.' He whispered. He'd lost the will to hide anymore. He'd lost the will to hide at all. The walls had broken, the facade crushed beneath it. Everything he'd worked towards, gone in a second.

'Talk.'

'I just...I don't blame you.'

'I know you don't.'

'I wasn't supposed to love. This isn't what was supposed to happen.'

'But you let it.'

'And then I lost it. And...and I've never had to do that before.'

'You send people to die. Is that not the same?'

'I never have to see them afterwards.' Erwin admitted, his guilt piling larger on his straining back. This wasn't any better; this was just revealing the things he had hidden away. This was ridding himself of his support.

In his panic, he began to stand, trying to brush it all off, put his facade back into place. It had all fallen down but he was a master at rebuilding it. 'No.' The single word sent him tumbling back down. 'You're not leaving, not this time.'

'I can't do this.'

'Yes, you can.'

'You don't understand, I can't.'

'I don't care. Speak.' The abruptness was like a light switch. Erwin straightened up, ridding himself of self-pity and the burdens forming on his back. All smashed up on the floor.

'I told you I can't.' He whispered, staring at the shattered remains on the floor, his brain scrambling to pick up the pieces. Because for the first time in a long time he felt...peaceful.

'You already have.'

'What?'

'That look in your eyes. It's gone.'

'What look?' Erwin frowned, a mild smirk turning his lips- something about this was entirely comical.

'The one that says you blame yourself for everything.' They paused, Erwin's mind wracking for what to say whilst Levi enjoyed the peace. Levi had learnt that to hide emotions was the worst cause of action years ago. He didn't show them but he used them, acted upon them. Used them to better himself. Control himself.

He lost control. Everyone did. And he accepted that. Because if he told himself that it was wrong, it would only happen again. It would only get hidden away just to happen again. He had to face it and channel it. Kill a Titan, debate a strategy, read a fucking book: anything.

'How did you know?'

'Everyone does.'

'Really?' Erwin reeled back, panic flashing in his eyes.

'Don't worry. Its what all soldiers have. They've all seen friends die and they've all blamed themselves. It's human nature.'

'Never heard you more eloquent.' Erwin chuckled.

'Oh fuck off.' Levi smiled, feeling like he was just twenty again, his own self-guilt pushing him towards Erwin. They began their relationship messy, sloppy and manipulative. Then they ended it. Just like they should have done.

Then the next year, they broke again. Secret kisses, rendezvous in the cleaning cupboards (much to Levi's frustration) and clandestine stares in the lunch hall. 'But I'm sorry anyway.' Levi continued, feeling the words flow out without his own permission. The one thing he didn't want to say, spoken so naturally.

'Oh Maria, we're both idiots.' Erwin sighed, looking up at the ceiling. 'Why do we always come back to each other like this?'

'What, in a cupboard?' Levi teased.

'That was one time! I was lonely.' Erwin admitted, shame staining his face red.

'Why is it that without each other we're lonely and with each other, we're so bloody angry.'

'I wish I knew. The curse of being what we are.'

'And what's that?'

'Two men in love and both the leaders of the most sacrificial branch of the military. One, seemingly stoic and the strongest soldier that anyone has ever encountered. The other, a man who's hiding behind the facade of control to pretend that the deaths he procures are not resting on his own back.'

'There's the look in your eye.'

'Well, it's part of a soldier's uniform, is it not?'

'Sure is.'

'But you don't have to apologise.' Erwin added abruptly. 'This is on both of us. We try again, we'll fail again. We don't try, we'll both remain like this. We're not ourselves when we're apart.'

'What if we're not ourselves when we're together?'

'Then I think I may truly hate myself.' Erwin stated sincerely, his lips pursed in disgust, his fingers clenched so hard into a fist that his knuckles turn white and his calloused hands bled red.

'Agreed.' Levi sighed, unrolling Erwin's left hand and placing it into his.

'I love you.' Erwin whispered, not caring if Levi ran away, not caring if this was too soon. It was true. His walls were already down, another shot wasn't going to do any more damage.

'Me too.' Erwin found himself fidgeting as he waited for Levi to continue, his mouth mouthing agonisingly silent words. 'I don't blame myself. But I'm still sorry.’'You needn't be-'

'But I am. Don't argue. I was a fucking idiot-'

'You're not-'

'Let me finish. If I don't say it now, I never will. I got the good side of this shit. I left all the shit on you to deal with. I left you with some insults, not a proper explanation. We didn't talk. We didn't fucking talk. The change fucking ruined you and now look at the shit storm that came about because of that. People are going to die because we're fucking idiots. We're playing like gods.' Levi paused, his own disgust staining his words.

'I'm actually so fucking sorry. We've fucked this up so bad. I know what you're feeling, though. I've been going through shit too but that's my fault, isn't it? I'll take responsibility for what I caused just as you should too. We'll hold up just fine, like we always do. But I'm sorry that I got the good side of this, even if that was pretty fucking shit.' Erwin was about to return with his own clever words but was interrupted by Levi's never-ending string of words, more sophisticated and more intelligent than anything either of them had ever bothered to say to each other.

Maybe that's all this took. Just a little bit of fucking effort on either of their parts.

'Maria, I've wanted to say this for so long. But I'm not exactly good at talking feelings, am I? Neither of us are. I deserve a bloody drink for this. I didn't say anything before because it wouldn't be fair, it still isn't. You don't need to say anything because Maria knows I will never say any of this ever again. As you said, we're not ourselves so maybe you can allow me this stupid speech.' He cleared his throat, diverting back onto his intended path.

'I'm not lying when I say all of this. I care about you. I- I love you,' he choked out, as if the words hurt him. 'But I also found another pair of arms whilst you were gone.'

'Eren.'

'Yeah.' He nodded stiffly, looking up at Erwin to see the inevitable pain only to see an easy smile on his face. 'And I know that looks bad. But I also wasn't lying when I said we hadn't been together properly for months. And I want to change that. But-' he paused, taking a deep breath. 'I'm not ending what I have with Eren either. Are you okay with that?'

'Anything for this.' Erwin replied instantaneously, much to both their surprise.

'Are you sure?'

'Yes. I can't send people to their death because I'm fucking lonely. Fixing my stupidity doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what you've made in my absence.'

'Thanks.'

'Nothing to thank.'

'You've fucking given up so much for me. You're morals, your love, your happiness. All of it. All of the fucking things you need to stay sane.'

'Every time this happens I seem to remember why I gave it up at all.'

'This?'

'A cupboard.' Erwin smirked, a small chuckle infusing his words with a much-needed lightness.

'You're fucking insatiable.'

'I never insinuated anything of the such.' Erwin chuckled whilst Levi scowled, both their faces alight with happiness, Levi's frown turning into an ecstatically straight line. Erwin turned, looking down at Levi, his thick eyebrows raising in surprise as he saw Levi outright staring at him, wide-eyed and innocent. Erwin softened, the whole ordeal sinking in.

'Thank you for opening up.' Erwin said, realising the monstrosity of effort that Levi must have had to even get a sentence of that out. Levi nodded, no words left to spill, his lips now muted shut. 'I needed that. I want to assume that you did too.' Their eyes met, the tension palpable but neither moved. It was almost too special. Sitting back in a cupboard for what seemed like the umpteenth time, their eyes locked and the small room crushing them together.

Their lips locked without warning and without rush or hesitancy. Gentle, soft and over to soon but with the importance of a thousand lives. It was to save a thousand lives. More than. 'We're like teenagers.' Erwin breathed, a weak smile fixing the sadness on his face. Levi stared back up at him, his nonchalance comforting in the emotionally perturbed room.

'Definitely.'

'I don't want to go back in there.' Erwin motioned to the door with his head, his shoulders sinking downwards.

'They've heard enough to know what's going on. Just hope that Hanji doesn't get too overexcited.' Levi sulked, finally letting his head rest against Erwin's shoulder with a heavy sigh.

'We probably should have told them both about us a little earlier.'

'Well, Mike knows.'

'What?'

'I don't actually know but Mike knows everything, it's fucking creepy.'

'I have to agree. But we both know Hanji's going to start screaming when we walk in.'

'Ugh, why doesn't she understand fucking personal space?'

'Why don't you understand that swearing is rude?'

'That's different. I was raised that way.'

'And so was she.' Erwin reminded and Levi nodded solemnly, sighing as he bustled closer into the crook of Erwin's armpit, his nose turned away- he'd rather not smell the days worth of not showering. Levi still hadn't quite gotten used to the dingy smell. First thing, well after saving thousands of lives that is, was to get Erwin to a shower.

'Still hate it.'

'It doesn't exactly make me comfortable either.'

'But you've managed to make an 'I'm not affected' mask.'

'Which seems to make her want to continue. Anyway, enough about Hanji's personality. We should go back in. A have a horrific situation to solve. And quickly.'

'Wait.' Levi said as Erwin approached the door, Levi still seated on the ground. 'I want to talk to Eren when you go back on. You deal with Hanji with you're 'not affected face' and I'll tell Eren everything. If that's okay with you?'

'Of course. If you two are working on creating something then you have to be open.'

'So will we.'

'We'll try our best.' Erwin nodded and walked confidently back into the other room, telling Eren to go see Levi whilst he took the brunt of Hanji's barraging hug, watching carefully for Mike's scrutinising eyes.

'My Maria, I knew it! You and Levi just had that chemistry! I mean I saw it in him and Eren too, and you and Eren, hence why I brought him. There's just so much tension and I don't believe I was right and what happened? We heard Levi shout but then everything went quiet and we were all silent, trying to figure out what was going on and then you came in and I saw your hair and I was just like, you totally kissed and then I was thinking about how I had seen you like this before and I was just like by Maria you had been together this entire time-'

'Hanji, stop.' Erwin cut off with a sigh. 'We've got a mess to sort out so whilst Eren isn't here, why don't we discuss his place in this mission. We're going to have to work from scratch. This is going to be a long night.'

-

The horses' hooves pounded the battered earth, tossing up mud and blood, combined to make a thick red splattering on their white trousers. Their green capes, flying heroically behind their struggling bodies, were sacrilegiously tainted, the red splattering a sign of disloyalty as those who lived fled for their lives.

It was all going wrong.

All of it.

So, so wrong.

Unplanned. He was so stupid not to call it off. But where would that have left him? Without an army to lead at all. The men whose sheets he had signed were willing to kill them, wanted to kill them and now they had succeeded.

The numbers of toy soldiers had been lowered, those who came did so willingly, far too many brave soldiers sacrificing their lives for the survival of the Survey Corps. And the worst bit, not a single person blamed him. Forever loyal until the end.

'Left!' Erwin's voice boomed, one member of his group quickly filling a round and shooting a green flare to their left, the hoard of Titans approaching from the right. They were never going to outrun them but, for now, they could run as fast as they could. A game of cat and mouse with as little casualties as possible.

Just little toy soldiers being flicked over one by one, dying for nothing but the humour of the beings over ten times their size.

Step by step, their hearts beating to an equal rhythm, they pounded through the mud, the rain splattering lightly across the barren fields. And they fell down, one by one. All of them.

When they returned, each one of them came piece by piece. Mentally or physically torn apart limb from limb. Six of the ten teams were dead, hundreds gone. But, the streets cheered as the news spread that they had accomplished in killing the most Titans on record.

Erwin didn't feel all that joyous.

Hundreds of lives on him. Because of his fucking stupidity. He wanted to shout at the skies, scream at them, beg Fate to forgive him. Forgive him for the delusions of loneliness. Because now he realised, in the emptiness of his room, that it wasn't Levi's parting words that broke him in the end. It was the months before. Those months were they were together but never in truth, just a false pretence between them to pretend they weren't lonely men trying to rule the nine hundred soldiers so much less lonely than them.

This, this was his breaking point because he had been lonely for months not weeks. Maybe years. Who knew what the truth was anymore; who knew what he had tricked himself into believing.

They hadn't won, they hadn't won the battle for humanity. But rather, they had chinked another bit of their armour. And by the next time they went out, it will have been repaired. But for toy soldiers, the battle never finishes. The battles just keep on going and going, always with the same outcome.

Death's carriage is coming to collect them all.

Erwin's sweaty palms eased him down onto the bed, the creaky frame struggling under his weight. It wasn't made for a man of his height nor his weight; it was barely a mere child's bed. But, it fit its purpose. And, for what it was worth, saved them a fair amount of money.

He rested his head against the wall, letting the cold stone alleviate the heat of his head. His mind tossed and spun like an insomniac until it was flaring with fire, burning with the desire to burn away the memories of blood and filth that already seemed longer than just a few hours ago.

A five-day expedition causing the most deaths and the most kills on the record. So what would he become in the history books? God or the devil?

He sucked in a breath, the ragged trembling a warning sign of what was to come. He sucked it in, pretending it wasn't there at all. He was the soldiers that never blew his composure, that kept the facade in place. Even with the weight of the world on his shoulders, he would keep up the facade, he would show the soldiers what they were supposed to act like.

Or rather, how they would ruin themselves.

Never aspire to be perfect because those who are perfect have sacrificed far more than what it's worth.

Erwin hated himself. He could admit that with ease now. In fact, it changed very little. The admission was nothing more than another fact. He hated himself. Yes, that much was true. But not everyone hated him, he would have to admit that one day. He would have to believe that. This tiny flame that had returned with Levi gave him hope but his fingers were still prepared to smother it, willing to burn for the sake of destroying it.

He was prepared for all outcomes.

Except for this time. Because he was the Commander that never sent his soldiers into pointless battles. Each expedition had a cause, a worth, to make sure that all the soldiers died for something. He was supposed to set an example and be a leader but all he'd done was break all his promises and watch half the army die for nothing.

Nothing but his own selfishness.

They all relied on him. Erwin knew that. They were too scared to speak to him, the irony, but he was their crutch. No matter how broken. So now, with the entire Corps in mourning, he was supposed to be there to give his words of hope. He'd tried to write some on paper but the lack of sincerity was evident before he'd even said it aloud.

He wanted to dance on a table, singing that it was his fault. That they should blame him. Only his pride kept him intact now. Even with this battle won, even with so many Titans slaughtered (he must thank Levi for a lot of that), he knew he'd lost it. The soldiers were not worth the Titans.

He really was becoming Shadis. They weren't advancing, they were retreating, falling back into their old ways. It was disgusting. He'd spent so much energy trying to fix it, he'd had three days and nights to fix his entire mess. Why hadn't they stopped him sooner? No, he couldn't blame them. It was him. All him.

He hated how he had to remind himself of that.

It was never his aim to send to many to be murdered. That wasn't what he wanted. Yet, it had happened anyway. Nothing to do about that now. Why would he want to destroy what he'd built anyway? Why would he want to kill the only people with the ability to quell his loneliness? His intentions were good, he could promise that.

He never wanted to kill them.

Maybe he should say that.

No, it was too late now.

Step by step, they had trudged back, torn apart limb from limb. All that and the battle still raged on.

The knock on the door threw him from his stupor, the door opening before he could even answer. 'Eren?' Erwin asked in surprise as the green-eyed boy walked into the foreign room with a smile on his face.

'Hey, Commander. Or, Erwin. Can I call you Erwin now?' Eren fidgeted his eyes darting around the room as he wrung his fingers out.

'Of course, Eren.' Erwin chuckled, his body loosening until it fell against the wall. Glad of the support, he pushed himself further onto the bed until he was upright against the wall, scanning Eren's fidgety features for any sign of motive as to why he'd come to Erwin's rooms after sunset. 'Is there a reason you came?'

'Um, well, yes, there is...but I can come back at a different time if you'd like! I know this is a bad time. I was going to try to talk to you at the mourning service but you weren't there so then I was like-'

'Eren, calm down. What did you want to talk about?'

'Well, can I sit down? I mean, of course I can. Right?'

'I mean, calm down. You're not going to be able to say anything if you're this nervous. I promise nothing bad will happen. I've already handled my fair share of bad news today.' Erwin sighed, following the trail of anxiety Eren left behind as he pulled out a wooden chair from the corner of the room and pulled it to opposite where Erwin sat.

'I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I- I wanted to talk about Levi.'

'What about him?' Erwin was truly curious as to what Levi had told Eren. What he had and hadn't said. Everything or nothing? How close were they?

'Well, I know you two have...something going on. And...so do Levi and I. I just wondered whether you're actually okay with that? I mean, you and Levi are like in a decade old relationship I don't want to get in the way. If you want me to get out the way then-'

'Calm. Down. You don't need to be nervous. Levi and I talked and it's fine. You and him, it's definitely fine. You make him happy, you know that?'

'Really?' Eren perked up, his eyes glistening like a dog who had been offered a treat. Erwin revelled in the innocence of it; Eren had been through so much, he was glad to see that he hadn't been entirely stripped of childhood.

'Yes, you really do. Levi and I are, well, contrasting. We fight, often. Or, we don't talk at all. You two, there's something kinder. He needs kinder.'

'You make it sound like you're a bad influence.'

'I may be.'

'But you're the Commander. The symbol of perfection. Even if we've already said that I don't believe in all that, I don't believe you can be a bad influence.'

'What do I do for a living?'

'Um, you organise expeditions?'

'I'm the one that decides who lives and who dies. There are only so many factors I can control but my estimations are often correct. It's up to me. There's a reason people call me the devil.'

'They do?' Erwin nodded solemnly, looking up at Eren through glazed eyes.

'I love Levi and I think you do too. Without him, I- well, you saw what happened today.' Erwin had never known himself to be so terrible with words, stumbling and choking on easy sentences. He hadn't thought this through at all, had he? He was beginning to realise that there was a possibility he would regret this later. 'So we're staying together. But we're not good for each other. I think you may help.' Erwin admitted truthfully, smiling gently at Eren.

'Wow, I always thought both of you were in such control.' Eren whispered, laughing at his own confusion.

'We're all human.' Erwin stated. Eren stood, shaky on his own legs and approached the bed timidly, taking a seat next to Erwin.

'You shouldn't be so down on yourself.'

'You saw what happened today.'

'You tried so hard to fix that. It's not your fault. You did your best.'

'And it wasn't enough.' Eren waited for Erwin to continue but upon the silence, leaned up, placing a caring hand on Erwin's shoulder, his eyes darting imperceptibly to his lips and back up to his eyes again.

'What's done is done. Holding the guilt on your shoulders will only make you make a mistake again. Moving on will save lives. Don't ignore it, deal with it.'

'Of the three of us, I'm the oldest yet I feel the least wise. How come you know so much about emotions.'

'You've seen me angry, I know nothing about emotions. I've just had enough lectures about them.' Eren smirked, leaning forward, pressing his lips against Erwin's fiercely.

As fast as they had touched, Eren pulled away, his eyes wide in panic. 'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to take it so far-'

'Eren, it's fine.' Erwin stated with a smile, fixing a lost strand of hair back into place. 'Probably best not to tell Levi, though. Never had to find out whether he was the jealous type or not.'

'What do you think happens if he knows about this? Is that like a love-triangle were we all like each other?' Eren laughed, his youthful face lighting up like fireworks at the last King's coronation.

'Who knows. Depends where this all goes. Maria only knows what's going to happen. All I've managed to do is screw up ten-fold.'

'Don't blame yourself.'

'It's hard not to.'

'Then try. That's all I ask, try.' Eren pleaded, cuddling up into Erwin's side, resting his head timidly on Erwin's right shoulder, exactly opposite where Levi had placed himself only a week ago.

'I'll try. I promise.'


	9. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love and War ~ Fleurie  
> Monster ~ Imagine Dragons  
> Monster ~ Colours

The last expedition had left a stench of grief in the air. Levi, for all his strength, was weighed down by the sullen shoulders and Erwin’s ever-present guilt. Eren, usually so bright and happy, had fallen into a miserable self-reflection that looked so ill-fitting on such an irascible teenager.

The three of them, silent and brooding, sat in Erwin’s office, looking at the papers in front of them. ‘The soldiers aren’t ready to fight, not this soon.’ Erwin complained, his eyebrows furrowed as he read the decree again.

‘It’s the king's orders. We either have another expedition or the Survey Corps will be dissolved. That should be enough motivation.’ Levi spat, his pity only stretching so far.

‘I agree with Levi. The soldiers will fight if it means that the Survey Corps will survive. After all, they just saw a lot of death, that will spur them on to fight.’

‘I know that that drives you forward, Eren, but I cannot go into this without knowing that it is the same for all the soldiers.’ Erwin claimed, the probabilities flickering through his head- they had no good options left.

‘Revenge is the strongest motivator.’ Eren urged, leaning forward, his hands clasped in his lap, looking like he was physically trying to suppress another tantrum.

‘Look, kid, I know you’ve been thinking about this and that’s great and all but this is up to Erwin. He’s the Commander.’ Levi cut in before an argument could start. Despite Levi’s temper, he was a good mediator. He had experience in both fields, the revenge-stricken soldier and the leader, if anyone could control the situation, it was him.

Eren sulked and fell back into his chair, arms crossed and a scowl etched onto his face, not meeting either of his superior’s eyes. ‘I’m not devaluing your ideas, Eren. You bring up a good point but we cannot work on such shaky probabilities. If there’s a way to prove it then we can move forward but-‘ Before Erwin could finish, Eren had stood, his eyes glistening and the frown falling from his face like water.

‘You need proof? I’ll get it.’ Eren smirked and fled the room, racing with that unmovable smile.

Left alone in the office, Erwin finally let his mask fall and looked up at Levi sullenly. ‘Eren’s optimism is surprising.’

‘It’s not, the kid’s fucking full of it, he just doesn’t often have the chance to show it- it’s like the world wants to prove him wrong.’

‘What do you think he’s doing.’

‘Rallying the troops, I assume. I’m not sure how well it will work. It’s a fifty-fifty split between soldiers who love him or fucking hate him. And, now that he’s working with us, those in favour of him are becoming fewer and fewer.

‘We need the soldiers to believe in him…’

‘We’re not kicking him out if that’s what you’re suggesting. He’s here to stay, that’s the deal.’

‘I agreed to let you two be together, not for him to work with us.’

‘You seemed perfectly fine with it a minute ago.’

‘I am fine with it.’

‘Then what’s the fucking problem?’

‘I don’t want to ruin his reputation because of us, it’s unfair to him. Not just because he’s now our only hope of winning this war and a symbol of freedom to the people. He’s someone who loves being surrounded by people and despises those who hate him.’

‘You might be right but he’s still staying.’

‘Any reason why?’

‘Because he’ll throw a fucking tantrum if we throw him out.’ Erwin chuckled lowly at Levi’s honesty.

‘I suppose you’re right.’ Erwin’s eyes darted back to the page and his smile fell as quick as it came, his eyes scanning it once more but the words were simple, there was no avoiding the truth. They’d had their time to recuperate after the massacre- one that they’d never recover from, mentally or physically- and now it was time to leave.

The clouds of depression hung low, leaving the truth on show. Erwin’s mind started to drift as Levi began to dust lazily at the desk with his hand, grimacing at the thick layer of white. He stared at Levi, his heart still beating wildly in both fear and anticipation of the future.

Erwin wasn't a man who relied on romance but he did rely on Levi. Not just as a lover but as a friend, a soldier, an enemy even. Levi had once tried to kill him by a plot of Erwin’s own devices. And then, once that had finished, they’d become friends and Levi had become his confidant, his advice blunt but helpful. From there, they’d grown into lovers, irrationally and stupidly but fallen so far that there was no point in looking back at the past.

And then that had broken and they’d fallen back into the role of enemies. How complicated love was. How complicated war made it. Erwin should have known: nothing’s fair in love and war.

‘I think we should leave this for now. We’re not getting anywhere.’ Levi nodded his head in agreement and followed Erwin to the small sofa in the corner of the room, a plush velvet- a contrast to the red of the dreary furniture, even the rich mahogany desk. Erwin fell down with a humph, Levi following shortly thereafter, with much more grace, ever feline in his movements.

They didn’t hesitate in holding each other close, Levi buried in the crook of Erwin’s arm, his ear only an inch away from the pounding of his heart. Erwin spread his arm across the backrest of the sofa, the other on the armrest, his posture open and relaxed, an uncommon sight.

‘If feels like aeons since the last expedition yet too short a time away to have another one.’ Erwin contemplated, his arms lazily examining the ceiling, following the lines from where the water had leaked through the wooden slats of the roof.

‘I get it but it’s not our decision.’

‘There’s still a choice to make.’

‘We’re not letting the Survey Corps go, Erwin, that’s worse than mindless fucking slaughter. We’re the only thing stopping the Titans from killing everything.’

‘But we’re not getting anywhere, it’s infuriating.’

‘Since when did you lose hope? You’re as much of an optimist as Eren.’

‘No, I’m a realist with hope.’

‘An optimist.’ Erwin just sighed and shook his head with a gentle laugh, bringing his arm from the backrest and wrapping it around Levi’s shoulders, an odd sense of deja vu flooding through him, memories of times long past suddenly present again.

‘I should get going.’ Erwin said suddenly, breaking the kind quiet. ‘Hanji wanted to show me something. I’m not sure if it’ll be of any use but it’s worth a look.’

‘See, you’re a fucking optimist.’ Erwin just smiled and left, shutting the door quietly behind him, letting Levi lose himself to the silence, burying himself into the plush cushions that were usually unique to the King’s and his favourite men’s palaces.

‘Fuck this.’ He suddenly spat out, the sofa far too foreign a feeling to him, absconding the room with unbound tension. He would clean, yes, clean. That always calmed him down.

-

Erwin wished he’d never come. Hanji, as maniac as usual, was showing him gadget after gadget, a gleeful smile on her face, even if it was shrouded in the mourning that was weighing down on all of them.

To him, they all seemed rather useless against the Titans, albeit that they seemed brilliant weapons against humans. But, Erwin was fighting humans. Not yet, at least.

‘Hanji, will any of this be of any use in the upcoming expedition.’

‘Well, of course! Sort of. It depends whether we have another year on our hands?’ She admitted with a hopeful glint in her eye. Erwin smiled, feeling slight contempt for the upbeat scientist. If they were going to recover from last time, new weaponry would bring up morale, as long as it didn’t require extra training.

‘I’m afraid not. I’ll leave you to see if you can make any of it useful within the upcoming fortnight or so.’

‘Wait!’ Hanji suddenly shouted once he was at the door. ‘I wanted to ask you something.’ Erwin turned reluctantly, recognising the mischief in her tone.

‘What is it?’ He sighed, the inevitable a question he was not in the mood to answer.

‘So, you and Levi?’

‘How long have you been waiting to ask that?’

‘A while.’

‘Nothing's changed.’

‘Oh, I know.’ She leant in, covering her mouth like a child playing Chinese whispers. ‘But I want to know how it’s always been.’

‘It’s not important.’

‘But it is! I wanna know, Erwin, _ple~ase.’_

 _‘_ It isn’t, Hanji. We’re at war. Romance isn’t something that occurs in times of war.’

‘But you’ve already proven that wrong. Come on, just tell me something. Any little ounce of information! Come on, I’m desperate!’

‘Levi and I are together, have been for a while. That’s all. It isn’t important.’

‘Stop saying that! It so is!’ She dropped her smile, her face masked with sudden gravitas. ‘We’re at war, yes, but that doesn’t mean you can put your own life aside.’

‘It does. I’m the Commander, I rule over others lives at the sacrifice of my own.’

Hanji, a constant stubborn presence, would not give in. ‘No, you are our leader, an example. If you sacrifice your happiness, so will we. None of us deserve that.’

‘You sound like Eren.’

‘Eren?’ Hanji furrowed her eyebrows suspiciously, Eren had certainly had no place in Erwin’s past. He was only a boy, what had changed. Then again, Eren and Levi were, what could you call it? _Something._ Why wouldn’t Erwin and Eren talk? Yet, Hanji could not accept such a simple solution. Erwin was stoic yet charming but had a severe lack of any true relationship, anything that made him vulnerable, he would only talk to Eren out of courtesy not like a friend, if that was even what Erwin was insinuating.

‘Yes, Eren and I had a talk about my example on the soldiers.’

‘Formally.’

Erwin paused, ‘of course.’ Hanji saw through him like he was transparent, the words tumbling off her lips before she could even register them. ‘You’re lying.’

‘I don’t lie, Hanji.’

‘What!?’ She replied incredulously. ‘You’re the master of lies, Erwin Smith.’

‘Are you accusing me of being dishonest?’ He returned, his face raising in challenge.

‘No but you are a twister of the truth. I’m not trying to insult you; I’m stating the truth. You have to, it comes with the position of Commander.’

‘You’re intent on pushing boundaries today, aren’t you?’

Hanji smiles mischievously, leaning on her wooden workbench, her elbow almost knocking over the model for the new manoeuvre gear. ‘I’m in a good mood.’

Erwin sighed, looking at her features with distinct discomfort. ‘Eren and I talked in private.’ Erwin admitted as Hanji’s stare bore through his chest. ‘He and Levi are close and I don’t want Eren coming between us, he and I have been talking.’

‘You really care for them both, don’t you?’

‘I care for all the soldiers, that’s my duty.’

‘Yes, yes,’ she waved her hand dismissively, ‘but this is different. You care for them both, as friends.’

‘Eren and I are hardly friends.’

‘It doesn’t sound like it. I think you deny far too many people the favour of your friendship.’

‘I wouldn’t call it much of a favour.’

‘Enough of this! I need to get back to work if I’m going to get this done and yes, I do work- I don’t only talk, no matter what Levi says!’ Erwin chuckled at her antics and nodded a goodbye before leaving to collect his thoughts.

Walking down the corridor, it was as if it all set it in. He was trapped in a single place, chained to either side of the same room, slowly being pulled apart. One side was the man he’d always cared for and one was a boy that was far too young and far too passionate but far too forefront in his mind.

But, Levi _and_ Eren, that would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it? Yet he couldn’t help but feeling, deep-down, that maybe it would be the place which made him happy.

-

Levi disliked the idea as soon as it came to mind but quelling it felt like too much effort for what it was worth. It _was_ ludicrous. Yes, he’s rather not.

So what was compelling him to do it at all?

After the...loss of his last squad, he’d been happy to tag along in Erwin’s or Mike’s squads, on the front lines of the battle.

So, really, what was he thinking?

Erwin, for better or for worse, suggested he had his own squad again so that if one of the teams got caught out, there would still be the other. In Levi’s opinion, this was futile. If things had gotten that bad then surely neither of the teams would survive but Erwin appeared adamant.

So, that left the question: who would make up Levi’s new squad?

Levi tried to dismiss his immediate thought once again; it was silly, it really was. Or was it?

The questioning was going round in circles, why couldn’t he just give in? Or just accept that he was scared.

But no, since when had Levi admitted- even to himself- that he was afraid. Especially of that brat.

Who, for the record, seemed to be manically pillaging through the barracks doing who knows what.

Levi barely even had a glimpse of him as he rushed down the messy corridors, trailing mud behind him. Despite the mess, Levi couldn’t find it within himself to stop the kid, whose eyes were set so determinedly that he was sure no one would stop him.

‘Um, sir?’ Levi turned, looking unimpressed at one of the only recruits that was even similar in height to him as well as male: Armin Arlert.

‘What is it, Arlert?’ He snapped, the kid- although he’d proved to be much braver than appeared- irritated him by his timidness. Eren, despite all his character flaws, was never reluctant to say his thoughts when it really mattered whilst the Arlert boy seemed to lose all his bravery in face of his superiors.

‘D-do you know what Eren’s doing?’ Armin looked like he was regretting ever asking Levi at all but whilst Levi was brusk, he tried not to be cruel.

‘I don’t know what the brats up to, if I find out I’ll tell ya.’ Armin nodded and scattered off. Levi sighed, now he was regretting his idea even more.

Barely five minutes later, Eren was flinging himself down the corridor again when Levi put his leg out, relishing in the way Eren tripped, falling to the floor with a heart-wrenching ‘oof’.

‘What was that for?’ Eren complained, rolling onto his back with a pout.

‘I need you to make use of your scrambling. Get up.’ Eren complies, getting to his feet with a groan.

‘What is it? I’m doing something.’

‘Stop being a brat. I need you to get together all of your squad for a meeting.’

‘Why?’

‘I’m talking to you as your captain, now go.’ Eren glowered, he hated Levi playing the superior, but complied with little resistance- he still knew his place.

Levi stood his place, leaning lithely against the crumbling brick of the wall before stalking off down the corridor to his room, where Eren would undoubtedly knock once he’d finished. Levi had no office and hadn’t stated he’d be elsewhere.

So, when the knock came to his door- loud and brash- it came as no surprise. Levi opened the door, expecting a number of trembling soldiers to find only Eren. ‘I got everyone into the cafeteria.’

‘Quick. Not bad, kid.’ Levi swallowed, trying to hide his discomfort at the public location with a stilted insult. Eren led the way, his head held high in pride at Levi’s awkward approbation, Levi following carefully, taking in Eren’s body language with care. The last time they’d talked, Eren had scampered off to plan something that would undoubtedly be ostentatious. Levi couldn’t help but feel on edge that he was unsure of Eren’s plan, noticing the bright gleam in his eyes that he tended to get whenever a plan was going to, well, plan.

The cafeteria was empty, as it was meant to be at three in the afternoon, except for the young cadets who awaited anxiously on one of the main benches, watching as Eren sat amongst them, all their eyes suddenly catching on Levi’s person and staring like he’d just killed a man.

‘Um, so, brats…’ He began, trying to hide his discomfort behind a glare and a scowl- the only pair of armour he’d ever need around humans. ‘You’re my new squad.’ He summarised laconically, finding there was nothing that he could do but state it. So much for thinking this through, or pulling out at the last minute, or doing it with some kind of formality.

Levi tried to ignore Eren’s overwhelming grin and took in the faces of the others: Sasha, Connie, Jean, Armin, Mikasa and Historia. ‘Captain, we already have a squad leader.’ Mikasa put in doubtfully, her features so similar to Levi’s twisting into confusion.

‘Meh, who the fuck is it. I’ll swap with him.’

‘But you don’t have a squad?’ Jean challenged timidly.

‘Shut-up, horseface.’ Oh shit, only Eren called him that. That brat really was rubbing off on him. Ah, he’d play it cool. Or, at least, he could ignore the childish giggling coming from Eren’s side of the table to try and keep his dignity intact. Eren and he were...well that they hadn’t quite put into words but outside of their own private company, they had to keep a distance- just like he and Erwin had. But, it appeared already, that Eren was a lot less inconspicuous than Erwin was. ‘Who was it?’ Levi ordered, who knew it was so difficult to get a squad- he was just told to pick people for his last one, why wasn’t it that easy?

‘Can’t Erwin just swap you in any way?’ Eren offered.

‘It’s Commander, brat.’ Levi snapped, seriously, did Eren _want_ everyone to know. He really hadn’t thought this through, had he?

‘Oh, yeah...sorry. But still, can’t he do that?’

‘He’s got a lot to plan with the upcoming expedition, it’s best to leave him out of it.’

Suddenly a chorus of voices started to pipe up, all fighting over each other. The message, however, from all of them was the same: ‘another expedition? So soon?’.

Levi sighed, seemed Eren wasn’t the only one who was messing up nowadays. Since when had Levi slipped up so easily. Or, at least, since when had Levi felt so guilty for doing so.

‘Yes, brats, there _may_ be another expedition.’ He sighed, cutting over the hubbub. ‘But don’t tell fucking anyone.’ He added cautiously, staring at the bunch of gangly teenagers, praying to some forgotten god that they may be able to keep a secret. ‘Anyway, ignoring that fuck-up, as my new squad, I need to see how you work. My...last squad were trained to work together, you will be too.’ Levi felt himself relax as his formality fell back into place. ‘Tomorrow, at midday, we will run a group exercise to see your strengths and your weaknesses. Focussing on weaknesses, I assume you have no fucking strengths at the moment apart from a fucking uncontrollable Titan-shifter.’ For the first time in the meeting, he had Eren pouting again; Levi didn’t quite understand the flicker of happiness it creates within him, maybe the kid had been getting a little too up himself recently. ‘I’m going to sort out this mess of you shit-heads apparently having a squad leader already so is anyone going to tell me who the fuck it is?’ At last, he was given a name and he stalked out to go and talk to the guy but was cut off by a panting Eren, who had evidently run to catch up.

‘What is it, Eren?’ Levi eyed him cautiously, not using the usual sobriquet once he noticed the fret covering Eren’s face.

‘I’m...sorry for being so obvious in there. I know people have been saying I’ve been getting special and treatment-’

‘Wait, what the fuck have they been saying?’ Levi interrupted, he’d barely had a chance to talk to people- not that he usually did anyway- and he suddenly wondered how Eren had had the time to find all this out.

‘Oh, if you don’t know then don’t worry about it, it’s nothing really-’

‘Brat, if you don’t tell me now, I’ll go and find out my fucking self so tell me.’

Eren sighed, looking reluctant but submissive under Levi’s gaze. ‘People are saying that I’m in you and Erwin’s favour because I’m, well, you’re... _using_ me.’ Eren hung his head in shame when his head suddenly shot up, looking obsequious. ‘But don’t worry! I’ve been proving people wrong and trying to make it appear that I’m not favoured or anything. But...it doesn’t seem to be going very well.’ Eren sunk in defeat, Levi watching him cautiously.

‘They really think that Erwin and I are…’ He trailed off, taking Eren’s nod as understanding. ‘Fuck.’ He spat suddenly, turning and rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his palms. ‘We’re both being too obvious. Still, I didn’t think that people would come to... _that_ conclusion. Maria save us.’ Levi looked up at the ceiling, withdrawing into himself speculatively. ‘Who told you that?’

‘The rumour’s spreading quickly.’

‘Dispel it. If I’m going to be your squad leader, people can’t think that. I’ll sort out my mess, you sort out that. Try to be fucking careful with what you say, especially about Erwin. I don’t give a fuck what people think about me but Erwin is the icon of the Survey Corps, he can’t have little fuckwits tarnishing his reputation.’ Eren nodded timidly and scurried off. Levi had to push down how wrong it felt to order Eren around like this. They’d been growing closer recently, it didn’t feel right.

But, if they were going to keep up appearances, it seemed Levi would have to keep it. If only to get rid of that...disgusting rumour. Levi would make it up to them when they were alone, Levi liked to think that he had the capability of gentleness in the right circumstances.

Distressed, Levi walked down the austere corridors, scowling at dust like it was the enemy until he reached the training room. Let’s get his new squad together.

-

The night fell as the sun drew behind the distant sea. Erwin, cooped up in his office, cold and alone, was writing vehemently on the parchment, the pen in his hand creating unrecognisable swirls as his hand cramped and the ink spilt and spread, thick like honey.

There was so much left to do, pages and pages of permissions for grants, strategy explanations, taxes, expected revenue (which was always next to none) and things that even Erwin didn’t understand- a feat, even for the top government officials. Erwin, despite his iconoclastic view towards the government, did what was required of him.

Sleep had been made redundant in light of the work and he did his best to keep his eyes wide open. His hand smudged the once perfectly neat handwriting and with a sigh, he knew he would have to do it all again. The mission had not yet even been confirmed, Erwin still had a choice to make- even if was an easy one. Or rather, his mind was set on one rather than the other.

To lose the Survey Corps would be to lose his family, his friends, his lover and his dream. He wasn’t willing to sacrifice that just yet; maybe he would when he was on his deathbed, hopefully years from now. But wasn’t that just a dream in itself? No Commander lived that long, even one as radical as he is.

He dropped the pen, listening intently as the clatter resounded through the room. His office, despite being the nicest room in the entire barracks, was still barely more than a wooden shack with a desk and a few bookshelves, all with government-accepted books, of course (the others were at the bottom of his liquor chest).

It was when his head finally fell to the table, the ink smudging across his forehead unpleasantly, when a knock shook the door. Surely it wasn’t Levi, he rarely knocked nor would it be Hanji, she most certainly never knocked and actually _waited._ Panickedly, he wiped the ink off his face with a cloth, hoping the black smudge wouldn’t be too visible in the candlelight, and called: ‘come in!’

The door was opened hesitantly, Eren- mussed and exhausted- poking his head in. ‘Is it alright if I come in?’

Erwin nodded and gave him a wan smile, ‘of course.’

Eren flittered in with little precision, immediately falling to the sofa with the signs of nerves written over him like an open book. His leg jumped up and down, his head eyes warily darting around the empty room like he was expecting an intruder.

‘What’s the matter?’ Erwin asked, staring at the boy with suspicion, Eren’s heartbeat almost perceptible like a drum beat shaking the walls of the room.

‘I- have you heard?’ Eren looked up, hope in his gleaming eyes.

‘Heard what?’

‘Oh, thank Maria. Never mind. It’s fine.’ Eren let out a sigh of relief, his body practically falling in onto itself as his head hits his knees and he finally takes a breath to stave off his exhaustion.

‘If you’re so worried about it, I think it may be worth my knowledge.’ Erwin suggested, folding his arms on his desk and leaning forward, hoping that his composure would at least look good in comparison to Eren’s ruffled appearance.

‘It’s really not. It’s all fixed now, anyway. Nothing to worried about.’

‘Eren, tell me.’ Erwin ordered, finding that with exhaustion came a lack of patience and charm that he usually used so freely.

‘I really shouldn't-’

‘ _Eren_.’ He warned.

‘There may have possibly been a rumour spreading about me...and you...and Levi. It’s all sorted now, though! I even talked to Levi about it and we’ve got rid of it, right from the source.’

‘So Levi knows and I don’t?’ Erwin raised his eyebrows, expecting Eren to break under his authority.

‘Maybe?’

‘Eren, what is this rumour?’ Erwin sighed, his eyes closing with fatigue. There was little will to continue this conversation.

‘I don’t think you want to know.’ He admitted, guilty eyes peeking up from his lap. Erwin, with all the energy he could muster, pushed himself as gracefully as possible off his chair and came to sit next to Eren, his eyes serious.

‘Then it may mean that I need to.’ He reasoned finally, looking Eren in the eye, clutching his gaze, unwilling to let it go.

‘Some...people, soldiers, were saying things about you- and Levi- _using_ me and that...that was why I was in your favour.’ Erwin was taken aback, distrust soundly pounding at his heart.

‘Who started it?’

‘Just a few of the younger soldiers. Levi said they were jealous.’

‘Did he do anything?’

‘Scared the wits out of them.’ Eren let a wan smile slip onto his enervated features. Erwin kept his gaze on Eren, eyebrows furrowing as he tried to solve the puzzle- but, there’s no use in solving a puzzle that’s already been solved.

‘So they’ve been put back into place.’ Eren nodded, looking a little thankful that Erwin hadn’t lost his temper on him; although, Erwin wasn’t sure why Eren would believe that at all. Actually, Erwin dismissed the thought, Eren had to deal with Levi on a regular basis. ‘So what was the cause of your panic?’

‘I- I didn’t want someone else to tell you first. I didn’t want you to put it on yourself to fix this. You...you have a lot on your plate.’

Erwin smiled gently back, finally releasing Eren from his eye’s hold, and finally let himself relax on the ever-dwindling sofa. It hadn’t had this much use in years. ‘Thank you. That’s very kind of you.’

‘You should probably thank Levi more than me. I was the one that caused it in the first place.’ Erwin raised his eyebrows, a silent question. ‘Yeah, I possibly wasn’t all that...secret about, well, being-’ He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. ‘I don’t even know but I was possibly boasting a bit about being in your favour.’

Erwin sighed regretfully; Eren certainly was good at making Erwin both proud and ashamed all at once. He was at a loss for words: was tiredness finally catching up with him? ‘I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again.’

‘It would be for the best.’ Erwin replied diplomatically, ignoring the sense of betrayal that was gnawing at his stomach. Yet, it wasn’t as if he’d ever told Eren not to mention it, nor had he ever explained why his favour had been given. Then again, did Erwin want to admit it to anyone, even himself?

‘Has Levi told you about his new squad yet?’ Eren asked to fill the chasm of silence that was threatening Eren to run through the door and leave Erwin in peace, feeling the nagging in his brain that often told him he was in someone’s personal space (not that he ever listened to that, though).

‘No, I haven’t seen him since this morning, just after you left.’ Erwin pondered over Levi’s choice to finally have a squad, he’d seemed so reluctant before, even if Erwin had given a discreet order to do so.

‘He’s assigned me and the rest of my squad to be under him.’

‘Interesting. I’m assuming he was doing that because of his preference towards you?’ Erwin, never letting a tremor into his voice, could barely quell the irrational jealousy that bubbled up (he thought he’d overcome that by now).

‘I’m not sure. I haven’t talked to him much either. He seemed pretty insistent on ordering me around today.’ Eren griped, folding his arms petulantly.

‘He’s still your superior.’ Erwin explained. ‘He has a right to.’

‘I know but it’s still so-’

‘Infuriating?’ Erwin gave Eren a small smile. ‘I admit, Levi can be almost distant in public but I assure you, it’s just a precaution.’

‘Is that how you two stayed so private?’

‘Yes,’ Erwin answered honestly, ‘I believe so.’ Eren nodded, taking the information in slowly, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration.

‘Should I be like that too?’ He asked, looking up at Erwin with a hidden plea in his eyes.

‘I admit, it would be of use if rumours are being spread but if you don’t want to then it’s your place not to.’ Eren nodded again, his face relaxing as he copied Erwin’s pose and leant back on the sofa.

‘I feel like I’m already being a burden.’ Erwin looked down at him, pity framing his own features. He could see as just a glance that Eren believe he was a burden in all aspects of life, something too heavy for someone so young- then again, Eren had the maturity of someone ten-years his elder, even if he was irascible. He’d seen so much, _done_ so much that it was no wonder that he felt like a burden. They all had strained moral compasses, they all felt like burdens in that respect; they were unjust people for the right reasons but that does not stop anyone from feeling like a burden to someone else anyway.

‘You’re not. Already you’re proving useful. You are a soldier, not someone’s superior. Levi and I may fight but we certainly don’t know what the soldiers are thinking. We are their superiors, not their friends. But you are. You may not realise that yet but that may be one of the most important pieces of our strategy.’

‘Really?’

‘I believe so, yes, motivated soldiers fight harder and if we know how to do that, success chances are much higher.’ Eren smiled tightly, letting himself feel at least a slight pride at the compliment. ‘Motivation is key,’ Erwin continued, ‘and to know that we must know what they feel. We need, in many respects, a spy.’

‘I’m not a spy.’ Eren paused. ‘Am I?’

‘No, not really but in job description, it may sound oddly similar.’

‘So I’m a spy?’

‘Not in any way harmful, I assure you. You choose what you tell me. And Levi, for that matter. He is much involved in this as we are.’ Eren nodded again, bringing his legs up and folded them, drawing in on himself.

The door, when it opened, was without a knock and Erwin knew immediately who it was. No slamming meant no Hanji. That left Levi. ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’ Erwin called out as Levi shut the door behind him and examined the pair on the sofa speculatively.

‘I didn't think Eren would be either.’ He retorted, eyebrows furrowing.

‘He and I were discussing the rumours being spread amongst the soldiers. And, whilst you’re here, discuss your new squadron.’

‘Well, that’s what I came for anyway. I already talked to the last guy, he was happy to move to Mike’s squad.’

‘Really? He isn’t a man that gives in easily?’

‘He fucking gave it to me, that’s all that mattered.’ Erwin sat up, hands clenched in his lap, as he looked Levi up and down suspiciously.

‘What did you do?’

‘I did nothing, Erwin.’ He spat defensively.

‘You’re lying.’

‘I don’t fucking lie.’ An evil grin overtook Erwin’s lips, Eren watching the exchange with an almost reverent awe.

‘Funny, I said the exact same thing this morning. And you know what the answer was: you’re the king of lies.’

‘You may be but I am not.’

‘You lie to yourself.’

‘What are you fucking talking about?’

‘Just tell me what you did.’ Erwin sighed, he wasn’t willing to have a petty argument in front of Eren for the sake of their own prides.

‘Not before you tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.’

‘Levi,’ he warned slowly, ‘what. Happened.’

‘Okay, fine! I fucking threatened him but what does it matter? He’s in a better squad.’

‘And has lost his higher position.’

‘He didn’t fucking deserve it anyway, the twat.’

‘Levi, we talked about this-’ Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose exasperatedly. Levi strode over to them menacingly and fell between him and Eren with a thud, giving a pointed look at Erwin.

‘Not for a long time.’

‘Time doesn’t make a rule not a rule anymore, you know that.’ Levi huffed defiantly, scooting over to Eren and crossing his legs.

‘Um,’ Eren peeked his head from around Levi and looked at Erwin, trembling again at the sight of the two highest men in the Survey Corps arguing over something as petty as a rule- Eren used to believe they were above rules. They made the rules so didn’t they always follow them? Then again, Levi had grown up in a place beyond rules, a place where you could do whatever you pleased, damned of the consequences, even if that was little- money would always be an obstacle. ‘Can I put in that Levi would be a much better squad leader.’

‘How so?’ Erwin replied curiously, leaning forward, pointedly ignoring Levi’s expression: _I told you so._

‘We’re having a team building exercise tomorrow, right?’ Levi nodded his agreement. ‘Although I believe we’re all strong in our own sense, my team are, well, uncoordinated with each other. Levi might be able to fix that.’ Eren, for all his awkwardness, could put a good argue up. Erwin nodded, evaluating the words before sighing.

‘Okay, I’ll put in the filing in the morning. Levi will be your squad leader but Levi, for the love of Maria, please apologise. I don’t want a mutiny within the Survey Corps because of your reputation.’

‘They never actually followed through with it.’ Levi muttered, rolling his eyes, Eren staring at him in shock.

‘There was a mutiny?!’

Erwin sighed again, weary of explaining himself when he could barely keep himself functioning. ‘One was planned. I quelled it before anything could be done to accomplish it. Some people weren’t so...in favour of Levi being introduced into the Survey Corps.’

‘Were you not a trainee?’ Eren directed at Levi. ‘I knew you grew up in the Underground but you were still a trainee, right?’ He continued at Levi’s silence.

‘No.’ Levi crossed his arms and scoffed. ‘ _Erwin,_ ’ He gave a sarcastic smile to his...whatever they were. ‘Decided that I would be useful after arresting me.’ Eren stared wide-eyed at the pair, whispering to Erwin- although Levi could undoubtedly hear: ‘you arrested him?’

Erwin nodded slowly, wondering how to phrase it in his defence. ‘Yes, he was found stealing military equipment, the manoeuvre gear amongst other things. He and his friends had taught themselves to use them, making them hard to catch. So, when the Military Police failed to arrest him, my squad was ordered by the former Commander to do so ourselves. With a slight struggle, we did so and made a deal. I’d seen his talents so I offered him a proposition, be taken to jail and possibly sentenced to life or ever death _or_ join us. He chose the better option.’

Levi swallowed, looking shiftily around the room, contrasting with Erwin’s perfect composure. Eren smiled cheekily. ‘You have a good poker face, Erwin, but that’s not the full story.’ Eren couldn’t help his curiosity from spilling through, how had a man who arrested Levi end up as his closest friend and... _lover?_

Erwin rolled his eyes. ‘You’re still very bad at acting unsuspiciously when someone mentions your past, you really must practise that.’ He looked down at Levi shaking his head but let a small smile escape onto his lips. ‘But, Eren, it isn’t my story to tell after that.’ Eren looked to Levi, eyes full of hope but the dismissal was quick and effortless: ‘not now.’ Eren didn’t push, knowing that Levi would snap if he went any further- it was getting late anyway, they were all tired.

The silence fell on the trio, Eren’s leg thumping rhythmically up and down as his stomach fluttered whilst Levi closed his eyes and let his head hang back, relishing in the silence, sorting his thoughts. Erwin, on the other hand, returned to his desk, falling back into the uncomfortable chair and stared at the papers, willing them to be done without his achy hand and blotchy pen.

Levi slowly came back into reality when Eren’s leg hit the ground particularly hard, his eyes opening directly at Erwin, the man’s face flickering in the candlelight.

‘Is that _ink_ on your face?’

Erwin pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, shaking his head: ‘don’t ask’.

Levi switched his gaze to Eren, watching the leg bounce nonsensically. ‘What’s got you so fucking nervous, brat?’ Caring, as he’d learnt throughout his life, was not always his strong point.

‘Nothing.’ Well, if that wasn’t a quick reply.

‘Go to sleep. I’ll talk to you after training tomorrow. Try and sort yourself into fucking shape, you look a nervous wreck.’ Eren nodded and fled, leaving Erwin’s curious gaze behind him and Levi’s scowl permanently engraved on his back.

‘What the fuck’s wrong with him?’

‘Don’t be so harsh on him,’ Erwin chastised, picking up the pen and scribbling his signature on one more document. ‘He’ll explain in his own time.’

Levi frowned but accepted the answer, falling back into his place, buried in the middle of the two cushions of the sofa, arms and legs still both crossed. Levi looked at Erwin, watching as he flickered through page after page, barely skimming the words before signing his name or signature, sometimes writing figures or ideas- something to check over in the morning, no doubt. ‘I want to talk about what the fuck you meant back then?’ Levi stated, pulling Erwin from his work.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You know, Erwin. Don’t be the fucking liar yourself.’

‘Well, being called a liar twice in a day certainly does pin it in.’

‘You said I was a liar, what did you mean?’

‘It’s not important, don’t dwell on it. We’re the leaders of an army, we have to lie.’ Erwin dismissed, his eyes falling back to his papers.

‘Don’t lie to me, I can see right through it.’

‘Just as I can see right through you.’

‘Seriously, Erwin, what the fuck is this about?’ Erwin let out a deep sigh, staring at Levi as the honesty slowly crept through the mask that was ever-crumbling in Levi’s presence, spurred on by the exhaustion of the long night.

‘I was just annoyed. Hanji called me a liar. I know she’s right, that’s what’s so frustrating. So, when you lied to me, I-’ He paused, contemplating his answer. ‘I tried to prove that you were too.’

Levi stared at him awkwardly, a gentle touch caressing his features. ‘Did it really annoy you that much?’ Erwin stood up from his desk, the wood scraping harshly against the floor. Wincing, Erwin strode across the room and joined Levi on the sofa again, finally accepting that this was no night for work.

‘Sometimes things hit a little close to home.’ Erwin stared into the void contemplatively, his eyes glazing over as he let himself fall into a blissful hypnagogic state.

‘I’m sure Hanji didn’t mean to be rude.’ Levi said caringly, although his tone was stilted and gauche.

‘You may be right. Nevertheless, she was right too. I lie on a regular basis, even if it’s for good reasons. It…’ He let his sentence fall, falling back into a reverie, letting the calm wash over him- Levi always had the effect, he never broke the peace. ‘I never wanted to be a liar. I’d like to think myself moral but lying- you shouldn’t lie. I mean it, you shouldn’t and I may be a hypocrite to say so but I believe that no one should have to do as I do and lie just to survive.’ Levi looked up at him, confusion evident but he listened well, not interrupting and understanding as much as he could. He’d grown up in a brutally honest household in a place full of lies- he himself could barely tell whether the Underground had made him a liar or Kenny had made him an honest, even if violent, man.

‘You’re a fucking saint, Erwin, lying doesn’t change that.’ Levi stated truthfully. Erwin was many things a man was: a liar, a manipulator, a warmonger. But, Erwin Smith was not a bad man. No, Erwin Smith was the best man Levi had ever had the privilege of meeting and working for. Erwin was his example, even if he was royal fuck-up when it came to relationships and a man that went around with a masque hiding his face.

‘I’m no saint.’ Erwin chuckled but was stopped by Levi’s serious glare.

‘You are to me.’ It was the most eloquent Levi could be with his words but honesty, as they’d both figured out, was much better than a lie- even if awkward, or stilted, or clumsy or gauche. Their lips touched before either of them could register it. It was gentle and soft, caring- because that's what Levi could do, care with actions and not words.

They sat there for what could have been hours, lips brushing or not. Sometimes losing themselves to the void and sometimes lost in the trance of each other. Whispers flitted around the rooms. I missed you’s danced in the cold wind from the drafty walls. Soft touches, as light as feather, brushed each other’s skins.

‘I’m sorry, Levi. I’m trying to be better for you. I am. But, I seem to be doing rather badly already.’ Levi’s eyes snapped up, his lips inches away from Erwin’s. Erwin reeled back, his self-deprecating mask replaced with apprehension.

‘No, you’re not. You’re human, you make mistakes and one day you better accept that.’

‘One day.’

‘You will.’ Levi snapped.

‘I’ll try.’ As if Erwin would ever say anything more.

-

Around a fortnight passed and the mission was on its way to being fully planned, although still unconfirmed. Eren, over the course of the time, had managed to band almost the entire Survey Corps together in a band of strength that was unexpected from all of him. With his friends help, they’d made a good enough rally for Erwin to concede and go ahead with the mission.

It was in the cafeteria that they all banded together, Eren pacing the small stage that was used for announcements, his jittery nerves sending sparks through his muscles making him frightful and paranoid. ‘What if this goes wrong?’

‘Eren, it won’t.’ Mikasa soothed from the side of the stage; she agreed with Eren most of all, this mission had to go through. For what they suffered. To win what they’d lost so long ago.

‘He might be mad.’

‘Does it matter?’

‘Yes! He’s the Commander!’ Eren hissed, his eyes wide and panicked. Mikasa barely understood it but she was getting a glimpse of what was underneath. Erwin and Eren, just like Levi and Eren, were suspicious, to say the least. Although she could confirm nothing, the rumour was spreading was appearing more and more likely.

It made her blood boil.

But, for Eren’s sake, she’d let him make his own mistakes and rectify them later, as long as things didn’t go too far. And she would check. She didn’t care if she had to kill the bastard that shared the same last name as her to avenge her brother. Even if he supposedly was her cousin, not that there was any proof apart from a few blurry family records that were a few generations back.

‘The Commander won’t be angry. Even if you say the wrong thing, you’re _doing_ the right thing. That’s all that matters.’

‘She’s right, Eren.’ Armin piped up from beside her, the blonde hair falling from his face as he looked up. ‘Erwin would not be mad because he knows that you are trying to do the right thing. And, I really don’t think he gets angry without just cause.’

‘I’m not sure…’

‘It’s now or never. Just do it.’ Mikasa ordered, her dark eyes glittering in the low light. Eren nodded slowly and strode back onto the stage, his feet hitting the floor with loud thumps, silence gently falling over the crowd as Eren straightened his back and readied himself to address the crowd.

‘Before we being,’ Eren swallowed down his nerves, ‘could someone please bring the Commander here?’ A few of the back soldiers nodded and left, coming back only moments later with a straight-faced Commander, his face shaped into a subtle question, confusing framing the downwards arch of his eyebrows.

‘I’m here today because the Survey Corps have two options.’ Eren took a breath: it really was now or never. He caught Levi’s glance from the corner of the room and although the man didn’t quite know what was going on, the knowing look gave Eren the courage to give his speech with the passion it required. ‘Fight or not to fight. After the last mission, I know that going out again may be daunting but I brought you here today to prove that we are united and if we are required we will fight, right?!’

Cheers rang around the room loudly; Eren smiled.

‘We’ve all lost people, loved ones, but we have to go out to fight for them.’

Another round of cheers spread across the crowd, Eren couldn’t help but catch the small smirk that caught Levi’s lips- Levi was awed by this kid. No doubt, Erwin was too.

‘The king is threatening to get rid of the Survey Corps and we have to show him that we are not going easily, we will fight to our deaths because we are brave! We are the soldiers that will teach the Titans to be afraid! We have made so much progress and it can’t stop now because of a mission gone wrong. We will go out and slaughter the Titans for what they have caused us and once and for all, we will show them we can win!’

Eren finished his speech, a fist raised in the air, the same that balanced over his heart when he saluted. A racket flooded the room as people cheered, hollering their support. Humanity’s hope had spoken and there was no turning back. Erwin looked at Eren, a small smile slipping onto his lips as he approached the stage, standing by Eren proudly.

‘Eren’s right. To save our branch and everything we stand for we will have to go and fight, for our friends, for our loved ones and for everything humanity holds dear. The past cannot pull us down. I cannot promise that we will be safe out there but I can promise that this mission is planned for success. We are going to Shiganshina, we will retrieve Grisha Jaeger’s notes on Titans and we will have the key to winning to war once and for all!’

Screams gathered and people cheered their support and although Eren’s mouth was still wide open in shock, he stared at Erwin like he was his saviour. ‘We’re really going home?’ Eren whispered, looking up at Erwin, a grin slowly overcoming him.

‘Yes, you are.’

-

Erwin had returned to his office after the rally and hadn’t left. Eren’s determination had spurred his own and he didn’t think he’d ever achieved so much in a single day. He forgot how much hope was apart of him, something that he could never rid himself of- he was a realistic optimist, of which there are few and far between.

The knock on the door- just after the sun had set, the moon shining dimly into the candle-lit office, wind blustering through the small crack where the window was open- surprised him. He was forced out of the stupor of his work and called: ‘come in!’

Eren peeked his head around the door, washing Erwin with the feeling of deja vu. ‘Come on in, Eren, I was expecting you.’ Erwin motioned to the sofa and Eren hurried to it, watching Erwin in fascination- what he’d done to deserve such a thing, Erwin was unsure.

‘You were?’

‘Yes, after the announcement, I assumed you have questions.’

‘I do.’ Eren confirmed, fidgeting his hands in his lap.

‘So?’

‘Well, first of all,’ Erwin almost laughed at how evident it was that Eren was trying to recall what he’d already practised. ‘How are we getting there?’

‘With your help, we can clear the Titans in a wider area and go further. We’ll use speed and agility not strength to get so far, leaving from the South gate and heading North.’

‘Okay.’ Eren tries to process before looking down at his hands again, Erwin would say that he had the questions written down there if not for the blank skin well within his range of vision. ‘Why?’ The question was so simple yet had the most complex answer, leaving Erwin baffled and tongue-tied, an unusual feeling that made him wish _he’d_ prepared some answers.

‘It’s time to win this war.’

‘But that’s not all.’ Eren answered immediately, since when had he become so good at reading Erwin’s mask? Or rather, what was behind it.

‘It’s all you need to know.’

‘There’s something more, though. Tell me, you can trust me.’

‘I know I can.’

‘You’re answering the wrong statement. Tell me.’

Erwin breathed out. ‘Three reasons. The one I already told you. The second one is…’ Erwin looked down at the boy, eyes glazing over. ‘My father. He was murdered by the military police in his search for answers. I would like to do what he never did.’ Erwin did his best to speak with a straight-face as if these were just facts and not him bleeding his heart out to someone he knew he shouldn't be. Only Levi knew this stuff; Levi would never pass secrets. But, Erwin knew, he was telling Eren only because he knew he wouldn’t either. ‘The third is, well, you.’

‘Me?’

‘Yes. You deserved to go home, to solve this. We don’t know what this Titan-shifting ability really is and to get answers would…’ He paused, swallowing, meeting Eren’s eyes on his breath out. ‘It would make you happy.’

Eren looked up at Erwin, eyes wide and his lips open. From Erwin’s angle, he looked almost innocent. Almost. Erwin could see the maturity behind his eyes, hidden and buried but there. Years worth of a torturous life, you grow up quicker than you should. Erwin was sorry Eren was put under that yet so glad that he got to meet Eren when he was more than just a child. Despite having the appearance of a teenager, he had the heart of an adult.

‘You did this to make me happy?’ Eren gasped, his voice barely above a whisper.

‘It was one of the reasons, yes.’ Erwin’s straight-face was crumbling, softness filling his expression, his whole face relaxing, finding itself closer to Eren’s.

‘Wow.’ Silence fell and their lips brushed, undemanding in the quiet. Erwin knew it was wrong, Eren knew it was wrong. But, it was so _right._ The kiss went no further, just gentle brushes of lips with small intervals, no words ever filling to silence.

Until: ‘well, I really should have fucking expected this.’ Both of them stared up at Levi, wide-eyed and cowering, even Erwin, in all his six-foot glory was trembling at the sight of the 5’3 man. Well, now at least he remembered why it was wrong in the first place.

No one filled the tense pause with any words, not daring the stain the discomfort with any sort of excuse. ‘I don’t fucking care.’ Levi stated, shrugging his shoulders as Eren and Erwin pulled away from each other. ‘I told you, I should have known, it was obvious. If Erwin and I are together and so are Eren and I then I don’t care that you too are either. It’s just a really fucking odd threesome.’ Eren couldn’t retain the giggle that escaped his lips as a smirk pulled Erwin’s lips upwards.

‘Threesome?’ Erwin replied incredulously.

‘Well, without the sex.’ Erwin just rolled his eyes, not dignifying that with any reply. He motioned for Levi to join them on the sofa, the man taking his common place in between the two, Erwin’s arm over the back of the sofa behind him with Eren’s hand in his lap but his shoulder awkwardly brushing Levi’s.

‘So, I can be with both of you?’ Eren piped up, most likely just to fill the silence.

‘If that’s okay.’ Erwin, ever the diplomat, replied cryptically.

‘Yeah, if you’re okay with it.’

‘Stop being awkward about this, we’re all fucking okay with it, aren’t we.’ A chorus of nods. ‘Okay then, that’s solved.’ Levi crossed his arms stubbornly, not resisting when Eren had the audacity to lean against Levi’s side, burying his head in the crook of Levi’s neck whilst Erwin let his arm fall down where it draped over Levi’s shoulders.

Suddenly, it was apparent to all of them that this was something that they weren’t willing to lose. Despite the silence and the previously uncomfortable tenseness, it had dilapidated into a calm, almost serene, peace. Erwin watched the two as they shut their eyes and leaned into Erwin together, Erwin taking the weight of all of them, his other arm holding his head up, his elbow deep in the armrest.

He wished he could have said this was the plan all along but it was so unprecedented that Erwin fought for control in his own mind. Erwin was not a man that was good at spontaneous until it became a necessity, like on the battlefield. Something like this, something so slow but unexpected, threw him off everything. Yet, in such a good way. He felt himself smiling, truly, for the first time in weeks as his hand gently ran through Eren’s hair, his arm still balanced precariously on Levi’s shoulder.

The moon was high in the sky now, the broken night obscuring it behind grey clouds whilst the birds sang their hollow lullabies. Erwin realised again, so unexpectedly, that it didn’t matter who these people were, he would love them. Yes, he would admit that now. He loved them. There was no point in denying it, or holding it back for the sake of social etiquette. Lover, hunter, friend or enemies, he loved them both- one known for years and another barely a year in itself. Two so different kinds of love but so overwhelming either way. Erwin smiled wider, his cheeks beginning to twitch under the strain. He and Levi, always in disguises, had been broken by a young, green-eyed boy. Their disguises had worn down and so far, they’d be better for it. Erwin’s heart thumped loudly. He had to relish this now.

He had to.

He _had_ to.

Because they were riding out tomorrow and he already knew, from years of experience, that _nothing_ was fair in love when there is a war to wreak havoc.

-

Another fortnight passed and everything was set; they would head out when the sun rose and the bells called them to their places. The hustle of soldiers and horses echoed throughout the deserted courtyard, Erwin’s voice booming loudly over the hubbub. ‘Everyone, we’ll be departing in five minutes, get your horses ready and be ready to set out.’ The soldiers’ saluted respectfully, Erwin falling back into the masses, turning quickly to Levi, who looked rather unimpressed at the black stallion that loomed over him. They all knew the horse suited him albeit hard for him to get on and off. It wasn’t a crucial aspect to be able to do so, though, as long as he was able to, even with struggle.

‘Have you gathered your squad?’

‘Yes, Erwin. I know we’re crucial to this but stop pestering, I know what I’m fucking doing.’

‘Of course, I’m sorry.’ They locked eyes and Levi nodded before departing, that was as much of a farewell as he would ever get in public; they’d said enough the night before for Erwin not to feel the usual abandonment that cursed his heart whenever Levi dismissed him.

In no time, the entire Survey Corps were on their horses, riding out into the town, hesitantly glancing at the onlookers- supporters or haters alike- whilst Erwin remained at the front, head held high, Levi beside him, looking just as nonplussed whilst Eren mimicked him, third in command as Levi’s second, a promotion that he’d been happy to take, even if it was only for his Titan shifting ability, which they were in dire need of.

The gates rolled open like thunder and the hooves pounded alongside it, the clatter of the horses the final warning that they were going into the wilderness. The garrison had cannons at the ready to fend of the nearest Titans but they would have no such luck further into their journey.

The gate shut behind them with a slam and they knew they were fending for themselves. The sun burned their unresistant skin, years of living in the shade of the walls making for worse pain when the straps of their uniform dug into their flesh, and the winds blew gently, enough to alleviate the pain of their burns, at least for the meantime.

Erwin was the first to fire a flare, directing them westwards to avoid the three Titans coming from the East. The troop turned, the grass softening the pounds of their hooves but still creating a familiar resonance in the empty air.

Erwin stared ahead, not daring to look back when he heard the first screams. It was bound to happen, it always did, but there was no looking back. Not now. But it wasn’t long before they were cornered and he knew they would have to fight their way out.

He hadn’t wished it so soon but it had been an inevitability since planning the mission, especially on one over such a large portion of land- Shiganshina was still painfully far away. Erwin fired his flare once again and prepared his swords, his squad surrounding him whilst Levi’s cut off to the left, Eren’s face set determinedly, a wicked smile taking over his face. He hadn’t had many chances to kill Titans, he was finally being allowed to do what he’d been hoping to since he was a child. Erwin would almost smile; it would only disrespect the already deceased.

Manoeuvre gear prepped, Erwin flew, not letting himself get distracted by the blissful feeling of flying and swiping at the nape of the nearest Titan, feeling an unbridled blood-thirstiness, no matter how controlled. This was their chance to truly made progress, it was time that Erwin allowed himself to lose his composure and do what a soldier was meant to do- kill.

Blood splattered him, staining his white trousers red, his skin looking torn and battered, although any actual damage was only in bruising. His squad did well to clear his area and he was firing off a flare within no time. Proud of their achievement, he decided it was best to make camp now, where they knew the Titans had been slain. There had been no need to make progress today, as the first day, he’d planned nothing more than scanning the nearby area. He would follow the plan to the end, even if it was disrupted. Because that was what he’d prepared for- and every other outcome that came about because of it. But, to change the plan was to change the outcomes. Different outcomes meant a loss of composure.

As a soldier, losing composure could only lead to one thing: death.

Flare after flare rose until Erwin finally signalled the place where they would camp, the edge of the forest, where the trees were high and the Titans were scratching far below them. Squad’s joined slowly, torn and battered but intact, setting up their own private fires, sleeping bags and any other equipment that the wagons had managed to tug along.

The best news so far was the death count. Although the injury count was high, little to no soldiers were fatally injured or dead. It was a win for them, even if only for the short term, and Erwin couldn’t help the small smile that escaped onto his lips when he left.

People still died but as a soldier, he had to put it into perspective. Where usually a third of them died, less than a hundredth had. Progress had been made.

Erwin abandoned his squad to find Levi, who had no doubt scowled at anyone who tried to talk to him and had retired to the further tree possible, Eren most likely following him. So, it was no surprise when he found Levi buried deep in the forest. What was surprising was Eren.

Oh, Eren.

Erwin’s gaze softened as he saw the boy’s tear-stained cheeks and blood-stained hands. He was staring at them like he’d murdered someone, the blood drying into the pores of his skin, staining the pink a dark, almost brown, red.

Levi kneeled in front of him, his gaze worried but still logical. They were soldiers, Eren shouldn’t have been acting like this. Despite Erwin’s worry, he kept a stern tone: ‘what’s going on?’ It was an order, clearly directed at Levi and not the trembling boy who was balancing precariously on a tree-trunk, his lithe limbs shaking in the fading sunlight- today had passed all too quickly.

‘Eren’s...guilty.’ Levi stared down at the boy who was shaking his head furiously.

‘I’m not...I’m not. I’m really not.’ He choked on his own sobs. ‘I’m just...I’m just…’ Erwin flew onto their tree branch and knelt before Eren, softening his face and his tone. ‘Tell me what’s going on. It might be important.’

‘It’s complicated.’ Eren tried to brush the tears from his face but they only kept falling, the twitching of his lips uncontrollable as a sob tried to pass through.

‘Then start from the beginning.’ Eren shook his head. ‘Eren,’ Erwin coaxed, ‘you can talk to us. You can trust us. You know that right.’ Eren nodded, raising a hand, reaching out for Erwin’s, who lets him take it, holding onto it like it was a lifeline, glancing up at Levi nervously. Levi nodded, no words needed: you can trust us, I promise.

‘I- I do.’

‘Then start from the beginning.’ Erwin spoke slowly, as if speaking to a child, making sure his grapples were pulled tightly as he lifted his other hand and lifted Eren’s chin to meet his eyes, deploring him with a simple look.

‘W...when I was younger,’ Eren began, looking up at the two warily, fidgeting with Erwin’s fingers. ‘I always wanted to fit in. Y-you do, you know? I- I hated when people pretended to be things they weren’t so I- I never did but I w-was an outcast. An- and then my mum died,’ Eren willingly let the sob wrack his body, pulling Erwin closer, their hands linked like a bond as Levi sat next to Eren and pulled him closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, a silent show of respect and understanding, ‘and everything was destroyed. E-even if I didn’t know then, I- I- I…’ Eren lost his breath, breathing in raspy gasps that they both did their best to calm but Eren was set on finishing now that he’d started. ‘I had to pretend, p-pretend that I-I was brave and I-I hated it. But I- I did it to deal with the pain, you know? But I’m a coward. I- I saw that Titan and I wanted t-to kill it so b-badly but then it looked at me and I saw my mum and I-’ He choked on his own sob, ‘I couldn’t.’

Erwin tried not to dwell on how dangerous this news was, Eren was his... _something_ and he had to comfort him before they could only go further. Erwin opened his mouth but Eren continued. ‘I- I was so disappointed in myself. I l-looked at all the rest of my s-s-s-squad and I couldn’t let them down so...so I slaughtered them. So many of them. I-I was so angry so I cut all of them down and I was p-painted red and I-I just looked at myself and I realised what I was…’ Eren paused for breath, his body and breath trembling. ‘They all looked at me and- and it just made so much sense. They l-l-looked so scared.’

Eren looked into the distance, eyes glazed over, like...like he was dead. ‘I’m a monster.’

Erwin looks down at him, pity glazing over his eyes. ‘You’re not a mons-’

‘You don’t understand!’ Eren shouted, his whole body wracked with sobs. ‘I am! I am a monster! Because I enjoyed killing them! Everyone else is proud or f-feels like they doing the right thing but I...I enjoyed it.’ He chokes on those words, eyes downcast and sorrowful. The two onlookers just stare, stuck in a stupor of surprise.

‘Eren, who said you were the only one to enjoy killing them?’

‘Don’t try and pretend that you do.’ Eren spat. Erwin nodded.

‘I won’t. But I do know someone who does.’ His gaze shifted to Levi who shifted uneasily, physically stiff as he tried not to fidget. ‘Eren, look at me.’ Erwin ordered, Eren’s eyes slowly rolling up to meet Erwin’s. ‘I may not enjoy killing them but I am proud. Just like you said. But if I am proud then I am just as much of a monster as you are.’

Erwin paused, he wasn’t using the right tack here, there had to be another way to get through to him.

‘If I told you who I was a monster, would you turn your back on me?’ Eren’s eyes widened, a frightful shake of the head showing all that Erwin needed to know. ‘If you thought I was dangerous, would you leave? Would you be scared of me?’ Another shake of the head. ‘Look, just because I don’t enjoy killing something doesn't make me not a murderer. If anything, enjoying it says that you are the most moral of us all because you _believe_ in what you’re doing, you think it’s right. Nothing tells us what is actually right or wrong, we have to choose that for ourselves. Guilt is a sign that you’ve done something wrong, whether it is to other people or not. And I know you’re not guilty. You said you weren’t. You’re ashamed. But you’re right. A monster can be right. But you’re no monster, Eren. Not by any stretch of the imagination.’

Erwin lay his lips on Eren’s forehead, laying down a gentle kiss. ‘This is war, there’s no room to crumble.’ He let his authority slip into his speech. ‘Everyone around you believes you’re anything but a monster, even if you can change into one. That should be enough. If you enjoy killing them, good. That’s what we need. That’s why you’re our hope.’

When Eren looked up, he looked so scared. Erwin’s heart broke, Levi only wrapped his arm tighter around Eren’s shoulder. ‘I just want to be normal.’ Eren whispered, staring down at his blood-encrusted hands. ‘Every time I go out and fight, I just...I just feel something inside of me getting stronger and...it scares me. I just want to escape it.’

‘I’m not trying to be cruel,’ Erwin began, placing a reassuring hand on top of Eren’s. ‘But you can’t and you won’t because you're saving so many people. I know how hard this is but think about how many people you can save with your ability. How many people will be alive because of you? You’re a murderer out of necessity.’ Eren nodded, uncomfortable under his superiors’- or were they more than that now- gazes.

‘How can I do that? I’m different. No one understands what I’m going through apart from a girl in a crystal and two fugitives and even they wouldn’t understand! I just want to run and hide and never see war again. But it’s a burden that I can’t get rid of it, isn’t it? So I’m stuck.’ Eren’s face was that of a dead man’s, blank and uneasy, like the last breath of life had poured out of him.

‘Brat, shut up.’ Eren was startled out his stupor, his gaze shifting awkwardly to Levi. ‘You think no one understands you and that makes you an idiot. I may not be some fucking Titan-shifter but I’ve been an outsider from the beginning. I killed and I enjoyed it. I killed _humans_ and I enjoyed it.’ Eren reeled back, only caught by Erwin’s arm against the tree trunk. ‘You’re not the monster, you never were. About five years ago, you could have asked me for anything and I would have done it, probably made all your money dreams come true. And I would have killed to do it, just so I could get the cut. And then Erwin found me and it all fucking changed. I killed and I enjoyed it but it was for a good fucking cause. I was no longer a wild animal, I was a guard dog.’ Levi looked up at Erwin and smiled, like they were sharing an inside joke. ‘I made myself new rules and then I broke them again and again and again until I found ones that I could break and still not be a detriment to society.’ Levi paused. ‘Well, Erwin may not agree.’ Eren snorted a laugh, brushing the wet tracks of tears from his face. Levi was doing his job well, then. Levi’s face fell serious again, his gaze directly on Eren’s. ‘I’m a monster but I like it. You have to learn to like it too. Because the only thing I can teach you is how to control the monster, the beast, that bloody anger that you carry around anywhere. Erwin helped me once, I think it’s time I helped someone myself.’ Erwin finally fell into place next to Erwin, placing a gentle kiss on his head again whilst Levi pressed his lips to Eren’s, pulling back quickly. Anyone could see them.

‘You’re not alone, Eren.’ Erwin reassured. ‘That’s the funny thing about all the people who think they’re monsters, they always think they’re alone but they never are.’

It was only in the morning that they split, setting off once again.


	10. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm moving on to a new account and not finishing any of my books so here's the ending.

The clattering of hooves had become so familiar that Eren could still hear the beating thuds of the horses below the downpour of rain. His imagination could conjure it up for him, the constant rattle of war, pounding away in his ears, distracting himself from the water hanging thick from his eyelashes and the blood tainting his vision red. Orders were being ordered scatteredly amongst the herd of soldiers, flares no longer working, messengers hurriedly passing messages between squadrons. 

Eren paid no attention to the hubbub and chaos and focused his sight to what was in front of him, even if the path was blocked by a sheet of rain. His own horses hooves glided delicately through the thick mud of the marshes, splattering his white trousers with brown stains. 

The rain descended only when they stood still for the night, readying their camps and mourning the loss of another group of soldiers. They’d been riding through the thickest fog, picked off one by one. Levi, raven-hair dripping and eyes sullen, personally mourned with the soldiers, imagining a time long gone.

Eren left the crowd, hiding away in his own part of the forest, grappling up the tallest tree and burying himself in a small alcove, big enough for about two small people. It sheltered him from the drip-drops of water that the leaves had cupped. Shivering and ice-cold, he huddled in a blanket he had procured from the supply wagon and shut his eyes, his mind drifting from himself with ease. 

The last day had left him exhausted and unwilling to speak. Erwin’s and Levi’s speech had resonated in him but in the dingey conditions of an uneven battlefield, Eren no longer felt worthy of the effort. If he couldn’t save them because he himself was stuck in the fog then what good was her to them?

His head fell back again the bark, splinters ingraining themselves into his head and scalp, the pain only amplified by the burns of his gear and the deep cut across the palm of his hand where a stupid recruit, only about a year younger than him, had sliced him with their sword. He wished he had shouted had them. He’d only rode away, ignoring the terrified apology. They should just be glad he hadn’t shifted.

Shadows settled over his head and night tore Titans from their life, leaving Eren feeling safely cooped up in the tree. His imagination drifted back to the city, wondering what all those people were doing, scurrying around inside that tiny little place when Eren was covered in blood and grime and mud and dirt but  _ free _ . He pitied them for their lack of it. No matter how hard his life was, he was glad for just that little ounce of freedom. That hope. That hope that everyone said he was.

He wished they knew what was happening out here. He wished they weren’t like naive cattle, troubled by the blankness that they conjured when thinking about him, out here, all alone, fighting for their lives. They’d destroyed the middle like it was a waste of time and only thought about the perfect start and the gruesome finish line. Cattle they were, they didn’t want to be free. A concept that felt so incredulously foreign to Eren that he dared not even think about it.

He was glad to be here. Even if you were lucky just to breath. 

‘Eren?’ Eren turned sluggishly, the effects of sleep slowly overtaking him. He hummed when he spotted Erwin’s crouched form, his own uniform far from spotless, face streaked with mud and dirt, crusted like a dried cut. 

‘Eren, are you okay?’ He asked, worry drawing his eyebrows together. Eren hummed again, huddling closer into his blanket. Erwin, carefully and diligently, placed the back of his hand to Eren’s forehead. ‘You’re not heating up.’ Erwin pondered. ‘Eren, are you injured.’ Erwin asked again, grabbing him by his chin and turning him so they met eyes. Eren shook his head, which was still in the grasp of Erwin’s fingers. 

‘I’m fine.’ He muttered. ‘Just tired.’ Erwin nodded and sat down, small drops of rain hitting his blonde hair and slowly staining it brown. 

‘Is this about what we talked about?’ Eren shrugged. ‘Look,’ Erwin stated forcefully, ‘after this expedition, you will become our focus. For now, you just have to live. Moping like this will kill you. Stop being a child.’ Eren’s eyes widened at the chastisement, red tainting his cheeks.

‘I! I didn’t mean t-’

‘I know, Eren. You’re only trying to do what you think it right. But this will get you killed, whether you want to die or not. And I sincerely hope you don’t. And not just for your sake.’ Erwin’s gaze fell distant and Eren looked up at him with care, a wan smile forming on his lips. It was the closest Erwin would ever get to being selfish.

‘I won’t die. I promise.’ Eren whispered, crouching and extracting himself from the alcove and bringing himself beside Erwin, lifting a hand up to turn the man’s head down. ‘I promise.’ He repeated and brought his lips up to Erwin’s, back arching as he attempted to heighten himself. Erwin curved his back down and leant over, cupping the back of Eren’s head and threading his fingers through his hair. ‘Thank you.’ He whispered, inches away from Eren’s lips. 

‘There’s nothing to thank me for.’ Eren curled up beneath Erwin’s arm, glad that they were far enough away from the crowd that there should be no reason for someone to notice them before they could extract themselves.

Except, Levi had always had a talent at sneaking up on them. ‘Pft, saps.’ He rolled his eyes and joined them, leaning on Erwin’s others side, eyes drifting to the sky. Playfully, he hit Erwin with the back of his hand. ‘You should have told me where you were going. I’ve been looking for ages. Both of you are really good at getting as far away as fucking possible from the others. And also, you fucking stink.’ Erwin’s laugh rumbled deep through the gargantuan oaks. 

‘We all do, Levi. I don’t see anywhere to wash around here, do you?’

  
  
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs   
Setting fire to our insides for fun   
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong   
The lovers that went wrong   
  
We are the reckless   
We are the wild youth   
Chasing visions of our futures   
One day we'll reveal the truth   
That one will die before he gets there   
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones   
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone   
We're setting fire to our insides for fun   
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home   
It was a flood that wrecked this   
  
And you caused it   
And you caused it   
And you caused it   
  
Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette   
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget   
My eyes are damp from the words you left   
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest   
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest   
  
And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one   
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone   
Setting fire to our insides for fun   
To distract our hearts from ever missing them   
But I'm forever missing him   
  
And you caused it   
And you caused it   
And you caused it

THEY GO OUT WHEN THE SUN RISES - ERURIREN PUBLIC

Soldier keep on marchin' on

Head down til the work is done

Waitin' on that morning sun

Soldier keep on marchin' on

Head in the dust, feet in the fire

Labor on that midnight wire

Listenin' for that angel choir

You got nowhere to run

You wanna take a drink of that promise land

You gotta wipe the dirt off of your hands

Careful son, you got dreamer's plans

But it gets hard to stand

Soldier keep on marchin' on

Head down til the work is done

Waitin' on that morning sun

Soldier keep on marchin' on

Quiet now you're gonna wake the beast

Hide your soul out of his reach

Shiver to that broken beat

Dark into the heat

Soldier keep on marchin' on

Head down til the work is done

Waitin' on that morning sun

Soldier keep on marchin' on

THEY FIND A HOARD OF TITANS

As a child you would wait   
And watch from far away.   
But you always knew that you'd be the one   
That work while they all play.   
  
In youth you'd lay   
Awake at night and scheme   
Of all the things that you would change,   
But it was just a dream!   
  
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town.   
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town   
From dust.   
  
Will come   
When you'll have to rise   
Above the best and prove yourself,   
Your spirit never dies!   
  
Farewell, I've gone to take my throne above,   
But don't weep for me   
'Cause this will be   
The labor of my love   
  
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town.   
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town   
From dust.   
  
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town.   
Here we are, don't turn away now,   
We are the warriors that built this town   
From dust.

 

ERWIN’S DEAD

 

Smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

Got nowhere to go, we could be here for a while

But the future is forgiven, so smile

We're trying so hard to get it all right

But only feel lonely at the end of the night

I wanna be somewhere away from this place

Yeah, somewhere just a little closer to grace

I'll smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

Got nowhere to go, we could be here for a while

But the future is forgiven, so smile

Smile

 

Well, call me loser, call me thief

Tell me I'm special when you spit at me

'Cause I don't wanna be lonely, I wanna be loved

And I want you to hold me like I'm the only one

I'll smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

Got nowhere to go, we could be here for a while

But the future is forgiven, so smile

Smile

 

And time will eventually knock on my door

And tell me I'm not needed around anymore

But he'll hold me so close at the end of the day

When I'm quiet I can nearly hear him say

Smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

Got nowhere to turn, and we've got nothing but time

But the future is forever, the future is forever

So smile, so smile, so smile

Smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

 

THEY GO HOME - Eren feels guilty because his rally was what gave the mission the go ahead

 

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded

Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed

Everybody knows the war is over

Everybody knows the good guys lost

Everybody knows the fight was fixed

The poor stay poor, the rich get rich

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking

Everybody knows that the captain lied

Everybody got this broken feeling

Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets

Everybody wants a box of chocolates

And a long-stem rose

Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby

Everybody knows that you really do

Everybody knows that you've been faithful

Ah, give or take a night or two

Everybody knows you've been discreet

But there were so many people you just had to meet

Without your clothes

And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it's now or never

Everybody knows that it's me or you

And everybody knows that you live forever

Ah, when you've done a line or two

Everybody knows the deal is rotten

Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton

For your ribbons and bows

And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming

Everybody knows that it's moving fast

Everybody knows that the naked man and woman

Are just a shining artifact of the past

Everybody knows the scene is dead

But there's gonna be a meter on your bed

That will disclose

What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you're in trouble

Everybody knows what you've been through

From the bloody cross on top of Calvary

To the beach of Malibu

Everybody knows it's coming apart

Take one last look at this Sacred Heart

Before it blows

And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows

That's how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows

 

EREN AND LEVI TAKE THE ROLE OF JOINT CAPTAIN, MORE DEVOUT THAN EVER AT WINNING THE WAR.

 

Fair game, go on and drop your hat

Feathers gone and make you lose mine

Losing love all over again

But it's my way till the end of time

Less dread when I drop my hat

Fear going, let me lose mine

I'm losing love all over again

But it's my way till the end of time

And where do we go?

And I'm leaning towards

Losing my mind with this feeling no more

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Fair trials, they don't exist my friend

Only a circus in my mind

Judgement's gone and there's no love again

But it's my way till the end of time

Where do we go?

And I'm leaning towards

Losing my mind and I'm feeling no more

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me (better leave that)

Ooh, better leave that war with me

Ooh, better leave that war with me


End file.
